The mysterious marriage and dating market

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

Dorks are great

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

[Anonymous]

My big advice is that if you have any issues leftover from your childhood, face them head-on and fix them. I know I wasted my twenties because I was stuck on mourning my mother’s death when I was a teenager. I finally dealt with it with the right therapist in my thirties. After that I made some radical changes to my life, met my now-husband and have two kids, living the suburban mom life I really wanted. None of that would have happened if I hadn’t worked my way through my own issues first.

[Anonymous]

I think the most important factors are valuing yourself as a person, and being truly, ruthlessly, honest and introspective when you consider what it is that will make you happy.

The subcategory of “low quality” men I would include cheaters, men with multiple families, chronic unemployed/underemployed, drug/alcohol/gambling addiction, abusive, misogynistic and— one of the absolute worst of all— lazy. A woman with a sense of her own value does not give these men the time of day while dating, and has the self possession and confidence to leave these men if it comes up during dating and engagement. I know very few women married to men like this who Genuinely had no idea during the dating stages.

Then you get to the ruthless honesty about what makes you happy. There is nothing wrong or “low quality” with wanting to watch sports every Sunday, but if you date a guy thinking he won’t do that when you’re married it’s foolish— but plenty of women are unhappy being cook and caretaker every Sunday afternoon. Before I met my husband I dated a guy in medical school and one investment banker— both really great guys, “high quality” but I would not have been happy with the hours they put in vs hours spent with family. Others would be great with it! But I would have been in an unhappy marriage regardless of the quality of the partner if I wasn’t able to be honest about what I really was looking for. I think the bulk of unhappy marriages fall into the category of people choosing for what they think they want versus what would honestly make them happy partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling it a “market” is one of your problems.

Don’t kid yourself, it is. I used to live in San Francisco. I knew dozens of amazing, accomplished women. All single. Meanwhile, every shlubby under-employed guy who wanted a girlfriend had one. It was not a good place to live for a woman who wanted marriage and a family. Took me years to open my eyes and see the writing on the wall. I moved back to the east coast and dated more guys that first year than I had in years in SF. If you want certain things in life, like a spouse and a family, you have to be clear-eyed about what it will take to get that. You have to work on yourself, to be emotionally ready to be someone’s partner, and you have to put yourself in places where you’ll meet quality people who could be a match. It’s not “romantic”, but it’s real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

Dorks are great

The trick is to lock down a dork with potential early.

[Anonymous]

I agree with a lot of what has been said.

1. College and grad school are the best dating pools, which is not to say you should get engaged right after school. I dated my now-DH from 19-27 before getting engaged.

2. The rest of your 20s are the next best bet. By 30 the good guys are starting to get married/partnered up and the pool is getting smaller.

3. This is the most important one: know your worth and act on it. Don't waste time on bad bets. Cut your losses and move on. My friends who are single in their late 30s are largely the ones who wasted time on guys who clearly were never going to commit / did not want the same things / were not good partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

Totally agree with this. This is your window. Treat dating seriously as your other full time job during this time and be picky - don’t settle and don’t date just to have fun. Don’t waste time on losers.

Yep. This is me. Though I would extend the good dating age window up to 31 or 32.

I spent too much time in relationships that weren’t good enough for marriage. I should have cut them off sooner.

[Anonymous]

The women I know who are divorced or never met anyone are typically women who think men will change (for the better) or think they can work on their relationship. I also have a lot of friends who constantly say things similar to “marriage is so hard”.
It’s not. Relationships are not hard. Yes they take work, but it’s working on something you enjoy and get fulfillment from. If it’s a slog, if you resent it, if it’s So Hard - you are with the wrong person. I have knows people who are in couples counseling before they are even married - that is not a good sign.

If you don’t feel fulfilled, supported, loved and moved to return that love when you are young and child free, do you think it gets easier with kids, home ownership, job changes, aging bodies, aging parents, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

Totally agree with this. This is your window. Treat dating seriously as your other full time job during this time and be picky - don’t settle and don’t date just to have fun. Don’t waste time on losers.

Women are such succubus’s if all they’re looking for is money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

Totally agree with this. This is your window. Treat dating seriously as your other full time job during this time and be picky - don’t settle and don’t date just to have fun. Don’t waste time on losers.

Women are such succubus’s if all they’re looking for is money.

Same with men with their views about marriage and sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

1) you don’t know any teachers, NGO workers, GS14 Feds? Only lawyers and lobbyists?

2) all those 30s men are looking at 20s women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

Totally agree with this. This is your window. Treat dating seriously as your other full time job during this time and be picky - don’t settle and don’t date just to have fun. Don’t waste time on losers.

#1. This is what I did very early on. I didn't waste having sex either unless it was going somewhere or a commitment. It worked well for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

Haha love my dork fed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.

??? I’m in my 30s and live in the DC metro area and I doubt I know a man here who makes less than $150k.

1) you don’t know any teachers, NGO workers, GS14 Feds? Only lawyers and lobbyists?

2) all those 30s men are looking at 20s women

I met my incredibly kind, tall, dark, and handsome big law associate boyfriend at age 32. So, no, they're not all looking at 20s women.

From experience with friends, I do think dating during ages 34-36 starts to get much more difficult if you want to find a good guy without kids from a previous marriage.