The mysterious marriage and dating market

[Anonymous]

It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

[Anonymous]

It’s all about energy and genuine confidence, both reflect beliefs and inner dialogs.

[Anonymous]

A - Don't be desperate.

B - Don't just accept anything to be married.

I know plenty of women who married 'high-quality' but poor value (financially or emotionally) men. I also know women who married high-quality and high-value.

You need to set your eyes on a man with a vision and the skills to accomplish them, not just someone who is stable. Although is stable is good, you'll end up one of these envious biddies on DCUM always whining about money.

[Anonymous]

Get your own career and be self sufficient.

[Anonymous]

Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

Totally agree with this. This is your window. Treat dating seriously as your other full time job during this time and be picky - don’t settle and don’t date just to have fun. Don’t waste time on losers.

[Anonymous]

I’m 36 and I know a lot of women who claim to be trying to meet Mr Right but on closer inspection they just aren’t.

The women I know who are attractive and successful but still struggle on the dating market generally aren’t really open to settling down with the nice guys who were attracted to them. They definitely self sabotage. Things would be going well and then suddenly they break up, or push the guy to give up over vague reasons. They date guys younger than them or who admitted to not being serious about settling down. One friend right now is sobbing over a broken heart but the extent to which she sabotaged her own relationship completely explains her “bad luck.”

I’ve seen this come up with a few different roots. One is claiming to want kids, but if you really push them or discuss it with them when they’re feeling honest, they’re not sure. Another is parents having a bad marriage and not trusting their ability to avoid it. And then paradoxically I’ve seen women whose parents had EXCELLENT marriages, to the extent it felt like they would always fall short in their own lives. I’m sure there are other circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I am proof you don’t have to be good looking to find an excellent, loving, and compatible partner. However, I never had but one chase me. So, I was lucky in that regard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

I am older (early 50s) but it seems like a lot of successful long-term matches are made in college and graduate school. The post-collegiate market dating scene is significantly chancier in that you need to wade through a lot of muck to find that right person. Online dating is its own form of hell.

[Anonymous]

OP you're looking from the outside. Nothing is perfect and guaranteed many of those marriages are far from perfect. Regardless of looks (beauty fades) find a good stable partner with great morals who will be there even when things are tough. I started seeing many of those perfect marriages end when people approached 40 or after. Don't just scratch the surface OP.

[Anonymous]

It's not random. I don't see this "Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single." I know these girls and they go after these low quality partners. They like bad boys or they have daddy issues from their own childhoods or self esteem issues or they just aren't moving on when everyone else tells them too.

I also agree with the "peak years"- 22 to 28. Those are the best years to find a mate. You'll have your pick of guys. Don't sabotage yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A - Don't be desperate.

B - Don't just accept anything to be married.

I know plenty of women who married 'high-quality' but poor value (financially or emotionally) men. I also know women who married high-quality and high-value.

You need to set your eyes on a man with a vision and the skills to accomplish them, not just someone who is stable. Although is stable is good, you'll end up one of these envious biddies on DCUM always whining about money.

NP. I will never look at a man who isn’t a high-earner as “low value.” Nor will I waste this short life laughing at “envious biddies.”

[Anonymous]

Calling it a “market” is one of your problems.

[Anonymous]

You don’t just “get” a happy marriage. You have to choose to be happy. See the active thread about outsourcing. Lots of women refuse to choose peace & happiness.

[Anonymous]

OP your problem is a vanishingly small percentage of men make over $150k, and they can date women younger and prettier than you. Unless you are in the right circles at the right age, you have to settle for some dork Fed or something.