The mysterious marriage and dating market

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson have been married forever it seems.

Goldie + Kurt are not married but seem to have a solid, long-term relationship.

It all is based on luck.
Not beauty, charm or brains.

It is absolutely not all luck. IME the women who marry best are assertive go-getters with high self esteem and somewhat cutthroat and narcissistic. Then there is another tier of substantive, accomplished women who married medium guys and made it work. I have several friends who are incredible, successful, accomplished people (doctors, entrepreneurs) who do most of the work of parenthood and are the glue keeping their marriage together to guys who earn and contribute less in every way, but who are decedent and faithful and whom they decided to love. This second their are IMO much finer people than the first in every way.

[Anonymous]

Just look at the celebrity dating & marriage world.

Why in God’s name would I do that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

Do you mean you don’t DATE such men or you don’t know them? Is that even possible? Don’t you have a hair dresser, a friend who works in a restaurant, any friends who are teachers, any friends who are artists or musicians, any friends who are social workers or nurses etc etc etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

Do you mean you don’t DATE such men or you don’t know them? Is that even possible? Don’t you have a hair dresser, a friend who works in a restaurant, any friends who are teachers, any friends who are artists or musicians, any friends who are social workers or nurses etc etc etc?

No I mean I don’t know them at all. My hairdresser owns his own salon downtown. I don’t know what his exact salary is but he also lives in my neighborhood so I am sure he does well. I don’t have a friend who works in a restaurant but doesn’t own it. I don’t have any musician friends. Every nurse I know is a woman. The only teachers I know are at the higher ed level (professors or deans). Even my untenured prof friend makes over $150k.

And NONE of these men think they’re rich or entitled to pretty 20 somethings. Those that are single date women their own age and with similar looks.

[Anonymous]

The market has some inefficiencies here and there, but generally works pretty well.

[Anonymous]

Like the famous poster says, "The common element in all of your failed relationships is you."


If a guy complained about how all the girls he dated turned out to be gold diggers, or BSC, or cheaters, or alcoholics, etc... what would you say?

I think the reasonable advice would be, "maybe prioritize finding a stable well adjusted person -first-, then start working down the rest of your list."

There are tons of good quality single men and women who would make wonderful spouses out there looking for the same.

If you can't find one and always seem to end up with a disaster you are either, a disaster yourself (the people you want will avoid you) or you aren't doing enough to avoid the wrong people.

Take your time getting to know someone before getting into a relationship. Pay attention to warning signs early on. If they seem crazy, or hyper-critical, etc, it will only get worse.

I personally made this mistake twice, beautiful, intelligent, exciting, fun, flaky girls... who turned out to be absolute lunatics, hard drugs in one case and just plain nuts in the other. Experiences bad enough to make me lose any interest in their type.

Assume bad boys/bros/serial hookups aren't going to change.

Assume women who try to figure out your financial status at the outset of a relationship are cancer.

If your first couple dates involve drinking, try a couple dates without alcohol.

Pay attention to how people speak about others who are not present. If someone is always trashing their coworkers/friends/family/exs/etc, bail.

Values and core personality traits are relative constants. Looks, incomes, hobbies/interests, etc, change.

On the day after we got married in our mid-/early-twenties (respectively) we sat down and worked through our finances. We had ~$5k between us, no CC debt, but a negative net worth if you account for student loans.

Life has given us so much more than we could have asked for. We have a loving relationship, healthy children, and yes, high earning jobs and nice things.

We both married someone with ambition, values, a work ethic, and a willingness to put up with their partner's flaws.


Blah blah blah, OP, if I can give you one sentence to remember:

Look for a good person. Don't try to find out what they make, find out who they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling it a “market” is one of your problems.

It’s been called a market since Jane Austen’s time, dear.

Well I guess I am one of the privileged people that met their spouse in their 20’s. My friends and I just met guys we liked through college or work and eventually dated long enough that we decided to get married. I never thought of it as some prize to be won.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

Do you mean you don’t DATE such men or you don’t know them? Is that even possible? Don’t you have a hair dresser, a friend who works in a restaurant, any friends who are teachers, any friends who are artists or musicians, any friends who are social workers or nurses etc etc etc?

No I mean I don’t know them at all. My hairdresser owns his own salon downtown. I don’t know what his exact salary is but he also lives in my neighborhood so I am sure he does well. I don’t have a friend who works in a restaurant but doesn’t own it. I don’t have any musician friends. Every nurse I know is a woman. The only teachers I know are at the higher ed level (professors or deans). Even my untenured prof friend makes over $150k.

And NONE of these men think they’re rich or entitled to pretty 20 somethings. Those that are single date women their own age and with similar looks.

Ummm…. Maybe you should talk to your staff about their lives a little, or the clerk at the grocery store, or even the delivery driver who brings you ____, someone who helps you live your life of comfort should be acknowledged as a person.

[Anonymous]

OP, the question isn't whether then men are high quality, it's whether YOU are high quality.

[Anonymous]

I just lucked out. I met my husband during law school. I think he liked me because I was normal, not crazy, cute, and fun.

[Anonymous]

I think intercultural is the way to go. I lived in the UK in my early 20s. My husband and I both think the other is "out of our league." I couldn't imagine doing the DC or NY dating "market."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get your own career and be self sufficient.

Just this is usually not sufficient. You need a power team to make it big.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

Absolutely. 25 to 30 were the hardest years of my life in the dating market, but at 45 I see I have done very well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

I think when you look at these stories closely, you will see that girls who attracted "perfect partners" were much more willing to leave bad partners quickly. They screen hard.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson have been married forever it seems.

Goldie + Kurt are not married but seem to have a solid, long-term relationship.

It all is based on luck.
Not beauty, charm or brains.

It is absolutely not all luck. IME the women who marry best are assertive go-getters with high self esteem and somewhat cutthroat and narcissistic. Then there is another tier of substantive, accomplished women who married medium guys and made it work. I have several friends who are incredible, successful, accomplished people (doctors, entrepreneurs) who do most of the work of parenthood and are the glue keeping their marriage together to guys who earn and contribute less in every way, but who are decedent and faithful and whom they decided to love. This second their are IMO much finer people than the first in every way.

so basically women who don't marry well have no one to blame but themselves. what a bunch of nonsense.