Asperger marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW with ASD that was diagnosed later in life. Everyone has their own story of course, but for us the diagnosis was a revelation and very helpful in understanding why my downtime was essential to protect. As a female my presentation is quite different than what a lot of people think autism looks like - you'd probably never guess if you met me. But the relationship strains were real, especially adding a child to the mix.

We have a loving relationship and do well together. Some of what I bring to the table has really added to the fun and sense of adventure that we experience together, and some of what DH brings to the table helps me stay grounded and he is a good for reality checks when I don't pick up on things.

It's so hard to diagnose women, especially later in life bc mostly at that point they've learned how to cope. Can you describe how you came to the diagnosis? Are there any specialists in the dc area you recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism

You’re kidding. You think it’s possible to set boundaries with a raging aspie who never thinks they are wrong and have a totally different interpretation of everything that happens, never takes responsibility and always blames someone else?!? Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism

Or else what? Whatcha gonna say or do next time Pp?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism

You’re kidding. You think it’s possible to set boundaries with a raging aspie who never thinks they are wrong and have a totally different interpretation of everything that happens, never takes responsibility and always blames someone else?!? Good luck with that.

Believe me I am all too familiar with a spouse who never admits they are wrong and always blames the other. However I don’t think it’s helpful to lump everyone with asd in the same category. Sometimes it is in the way you say it. You have to say it with absolute conviction and commitment and mean it, and with anger because that is an emotion he understands well. At least that’s what my husband responded to. I told him he was not to call me that again or curse at me or verbally assault me again because I will not stay in a marriage with that kind of treatment from my partner.

[Anonymous]

Wouldn’t work for me. Every comment or need gets stonewalled or twisted into an argument, then I get personally attacked for walking away or defending. He’ll do this in front of the kids all the time then play the victim. Guess what age they start copying his whining, lying and deflecting, age 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn’t work for me. Every comment or need gets stonewalled or twisted into an argument, then I get personally attacked for walking away or defending. He’ll do this in front of the kids all the time then play the victim. Guess what age they start copying his whining, lying and deflecting, age 7.

I am feeling so seen on this thread. I really try to avoid fighting in front of the children and a lot of these fights would happen after they go to bed. I bite my tongue so hard it is scarred. But there also have been many times we fight in front of the kids and those are the times I am extra vigilant about demanding a certain level of respect. I don’t want my kids thinking it’s ok to treat people that way or to accept that kind of behavior from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

And you are just a raging misogynist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism

Or else what? Whatcha gonna say or do next time Pp?

I hear zoolander saying this tee hee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wouldn’t work for me. Every comment or need gets stonewalled or twisted into an argument, then I get personally attacked for walking away or defending. He’ll do this in front of the kids all the time then play the victim. Guess what age they start copying his whining, lying and deflecting, age 7.

I am feeling so seen on this thread. I really try to avoid fighting in front of the children and a lot of these fights would happen after they go to bed. I bite my tongue so hard it is scarred. But there also have been many times we fight in front of the kids and those are the times I am extra vigilant about demanding a certain level of respect. I don’t want my kids thinking it’s ok to treat people that way or to accept that kind of behavior from others.

You both are being verbally abused. Doesn’t matter if from an HFA guy or disabled guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This whole thread is an insult to those who truly struggle with ASD. Some make lovely spouses. Ask me how I know. They simply struggle with social communication... but many try very hard.

If your spouse is an a**hole, he or she is an a**hole, not on the spectrum.

And many become narcissistic to protect their ego and image and mistakes.

No one becomes a narcissist. You're describing a disorder that isn't asd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism

I totally relate. This thread has been very helpful for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism[/quote]

That's too broad of a stroak. My dd has autism, and I have taught her from a very young age the rules of engagement with other humans. She would NEVER say anything like that. And not just b/c it's a rule, but b/c it's unkind and disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism[/quote]

That's too broad of a stroak. My dd has autism, and I have taught her from a very young age the rules of engagement with other humans. She would NEVER say anything like that. And not just b/c it's a rule, but b/c it's unkind and disrespectful.

I hate to say this, but never say never. When life's responsibilities become more difficult to manage as an adult, the masking begins to fall away, especially in the confines of the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like how autistic people are the problem here. Maybe dont marry someone you barely understand. But I guess if you’re desperate for a ring and have a superficial checklist in mind, these types of poor matches are inevitable.

I'd venture to say that autistic people marry people they barely understand more often than the other way around.

+1 our therapist said high functioning asd dh was very good at masking to hide the ASD and at the same time gravitated towards me for skillsets he intuitively knows that he lacks: extroverted, organized, etc. This is all happening subconsciously as an act of survival, so it's not like there's any malice behind DH doing this. As the pairing goes on over the years, the mask falls off and we're left with a high conflict marriage.

So I feel tricked but at the same time I'm supposed to now understand DH doesn't mean to trick me. In fact his ASD doesn't even allow any of that awareness. This line of thought bothers me because it doesn't allow DH any agency over his actions. And it leaves me left holding the bag to deal with the emotional fallout of our marriage, while DH is supposedly blissfully unaware.

At some point it doesn’t matter what’s driving all the bad habits, lack of manners, temper tantrums. It’s abusive and bad for you, the kids, and the hFa.

The HFA needs a simple, simple life with very few responsibilities.

This might sound crazy to people with non-autistic spouses, but you need to be very clear about what you won’t allow. They need clear rules and expectations. I had to tell my husband that he was not allowed to call me a f*king b*tch, or to curse at me at all. You would think this is something obvious, but it apparently is not for people with autism[/quote]

That's too broad of a stroak. My dd has autism, and I have taught her from a very young age the rules of engagement with other humans. She would NEVER say anything like that. And not just b/c it's a rule, but b/c it's unkind and disrespectful.

I hate to say this, but never say never. When life's responsibilities become more difficult to manage as an adult, the masking begins to fall away, especially in the confines of the home.

People don’t “mask” autism. Really.

[Anonymous]

Adults do. Similar to alcoholics. They hide and perform all of the time - when out of the house or dating.