Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:
We can all agree that this is totally over the top and ridiculous, OP, but in my opinion there's only a small chance of your getting your money back... unless other guests want to pull out too! Perhaps you can reach out to them and see what they think.

Were I you, I'd explain that I had no idea it was going to be so expensive, request a refund, and if they refuse, consider it an expensive lesson in knowing who your friends are, and never paying until you're sure you know what you're doing.

Do not do this ! Extremely inappropriate and you would be creating drama with your cousin. Simply back out. Tell her you would love to go, but unfortunately, it just isn't in your budget as it is much more costly than anticipated. Wish her a fantastic time. If she offers you the $800 or a portion back accept. Otherwise, charge it to the game and learn a lesson about putting down money before knowing the full cost.

The bridal party can just pay the extra cost if she bails. I mean, they agreed to go before knowing all the full costs, right? Why should they be exempt from this life lesson?

She’s not a part of the wedding party, doesn’t really know anyone except her cousin, and if her cousin will have an issue with a family member backing out because it’s too expensive then OP will be better off anyways.


Sometimes in real life it's just better to let thing sgo. Be the bigger person. Doing what you suggest because it sounds awesome on a messagboard will cost OP alot more than $800 in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I would ask about cancellation terms snd ask to see the information about it. $800 is a lot to begin with and she’s way out of line with the pricing unless you guys are seriously rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We can all agree that this is totally over the top and ridiculous, OP, but in my opinion there's only a small chance of your getting your money back... unless other guests want to pull out too! Perhaps you can reach out to them and see what they think.

Were I you, I'd explain that I had no idea it was going to be so expensive, request a refund, and if they refuse, consider it an expensive lesson in knowing who your friends are, and never paying until you're sure you know what you're doing.

Do not do this ! Extremely inappropriate and you would be creating drama with your cousin. Simply back out. Tell her you would love to go, but unfortunately, it just isn't in your budget as it is much more costly than anticipated. Wish her a fantastic time. If she offers you the $800 or a portion back accept. Otherwise, charge it to the game and learn a lesson about putting down money before knowing the full cost.

The bridal party can just pay the extra cost if she bails. I mean, they agreed to go before knowing all the full costs, right? Why should they be exempt from this life lesson?

Sometimes in real life it's just better to let thing sgo. Be the bigger person. Doing what you suggest because it sounds awesome on a messagboard will cost OP alot more than $800 in the long run.

She’s not a part of the wedding party, doesn’t really know anyone except her cousin, and if her cousin will have an issue with a family member backing out because it’s too expensive then OP will be better off anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mistake was sending the money.

How are you going to get reimbursed? If you cannot get your money back, consider it your wedding gift to her and don't bother doing anything else.

This

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Exactly. If $800 is no biggie to eat as a "gift" then the rest of the party can pay $100, what's the problem? What's the cancellation policy, can you usually cancel up until a month out? This trip is next month so likely within the cancellation period. Or bride can just pay for herself, why do brides expect an all expense paid trip? I'd feel like an ass accepting that money from a cousin who can't quite afford it.

It’s not that it’s no biggie- however OP agreed to go on the trip and already sent the money to pay for her share of the lodging. The money legally is no longer hers so trying to take it back by justifying it as no big deal for the others to each pay $100 more just doesn’t work.

It works just fine. If I had someone in this situation I would give her the money back. There is nothing legally binding about this agreement. Do you often let money come between you at other people? That's pretty sad. If $800 is nothing, then $100 is even less so.

So if it’s fine to just back out of a vacation and demand the money back where exactly does it stop? If you agreed to rent a beach house for a week with another family and they subsequently decided that it was too expensive and wanted to back out are you saying that the other couple should just eat the cost in the name of friendship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We can all agree that this is totally over the top and ridiculous, OP, but in my opinion there's only a small chance of your getting your money back... unless other guests want to pull out too! Perhaps you can reach out to them and see what they think.

Were I you, I'd explain that I had no idea it was going to be so expensive, request a refund, and if they refuse, consider it an expensive lesson in knowing who your friends are, and never paying until you're sure you know what you're doing.

Do not do this ! Extremely inappropriate and you would be creating drama with your cousin. Simply back out. Tell her you would love to go, but unfortunately, it just isn't in your budget as it is much more costly than anticipated. Wish her a fantastic time. If she offers you the $800 or a portion back accept. Otherwise, charge it to the game and learn a lesson about putting down money before knowing the full cost.

The bridal party can just pay the extra cost if she bails. I mean, they agreed to go before knowing all the full costs, right? Why should they be exempt from this life lesson?

Or they can just refuse to refund her money since she already committed and paid and spend the weekend talking about how out of line she was. Also a life lesson.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Exactly. If $800 is no biggie to eat as a "gift" then the rest of the party can pay $100, what's the problem? What's the cancellation policy, can you usually cancel up until a month out? This trip is next month so likely within the cancellation period. Or bride can just pay for herself, why do brides expect an all expense paid trip? I'd feel like an ass accepting that money from a cousin who can't quite afford it.

It’s not that it’s no biggie- however OP agreed to go on the trip and already sent the money to pay for her share of the lodging. The money legally is no longer hers so trying to take it back by justifying it as no big deal for the others to each pay $100 more just doesn’t work.

It works just fine. If I had someone in this situation I would give her the money back. There is nothing legally binding about this agreement. Do you often let money come between you at other people? That's pretty sad. If $800 is nothing, then $100 is even less so.

So if it’s fine to just back out of a vacation and demand the money back where exactly does it stop? If you agreed to rent a beach house for a week with another family and they subsequently decided that it was too expensive and wanted to back out are you saying that the other couple should just eat the cost in the name of friendship?

This example isn’t comparable. The organizer and bride keep adding other costs, expensive costs at that. OP can back out because of the added expenses and for everything being so last minute. If they had listed all of the expenses upfront then this would be a different story. She couldn’t make an informed choice on how to spend her money. So yea, she can back out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We can all agree that this is totally over the top and ridiculous, OP, but in my opinion there's only a small chance of your getting your money back... unless other guests want to pull out too! Perhaps you can reach out to them and see what they think.

Were I you, I'd explain that I had no idea it was going to be so expensive, request a refund, and if they refuse, consider it an expensive lesson in knowing who your friends are, and never paying until you're sure you know what you're doing.

Do not do this ! Extremely inappropriate and you would be creating drama with your cousin. Simply back out. Tell her you would love to go, but unfortunately, it just isn't in your budget as it is much more costly than anticipated. Wish her a fantastic time. If she offers you the $800 or a portion back accept. Otherwise, charge it to the game and learn a lesson about putting down money before knowing the full cost.

The bridal party can just pay the extra cost if she bails. I mean, they agreed to go before knowing all the full costs, right? Why should they be exempt from this life lesson?

Who cares? OP already said she doesn’t know them.

Or they can just refuse to refund her money since she already committed and paid and spend the weekend talking about how out of line she was. Also a life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We can all agree that this is totally over the top and ridiculous, OP, but in my opinion there's only a small chance of your getting your money back... unless other guests want to pull out too! Perhaps you can reach out to them and see what they think.

Were I you, I'd explain that I had no idea it was going to be so expensive, request a refund, and if they refuse, consider it an expensive lesson in knowing who your friends are, and never paying until you're sure you know what you're doing.

Do not do this ! Extremely inappropriate and you would be creating drama with your cousin. Simply back out. Tell her you would love to go, but unfortunately, it just isn't in your budget as it is much more costly than anticipated. Wish her a fantastic time. If she offers you the $800 or a portion back accept. Otherwise, charge it to the game and learn a lesson about putting down money before knowing the full cost.

The bridal party can just pay the extra cost if she bails. I mean, they agreed to go before knowing all the full costs, right? Why should they be exempt from this life lesson?

Or they can just refuse to refund her money since she already committed and paid and spend the weekend talking about how out of line she was. Also a life lesson.

Who cares? OP already said she doesn’t know them. If her cousin isn’t understanding that it’s too expensive and wants to bad mouth her family for basically having less money than the rest of the group then f*ck her and OP doesn’t need those kind of people anyways.

[Anonymous]

I think when OP gave the money she thought it would cover all costs of the party. Which is reasonable if it were just a party. But a 4 day celebration at a luxury “money no object “ resort is not what OP feels that she agreed to. Of course if you are very well to do and normally spend $4-5K on a party that’s different.

[Anonymous]

To answer OPs question : no you would not be a jerk. The spending is out of control. And it’s a flight away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when OP gave the money she thought it would cover all costs of the party. Which is reasonable if it were just a party. But a 4 day celebration at a luxury “money no object “ resort is not what OP feels that she agreed to. Of course if you are very well to do and normally spend $4-5K on a party that’s different.

Exactly spending $800 for going and then a few hundred more for food is what I would’ve thought too before to a bachelorette party, because it’s a bachelorette party not a vacation to a resort. The rest is ridiculous and to be expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think when OP gave the money she thought it would cover all costs of the party. Which is reasonable if it were just a party. But a 4 day celebration at a luxury “money no object “ resort is not what OP feels that she agreed to. Of course if you are very well to do and normally spend $4-5K on a party that’s different.

Exactly spending $800 for going and then a few hundred more for food is what I would’ve thought too before to a bachelorette party, because it’s a bachelorette party not a vacation to a resort. The rest is ridiculous and to be expected.

*not to be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Exactly. If $800 is no biggie to eat as a "gift" then the rest of the party can pay $100, what's the problem? What's the cancellation policy, can you usually cancel up until a month out? This trip is next month so likely within the cancellation period. Or bride can just pay for herself, why do brides expect an all expense paid trip? I'd feel like an ass accepting that money from a cousin who can't quite afford it.

It’s not that it’s no biggie- however OP agreed to go on the trip and already sent the money to pay for her share of the lodging. The money legally is no longer hers so trying to take it back by justifying it as no big deal for the others to each pay $100 more just doesn’t work.

It works just fine. If I had someone in this situation I would give her the money back. There is nothing legally binding about this agreement. Do you often let money come between you at other people? That's pretty sad. If $800 is nothing, then $100 is even less so.

So if it’s fine to just back out of a vacation and demand the money back where exactly does it stop? If you agreed to rent a beach house for a week with another family and they subsequently decided that it was too expensive and wanted to back out are you saying that the other couple should just eat the cost in the name of friendship?

This example isn’t comparable. The organizer and bride keep adding other costs, expensive costs at that. OP can back out because of the added expenses and for everything being so last minute. If they had listed all of the expenses upfront then this would be a different story. She couldn’t make an informed choice on how to spend her money. So yea, she can back out.

Disagree- she already committed to and paid for the lodging, knowing the price. She can, however, tell the organizer that the activities/additional expenses being discussed are out of her budget and opt out of participating. I’m sure she can still have an enjoyable time in Napa spending time with her cousin at the rental property and linking up with the group for some of the less costly activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We can all agree that this is totally over the top and ridiculous, OP, but in my opinion there's only a small chance of your getting your money back... unless other guests want to pull out too! Perhaps you can reach out to them and see what they think.

Were I you, I'd explain that I had no idea it was going to be so expensive, request a refund, and if they refuse, consider it an expensive lesson in knowing who your friends are, and never paying until you're sure you know what you're doing.

Do not do this ! Extremely inappropriate and you would be creating drama with your cousin. Simply back out. Tell her you would love to go, but unfortunately, it just isn't in your budget as it is much more costly than anticipated. Wish her a fantastic time. If she offers you the $800 or a portion back accept. Otherwise, charge it to the game and learn a lesson about putting down money before knowing the full cost.

The bridal party can just pay the extra cost if she bails. I mean, they agreed to go before knowing all the full costs, right? Why should they be exempt from this life lesson?

Sometimes in real life it's just better to let thing sgo. Be the bigger person. Doing what you suggest because it sounds awesome on a messagboard will cost OP alot more than $800 in the long run.

Well then the bridal party have a real opportunity here, don't you think, to not take advantage of the cousin who isn't as fortunate? You're got this all backwards.