The mysterious marriage and dating market

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

I am older (early 50s) but it seems like a lot of successful long-term matches are made in college and graduate school. The post-collegiate market dating scene is significantly chancier in that you need to wade through a lot of muck to find that right person. Online dating is its own form of hell.

I'm 48 and widowed with teen daughters. The dating market in my age range is terrible. I had a wonderful marriage, but I fear that I will probably stay single. I have not come across and men that are even close to the caliber of my late husband.

I am 55 and feel the same way. No one compares, and I am mainly looking for a FWB but even that is hard to find as they need to be consistent and not crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

This is so true. The stress of those years was beyond belief for me as a woman as a result and I went the “make your own way” route, went to professional school late and married another professional late 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Calling it a “market” is one of your problems.

It’s been called a market since Jane Austen’s time, dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling it a “market” is one of your problems.

It’s been called a market since Jane Austen’s time, dear.

Maybe it's time that changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Calling it a “market” is one of your problems.

It’s been called a market since Jane Austen’s time, dear.

Maybe it's time that changed?

Tinder the meat market does not concur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

I am older (early 50s) but it seems like a lot of successful long-term matches are made in college and graduate school. The post-collegiate market dating scene is significantly chancier in that you need to wade through a lot of muck to find that right person. Online dating is its own form of hell.

I'm 48 and widowed with teen daughters. The dating market in my age range is terrible. I had a wonderful marriage, but I fear that I will probably stay single. I have not come across and men that are even close to the caliber of my late husband.

Hey, soul-sister. I'm 44 and have been widowed since I was 31. My kids are now teens. On again, off-again relationship with a hot, yet divorce-damaged guy. I've been so busy with kids, house and work that I don't have enough energy to care all that much. Wishing you the best as you navigate these crazy waters. The secret is to care, but not all that much, while not playing games. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It all seems so random to me. I don’t understand how certain girls attract the perfect partner and live more or less happily married. They also get the good quality guys chasing them when and if they are single.

Other girls who are also pretty and have good jobs keep getting their heart broken and either find low quality partners or wind up single.

Is there a magic sauce to being desirable to men?

I’m not sure if it’s looks as I’ve known plenty of beautiful friends who have attracted poor quality men and relationships.

I am older (early 50s) but it seems like a lot of successful long-term matches are made in college and graduate school. The post-collegiate market dating scene is significantly chancier in that you need to wade through a lot of muck to find that right person. Online dating is its own form of hell.

Wow, I'm in my early fifties too, and nearly every couple I know who met early in life, including college and grad school, is either miserable or divorcing. College and grad school are too early to know who you're going to become in life.

The magic is to focus on your own career. Marriage after you've accomplished things and you're at least self-sufficient. I don't mean you need to wait until 40. But wait at least until your late twenties. I can not emphasize enough how much some of these "college/grad sweetheart couples" DESPISE each other by their fifties. It's frightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

In my experience, the common denominator is poor self-esteem.

Every woman I know who's in a good relationship with a good man didn't meet him until she was in her 30s. I really don't know anyone, male or female, who married younger than 33ish. We all spent almost all of our twenties in school and weren't even thinking about relationships.

[Anonymous]

It’s 50% luck (simply being in the right place at the right time)
It’s 40% circumstance (people born to more advantageous circumstances are more likely to find similar advantages presented throughout their lives)
It’s 10% trying (you’ve got to make an effort to meet someone, even if it’s just the effort of being social or joining a dating app)

And these things are interrelated. If it feels like some people have all the luck, it’s because they do— if you are born to a stable, healthy family, you are more likely to attract stable, healthy relationships. People born to wealthy parents are more appealing to wealthy partners. You can make your own luck a bit by putting more effort in, but depending on your circumstances, that effort may not help that much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

In my experience, the common denominator is poor self-esteem.

Every woman I know who's in a good relationship with a good man didn't meet him until she was in her 30s. I really don't know anyone, male or female, who married younger than 33ish. We all spent almost all of our twenties in school and weren't even thinking about relationships.

I have very low self esteem and married well, to a man I met at 29.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

In my experience, the common denominator is poor self-esteem.

Every woman I know who's in a good relationship with a good man didn't meet him until she was in her 30s. I really don't know anyone, male or female, who married younger than 33ish. We all spent almost all of our twenties in school and weren't even thinking about relationships.

I have very low self esteem and married well, to a man I met at 29.

You're lucky. Women with poor self-esteem generally reject good men and attract bad ones.

[Anonymous]

The women I know who are still single by mid to late 30s tend to be very picky about the wrong things, very focused on height, money, and a checklist and not focused enough on values and compatibility. Of course attraction matters but I see them overlook genuinely wonderful men because they are a 7/10 and not a 9 or 10.

Several let themselves be strung along by men for many years who are clearly not looking for something serious, but they fall into the sunk cost fallacy even when it is obviously not going anywhere. They let themselves be treated badly and don't cut their losses, wasting more time and feeling even more invested. Agree with the PPs who said it is poor self esteem too.

A few of them are fun friends but disasters in a relationship, being way too needy and clingy, calling and texting incessantly. A few are really, really desperate to have kids and it shows. They can't be laid back and have fun on a first or second date, it's all 20 questions about timelines and 5-year plans. It works on a certain type of guy, but scares a lot of them off.

IMO the magic sauce is being emotionally and financially independent, not taking yourself too seriously while still being grounded and having good self worth, having a good sense of humor, not being clingy, desperate or too available, and being in an area with lots of other singles who share your values, plus good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of it is timing, luck and circumstance but sitting here at age 45 and reflecting back and seeing which amazing women I know that never found the right partner, the common denominator was this:

They spent time in dead end relationships at ages 22-28. Maybe I get flamed for this but those are the peak dating years for women, and after that the supply of good, eligible men shrinks dramatically and the ones that are left (attractive, successful men in their early 30s) rule the dating market and date younger.

In my experience, the common denominator is poor self-esteem.

Every woman I know who's in a good relationship with a good man didn't meet him until she was in her 30s. I really don't know anyone, male or female, who married younger than 33ish. We all spent almost all of our twenties in school and weren't even thinking about relationships.

+100

You need to accomplish some things, learn a lot, date a bit, figure out who you are - it's not rocket science. Otherwise, it's just luck and hoping that your shared values formed in your teens and early twenties will carry you through 60-80 years of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Just look at the celebrity dating & marriage world.

Beautiful people who seemingly have it all together usually have their own crosses to bear.

Beyoncé was cheated on.
Kim K. is going through her THIRD divorce.
J Lo cannot seem to find herself a stable guy + she is hitting fifty-two (!) next month.

[Anonymous]

Tom Hanks & Rita Wilson have been married forever it seems.

Goldie + Kurt are not married but seem to have a solid, long-term relationship.

It all is based on luck.
Not beauty, charm or brains.