The mysterious marriage and dating market

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

1) you don’t know any teachers, NGO workers, GS14 Feds? Only lawyers and lobbyists?

2) all those 30s men are looking at 20s women

I met my incredibly kind, tall, dark, and handsome big law associate boyfriend at age 32. So, no, they're not all looking at 20s women.

From experience with friends, I do think dating during ages 34-36 starts to get much more difficult if you want to find a good guy without kids from a previous marriage.

This is so untrue. Especially if one live in a play like NYC.

[Anonymous]

It’s succubi, you troglodyte.

Your use of the correct Latin word makes me want to invite you to visit me tonight, you little demon you.

Please keep it on the down-low, because if my wife catches you flying through our bedroom window to visit me, we will both see Hell on earth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

“Dork fed”, PP? Do you usually categorize, and dismiss people based on their jobs? You are a dou**e-canoe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

Then your circle is super small. Most men do not make 150k+

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single."

First off, most men don't care about your job, or your money. So stop leading with that. Men care first and foremost about your looks, if you're friendly and cooperative, and physically in shape. They want to be with women who smile, laugh and make their lives more peaceful instead of being another competitor. Women who treat them with basic civility and respect. If they want children, they are looking for a childless woman who shows signs of being a good, dedicated mother.

I know a lot of men who have left the dating scene because they cannot seem to find women who tick even half these boxes anymore.

These other women have been snapped up because they have tick all of these boxes, or at least most of them. So what are you doing wrong, OP, and how can you change it? Think about what men want.

My exHusband certainly did. He had an income requirement for dating. A lot of men care about a woman's income if they are considering marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

I think when you look at these stories closely, you will see that girls who attracted "perfect partners" were much more willing to leave bad partners quickly. They screen hard.

[Anonymous]

Can we also add that there aren't a lot of great men out there to begin with? Sure they exist....

I remember dating in my 20s and I met a lot of guys. Honestly at least a 3rd of them were abusive in some way. I had to break up with the pathological liar, the guy who suddenly got into drugs and changed into another person, the guy who thought too highly of his own stuff and consistently tried to "gently" take me down a peg, the guy who had another gf which he lied about and they were very serious, another one who started getting controlling a few weeks in and tried to tell me I couldn't be friends with someone anymore...

Then there was the guy who seemed perfectly nice, but I was getting serious with someone else so I broke things off...and THEN he started sending me hate mail. Totally psychotic.

So, I think you need high standards and a lot of luck. People settle for these men. They all got married (not to me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been mystified over this as well. I am what you would call a "good girl." I come from a nice family. I was raised with love and had a wonderful childhood. I didn't date until after college and only slept with the man who became my husband. I was looking for the whole package. Kind, smart, driven and from a good family too. I dated for marriage in my twenties.

And yet...not one guy who I would consider "high quality" chased me or showed interest in me. I worked in the NGO space so I guess I never ran into many guys anyway. I met my now husband at a think tank happy hour. I thought he had everything I was looking for. I ignored some red flags as he was the only guy to ever show me interest. 5 years in, he turned out to be an abusive, cheating drunk who cannot keep a job.

I feel like a fool. My life is a joke. I did everything right and it blew up in my face. What do you do when you just aren't desirable to the desirable guys?

After you leave him, you can start figuring out what you like and asking men out. The sooner you start the more time you'll have.

PP here. It was sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I wasn't broken or dysfunctional. In fact, I knew exactly what kind of man I wanted. But those guys would never show interest in me! At all! So...it killed my self esteem and I thought ok...they are clearly out of my league so I should go for someone who DOES want me, even if he drinks too much and comes from an abusive family. He has other great qualities! And overtime...his bad qualities just magnified. Now I am terrified to leave because if the guys I wanted never wanted me at my peak at 25...how can I possibly do well at 35?

Because you're going to do some therapy and be more self-aware and self-confident. You may find what you want has changed based on this set of experiences. And you're going to be willing to do more of the work of showing interest in THEM.

There's someone out there who would be nice to you. Nice to you is better than abusive and cheating, regardless of whatever other qualities these guys have.

Your problem was you were looking for a “package” rather than a person. Comes from “good family”? “Driven”, ie makes lots of money? So many superficial expectations. And listen, it’s kinda sounds like you aren’t that hot, which means your superficial expectations are thwarted by men’s superficial expectations

You should have dated in college as you would have learned more about men.

PP here. I definitely do not think I am very conventionally attractive as I was never pursued by guys even in my youth. I am slender but have a large crooked nose.

I had a crush on a slender woman with a large hook nose (she was from Jordan) so I would have liked you. But I wasn’t good from a good family do ships in the night I guess. I am Ivy educated though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

I am older (early 50s) but it seems like a lot of successful long-term matches are made in college and graduate school. The post-collegiate market dating scene is significantly chancier in that you need to wade through a lot of muck to find that right person. Online dating is its own form of hell.

I'm 48 and widowed with teen daughters. The dating market in my age range is terrible. I had a wonderful marriage, but I fear that I will probably stay single. I have not come across and men that are even close to the caliber of my late husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

1) you don’t know any teachers, NGO workers, GS14 Feds? Only lawyers and lobbyists?

2) all those 30s men are looking at 20s women

Absolutely not. I don't think I know anyone looking for a big age gap in their first marriage. Maybe that happens later, but it would be embarrassing for someone in my circle to bring around some girl only a couple years out of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

Then your circle is super small. Most men do not make 150k+

PLENTY do.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a previous poster about an optimal window. I come from a long line of marriages that lasted, but all parties were miserable. So I had a slightly warped vision of what a marriage should be, and I married someone who fit that mold when I was 26. Shocker - it sucked. I was on my own with two kids at 37. To say the pool looks different now at 40 is a gross understatement. I believe I’ll find someone again, but I don’t expect it to be easy nor am I willing to make remarriage my vocation when I’ve grown to love my freedom so much. Age can force a shift in how you view marriage, and I simply don’t want the same things anymore. However, if you’re serious about marriage you need to go at it hard. Look into matchmaking services. Ask your friends to set you up. And be open to men who have children, ex-wives, or an disconcertingly long record of bachelorhood. There are good men out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with a previous poster about an optimal window. I come from a long line of marriages that lasted, but all parties were miserable. So I had a slightly warped vision of what a marriage should be, and I married someone who fit that mold when I was 26. Shocker - it sucked. I was on my own with two kids at 37. To say the pool looks different now at 40 is a gross understatement. I believe I’ll find someone again, but I don’t expect it to be easy nor am I willing to make remarriage my vocation when I’ve grown to love my freedom so much. Age can force a shift in how you view marriage, and I simply don’t want the same things anymore. However, if you’re serious about marriage you need to go at it hard. Look into matchmaking services. Ask your friends to set you up. And be open to men who have children, ex-wives, or an disconcertingly long record of bachelorhood. There are good men out there.

I'm the PP who is 48 and widowed. I agree with everything that you wrote. Though I had a wonderful marriage, I am not looking to get remarried at my age. I have been widowed for three years and I am finally at a point where I feel happy most days and enjoy spending time with my daughters, family and friends. I hope to find a new partner again though and hopefully have a long-term relationship with someone who enjoys some of the same things that I do. And yes, I don't expect this to be easy at all and my expectations in a new partner are definitely lower than they would have been when I was first married.

[Anonymous]

Ok- I’m middle aged and married so I’m a bit out of it. Can someone explain this high-quality, low-quality thing. It sounds so judgmental… like everyone should agree that _____ is a “high-quality” trait and ____ is “low quality.” Is that where it is coming from?

[Anonymous]

I think there is something to be said for being somewhat relaxed and lighthearted about dating when you are young. I know being tactical and doing everything “right” works for some and that’s fine but I do think some men dislike feeling like a woman is doing everything she can to “catch” him. The “perfect” woman can feel very high pressure.