Would I be a jerk if I backed out of my family member’s bachelorette party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think when OP gave the money she thought it would cover all costs of the party. Which is reasonable if it were just a party. But a 4 day celebration at a luxury “money no object “ resort is not what OP feels that she agreed to. Of course if you are very well to do and normally spend $4-5K on a party that’s different.

She specifically said in the op that the $800 was for lodging- not that she expected it to cover everything

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Exactly. If $800 is no biggie to eat as a "gift" then the rest of the party can pay $100, what's the problem? What's the cancellation policy, can you usually cancel up until a month out? This trip is next month so likely within the cancellation period. Or bride can just pay for herself, why do brides expect an all expense paid trip? I'd feel like an ass accepting that money from a cousin who can't quite afford it.

It’s not that it’s no biggie- however OP agreed to go on the trip and already sent the money to pay for her share of the lodging. The money legally is no longer hers so trying to take it back by justifying it as no big deal for the others to each pay $100 more just doesn’t work.

It works just fine. If I had someone in this situation I would give her the money back. There is nothing legally binding about this agreement. Do you often let money come between you at other people? That's pretty sad. If $800 is nothing, then $100 is even less so.

So if it’s fine to just back out of a vacation and demand the money back where exactly does it stop? If you agreed to rent a beach house for a week with another family and they subsequently decided that it was too expensive and wanted to back out are you saying that the other couple should just eat the cost in the name of friendship?

This example isn’t comparable. The organizer and bride keep adding other costs, expensive costs at that. OP can back out because of the added expenses and for everything being so last minute. If they had listed all of the expenses upfront then this would be a different story. She couldn’t make an informed choice on how to spend her money. So yea, she can back out.

Disagree- she already committed to and paid for the lodging, knowing the price. She can, however, tell the organizer that the activities/additional expenses being discussed are out of her budget and opt out of participating. I’m sure she can still have an enjoyable time in Napa spending time with her cousin at the rental property and linking up with the group for some of the less costly activities.

She didn’t agree to the private masseuses.
She didn’t agree to the private driver.
She didn’t agree to paying for the bride.

Fly to wine country to sit at the house alone? No. Be the designated driver for all the others because she isn’t as rich? No.
Again, your example isn’t comparable.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Exactly. If $800 is no biggie to eat as a "gift" then the rest of the party can pay $100, what's the problem? What's the cancellation policy, can you usually cancel up until a month out? This trip is next month so likely within the cancellation period. Or bride can just pay for herself, why do brides expect an all expense paid trip? I'd feel like an ass accepting that money from a cousin who can't quite afford it.

It’s not that it’s no biggie- however OP agreed to go on the trip and already sent the money to pay for her share of the lodging. The money legally is no longer hers so trying to take it back by justifying it as no big deal for the others to each pay $100 more just doesn’t work.

It works just fine. If I had someone in this situation I would give her the money back. There is nothing legally binding about this agreement. Do you often let money come between you at other people? That's pretty sad. If $800 is nothing, then $100 is even less so.

So if it’s fine to just back out of a vacation and demand the money back where exactly does it stop? If you agreed to rent a beach house for a week with another family and they subsequently decided that it was too expensive and wanted to back out are you saying that the other couple should just eat the cost in the name of friendship?

This example isn’t comparable. The organizer and bride keep adding other costs, expensive costs at that. OP can back out because of the added expenses and for everything being so last minute. If they had listed all of the expenses upfront then this would be a different story. She couldn’t make an informed choice on how to spend her money. So yea, she can back out.

Disagree- she already committed to and paid for the lodging, knowing the price. She can, however, tell the organizer that the activities/additional expenses being discussed are out of her budget and opt out of participating. I’m sure she can still have an enjoyable time in Napa spending time with her cousin at the rental property and linking up with the group for some of the less costly activities.

You're way out of line with your greedy expectations and extorting the cousin in order to fund your own lavish vacation. If you can afford it, then pay up. No need to screw the cousin in the process. What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Yeah because it’s tons of fun to spend a small fortune to watch your friends drink, get massages and eat out while you nibble on PBJ and tap water.

Pass OP. This thing is just going to get not expensive.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go and wouldn't worry about how other folks handle it since they have been eeking details out and adding new expenses in each reveal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't go and wouldn't worry about how other folks handle it since they have been eeking details out and adding new expenses in each reveal.

Right? Next up will be the matching t-shirts, bags, robes or whatever. There will be no end to the expenses. Back out and try to reason with them or your cousin to get your money back since you weren't fully aware of what the event detailed and its way out of budget.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would back out and I wouldn’t even eat the $800. They are being extremely inconsiderate by springing up expenses as if money grows on trees.

You should tell her that when you agreed to go to the bachelorette party you had no clue it was going to be in California, cost $800 plus airfare plus all the other expenses.

This.

Agree. They can easily cancel the Air BnB, look for a cheaper place, stay further away, fewer nights, etc. There are lots of options and giving an $800 gift doesn't have to be the only one here. Why wouldn't she be able to get her money back at this point? None of it is paid for.

She should be able to get her money back, especially if it’s the air bnb and they’re all staying there. How many people are going OP?

There’s 10 people in total including the bride. So without me and having to pay for the bride they would just have to pay an extra $100 for the air bnb

So $800 is too much for you to pay for lodging but it’s fine for the other 9 attendees to “just” have to pay an extra $100 because you reneged on the plans? It’s a bit presumptuous to assume that they would even agree to give back your money.

If they can expect OP to pay an extra $600 then for private masseuses then yea, they can the extra $100. Clearly it’s no issue for them.

Exactly. If $800 is no biggie to eat as a "gift" then the rest of the party can pay $100, what's the problem? What's the cancellation policy, can you usually cancel up until a month out? This trip is next month so likely within the cancellation period. Or bride can just pay for herself, why do brides expect an all expense paid trip? I'd feel like an ass accepting that money from a cousin who can't quite afford it.

It’s not that it’s no biggie- however OP agreed to go on the trip and already sent the money to pay for her share of the lodging. The money legally is no longer hers so trying to take it back by justifying it as no big deal for the others to each pay $100 more just doesn’t work.

It works just fine. If I had someone in this situation I would give her the money back. There is nothing legally binding about this agreement. Do you often let money come between you at other people? That's pretty sad. If $800 is nothing, then $100 is even less so.

So if it’s fine to just back out of a vacation and demand the money back where exactly does it stop? If you agreed to rent a beach house for a week with another family and they subsequently decided that it was too expensive and wanted to back out are you saying that the other couple should just eat the cost in the name of friendship?

This example isn’t comparable. The organizer and bride keep adding other costs, expensive costs at that. OP can back out because of the added expenses and for everything being so last minute. If they had listed all of the expenses upfront then this would be a different story. She couldn’t make an informed choice on how to spend her money. So yea, she can back out.

Disagree- she already committed to and paid for the lodging, knowing the price. She can, however, tell the organizer that the activities/additional expenses being discussed are out of her budget and opt out of participating. I’m sure she can still have an enjoyable time in Napa spending time with her cousin at the rental property and linking up with the group for some of the less costly activities.

You're way out of line with your greedy expectations and extorting the cousin in order to fund your own lavish vacation. If you can afford it, then pay up. No need to screw the cousin in the process. What's wrong with you?

Exactly and then to expect a gift for the bridal shower, the wedding, AND you have to pay for the destination wedding too? Absolutely ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’d say back out, but still pay your part of the Airbnb

This makes 0 sense. Let $800 go down the drain to just not attend?
If they can spend this much money and hire a private driver for $590 a person like they’re celebrities then an extra $100-$200 per person will be nothing for them.

Unfortunately I agree with PP that it would be wrong to back out to the airBnB. OP knew and agreed to that cost.

You could always go to Napa and just not participate in the wine tours/driving excursions. Just enjoy the estate and pool.

She didn’t know. She rsvpd and that’s when the organizer told them where they would be staying and then told the cost. The organizer worked backwards and was inconsiderate. That shouldn’t be on OP.

Where did OP think she was going to stay in California wine country for cheaper? Come on.

Who thinks that they’re going to stay at a place for $1800 and get $590 pp personal driver? That’s the cheaper. They don’t need those things for a bachelorette party.

Anyone who isn’t stupid? Where are you going to find a cheaper place to stay in Napa? And transportation is going to be pricey unless you want to go the designated driver route, which OP is turning up her nose at too. The was obviously going to be pricey at the first mention of “wine country,” which was before the formal RSVP.

Did you see that OP hasn’t even ever been to California? I have no idea what a 4 day extravaganza in wine country would cost and I’ve been to Sonoma!

OP is a grown-up. When she got the formal invitation for California wine country, she should have done some research before saying yes.

I’ve been to wine country and I have never stayed at a $1800 per night house nor has my group paid $590 per person for a private driver. This is not part of the research. You also seem to have forgotten from the time she was told about the trip to when the asked for the money was only a few days turn around. The organizer did this all wrong.

The lodging is 200 per person per night, which frankly sounds like a bargain for most places in Napa. The driver thing sounds expensive, but OP doesn't seem to like the cheaper option. OP KNEW the trip was 4 nights in Napa when she RSVPd. She's justified in arguing for reduced costs (like uber instead of drivers) but is just playing dumb (or is actually dumb) if she didn't realize this was a trip that would be in the $1000s.

[Anonymous]

I would have never agreed to this but since you can’t go back in time, fix this now and back out and say your circumstances changed and are experiencing financial issues. And word of advice, wedding are always always expensive so never agree to anything unless it’s close family wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s shitty to back out at this point. Just say you’re not contributing to XYZ. Though for transportation I mean, how did you *think* you were going to drink and also be transported?

Did you *think* about how they could use Ubers and not a private driver for $590 per person aka 6k (10 people attending) for 4 days? Don’t be a pretentious imbecile.

And nothing is stopping OP from replying all and suggesting that as an alternative- there may be others who are similarly concerned with escalating costs who would appreciate it. That being said, having once gone that route, ubers can be extremely difficult to get in that area and very pricy even in non-Covid times. With current Covid restrictions they will need 4 ubers for each excursion. It’s questionable that they will be able to even find sufficient availability without hour+ waits for each leg and its questionable that it will come out much cheaper.

[Anonymous]

The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’d say back out, but still pay your part of the Airbnb

This makes 0 sense. Let $800 go down the drain to just not attend?
If they can spend this much money and hire a private driver for $590 a person like they’re celebrities then an extra $100-$200 per person will be nothing for them.

Unfortunately I agree with PP that it would be wrong to back out to the airBnB. OP knew and agreed to that cost.

You could always go to Napa and just not participate in the wine tours/driving excursions. Just enjoy the estate and pool.

She didn’t know. She rsvpd and that’s when the organizer told them where they would be staying and then told the cost. The organizer worked backwards and was inconsiderate. That shouldn’t be on OP.

Where did OP think she was going to stay in California wine country for cheaper? Come on.

Who thinks that they’re going to stay at a place for $1800 and get $590 pp personal driver? That’s the cheaper. They don’t need those things for a bachelorette party.

Anyone who isn’t stupid? Where are you going to find a cheaper place to stay in Napa? And transportation is going to be pricey unless you want to go the designated driver route, which OP is turning up her nose at too. The was obviously going to be pricey at the first mention of “wine country,” which was before the formal RSVP.

Did you see that OP hasn’t even ever been to California? I have no idea what a 4 day extravaganza in wine country would cost and I’ve been to Sonoma!

OP is a grown-up. When she got the formal invitation for California wine country, she should have done some research before saying yes.

I’ve been to wine country and I have never stayed at a $1800 per night house nor has my group paid $590 per person for a private driver. This is not part of the research. You also seem to have forgotten from the time she was told about the trip to when the asked for the money was only a few days turn around. The organizer did this all wrong.

The lodging is 200 per person per night, which frankly sounds like a bargain for most places in Napa. The driver thing sounds expensive, but OP doesn't seem to like the cheaper option. OP KNEW the trip was 4 nights in Napa when she RSVPd. She's justified in arguing for reduced costs (like uber instead of drivers) but is just playing dumb (or is actually dumb) if she didn't realize this was a trip that would be in the $1000s.

Yes, $200 per night isn’t bad but it’s more like $400 because they’re also paying for the bride. However, they also didn’t need to get a house that’s $1800 a night. That’s still ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

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The DCUM homo sapiens might find these costs typical, but they are astronomical for the rest of our species.

It is not appropriate for the bridal party to expect guests to pay such amounts without a heads-up of the approximate total expenditure beforehand, which was not forthcoming.

OP is well within her rights to say she did not expect the trip to cost this much, request a refund and decline the invitation. She might not get the refund, sadly.

OP SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS the moment "4 days in California Wine Country" was on the table. Which was BEFORE she RSVP'd. This is all on her for not having an ounce of common sense. She can back out now, but will rightfully deal with the social consequences, especially if she tries to get her $800 back.