Advice Needed: parents who both work long hours

[Anonymous]

PP here — I have had the nanny, the housekeeper, etc. but at at then end of the day, there is nothing like a parent being present at home (at least in our household).

[Anonymous]

I don’t know anyone who has this schedule who doesn’t also have a nanny + grandparents next door, or school/aftercare + au pair, or live-in grandparents + au pair. Having a pseudo-family person/third adult family member is key, especially one who can just intuit what needs done without you asking and managing them.

Even if you make a ton of money, hiring multiple people to cover the day and evening shift becomes impractical and a big time suck because of all of the knowledge transfer and organization that someone would have to do. It would relieve you of some responsibilities but add different ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am so burnt out but we need the income so me leaving my job really isn’t an option.

Your family can't live on $500k? Half a million dollars? Please.

My thoughts exactly. We both have flexible 40 hour a week jobs and make about 425k a year. Life is great and we feel very fortunate. OP doesn't "need the income" of 750k+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

Why are you cooking and cleaning at 8pm...?!If I had your income, I would never cook or clean. Ever.

Unless you have 24/7 help, which is REALLY expensive, rich people have to clean up after dinner too.

Are you kidding me? These people make THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION DOLLARS. If they can't afford a full-time housekeeper, they are doing something wrong. Stack the dinner dishes in the sink to soak, wipe the counters, and let the housekeeper deal with them in the morning.

Why are some of you so bad with money? Really undercuts that idea of meritocracy when rich people are so bad at being rich.

Yep. My aunt and uncle are a neurologist/nurse combo and bring home about 750k. They do precisely that. Dishes in sink. Quick wipe. Housekeeper comes daily in the morning to clean, do laundry, unpack any grocery delivery etc. op, you are bad at being rich because you don’t even realize you are rich.

How many kids do they have? How much do they pay their nanny? What is their kids’ private school tuition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

Why are you cooking and cleaning at 8pm...?!If I had your income, I would never cook or clean. Ever.

Unless you have 24/7 help, which is REALLY expensive, rich people have to clean up after dinner too.

Are you kidding me? These people make THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION DOLLARS. If they can't afford a full-time housekeeper, they are doing something wrong. Stack the dinner dishes in the sink to soak, wipe the counters, and let the housekeeper deal with them in the morning.

Why are some of you so bad with money? Really undercuts that idea of meritocracy when rich people are so bad at being rich.

Yep. My aunt and uncle are a neurologist/nurse combo and bring home about 750k. They do precisely that. Dishes in sink. Quick wipe. Housekeeper comes daily in the morning to clean, do laundry, unpack any grocery delivery etc. op, you are bad at being rich because you don’t even realize you are rich.

But are your aunt and uncle also paying for a FT nanny and private school? That’s a chunk of change right there... guessing over $100k/yr.

So assuming they need to gross $200k to pay for the nanny and private school, they only have half a million dollars left. Practically paupers! No way can they afford a housekeeper, amirite?

FFS.

It’s so funny how, when engaging in counting other people’s money, people tend to assume away all taxes.

[Anonymous]

Your options are to either outsource everything, or find a different job, or quit.
Please don’t act like you don’t have a choice. A single mom making $50,000 doesn’t have a choice. You do. Cars and houses can be sold to live a more affordable lifestyle, or you can spend the money to hire a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s so funny how, when engaging in counting other people’s money, people tend to assume away all taxes.

They’re left with at least 450k.
They are rich.

[Anonymous]

That sounds like a miserable existence. I am sorry OP. I understand why you are on here asking for help.

It is time to look at your finances. If your house is expensive, it’s time to sell and get something cheaper in a neighborhood with good public schools. If you are driving expensive cars, scale back and get cheaper cars. You can definitely live off of lower income jobs. I guarantee in 20 years, you are going to look back and wish you both had spent more time with your kids.

Put your foot down OP. No more private school, no more long hours.

You can do this OP. For your kids.

[Anonymous]

My goodness. DH and I both work FT and our HHI is $250k. We own a house in Arlington, have 3 cars, paid for child care for years and now pay for 2 kids in college, visit family frequently on another coast, and will be able to retire comfortably by 65. Are you telling me that if we made $500k more per year, we couldn't have afforded private k-12 school for 2 and a housekeeper? (Don't talk to me about taxes LOL, because I'm quite familiar with them.) Do you know how ridiculous this sounds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

Why are you cooking and cleaning at 8pm...?!If I had your income, I would never cook or clean. Ever.

Unless you have 24/7 help, which is REALLY expensive, rich people have to clean up after dinner too.

Are you kidding me? These people make THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION DOLLARS. If they can't afford a full-time housekeeper, they are doing something wrong. Stack the dinner dishes in the sink to soak, wipe the counters, and let the housekeeper deal with them in the morning.

Why are some of you so bad with money? Really undercuts that idea of meritocracy when rich people are so bad at being rich.

Yep. My aunt and uncle are a neurologist/nurse combo and bring home about 750k. They do precisely that. Dishes in sink. Quick wipe. Housekeeper comes daily in the morning to clean, do laundry, unpack any grocery delivery etc. op, you are bad at being rich because you don’t even realize you are rich.

But are your aunt and uncle also paying for a FT nanny and private school? That’s a chunk of change right there... guessing over $100k/yr.

So assuming they need to gross $200k to pay for the nanny and private school, they only have half a million dollars left. Practically paupers! No way can they afford a housekeeper, amirite?

FFS.

It’s so funny how, when engaging in counting other people’s money, people tend to assume away all taxes.

You couldn't cover one one kid in private school plus one full-time nanny with $200k after taxes? How much are we paying the nanny? Surely OP's 6 yo isn't in boarding school.

[Anonymous]

The issue is the lifestyle spending, which is fueling the hamster wheel. Private school is what, 40-50K per kid? If OP and her husband could agree on public, that alone could free her to find a more family friendly job, assuming all their other income is currently allocated to other things. But I'm sure it's possible to stop spending elsewhere if you look. Consumer spending on expensive cars and the like should be the first to get cut IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

Why are you cooking and cleaning at 8pm...?!If I had your income, I would never cook or clean. Ever.

Unless you have 24/7 help, which is REALLY expensive, rich people have to clean up after dinner too.

Are you kidding me? These people make THREE QUARTERS OF A MILLION DOLLARS. If they can't afford a full-time housekeeper, they are doing something wrong. Stack the dinner dishes in the sink to soak, wipe the counters, and let the housekeeper deal with them in the morning.

Why are some of you so bad with money? Really undercuts that idea of meritocracy when rich people are so bad at being rich.

Yep. My aunt and uncle are a neurologist/nurse combo and bring home about 750k. They do precisely that. Dishes in sink. Quick wipe. Housekeeper comes daily in the morning to clean, do laundry, unpack any grocery delivery etc. op, you are bad at being rich because you don’t even realize you are rich.

But are your aunt and uncle also paying for a FT nanny and private school? That’s a chunk of change right there... guessing over $100k/yr.

So assuming they need to gross $200k to pay for the nanny and private school, they only have half a million dollars left. Practically paupers! No way can they afford a housekeeper, amirite?

FFS.

It’s so funny how, when engaging in counting other people’s money, people tend to assume away all taxes.

You couldn't cover one one kid in private school plus one full-time nanny with $200k after taxes? How much are we paying the nanny? Surely OP's 6 yo isn't in boarding school.

Every dollar someone spends on a daily housekeeper, full time nanny, and private school tuition is money they can’t put toward retirement. Obviously if OP spends all their money on improving QOL today they can have tons of luxuries but I assume they’re trying to balance savings against spending.

[Anonymous]

I don't work quite your hours, but I leave the house at 7 to commute and get home at 5:30. I also work after hours for 2-3 hours once kids are in their beds. I am a teacher and make 90,000. My DH works at a college and makes 65,000.

With extra money, I would hire housekeeper to come three days a week for 2-3 hours. So bathrooms get done twice, kitchen each time, good maintenance cleaning and do laundry. It is hard to find a service that will do laundry and put it away but a private person would do it.

I would buy those healthy freezer meals - like eat local kind of things. Not Blue Apron but already prepared frozen. Have nanny put it in the oven at 4:45 and then it is ready at dinner. Open a container of salad and viola.

I would not outsource forms and such. Too much time teaching someone what you need. We don't have too much dry cleaning, but I know they deliver.

I already do grocery delivery.

Life is pretty doable being out of the house 7-5:30. dH gone 8:30-6:30. If we had an extra 600,000 life would be pretty great.

[Anonymous]

Nobody picked up on the fact that DH gets done working at 9 pm. OP what does he do then? My guess is not folding a basket of laundry. Regardless he needs to help more but you also sound really out of touch that you couldn’t take a mommy job and live like kings on $600k a year. Also there are tons of different private schools. It sounds like you picked very expensive ones which is fine but hardly a necessity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I am so burnt out but we need the income so me leaving my job really isn’t an option.

Your family can't live on $500k? Half a million dollars? Please.

My thoughts exactly. We both have flexible 40 hour a week jobs and make about 425k a year. Life is great and we feel very fortunate. OP doesn't "need the income" of 750k+.

same. 40 hr/week jobs and an HHI of 300k. We have plenty!!