Girlfriend Wants To Get Engaged Before Moving In

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do not get engaged unless you truly want to get married. Everyone on here is incredibly flippant about calling off an engagement, but as someone that happened to, keep in mind the incredible pain that is involved with breaking off an engagement.

Easier than the pain of divorce, but O agree OP should cut bait. They are at two different places. She knows she wants to marry him. He is unsure he wants to marry her. In 18 months they could both be with someone who is at the same place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP do not get engaged unless you truly want to get married. Everyone on here is incredibly flippant about calling off an engagement, but as someone that happened to, keep in mind the incredible pain that is involved with breaking off an engagement.

It’s clear that OP is not ready to commit to his girlfriend, which is perfectly fine. Honesty goes a long way in life.

Just continue to live separately and date each other to “assess readiness”. If OP cannot progress with this arrangement they should find other people to date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm your GF (not literally obviously). My BF just bought a place, he's renovating it, this will be done in the fall. He asked me to move in once his renovations are done.

1. Logistically, this is a nightmare. I know renovations, I've lived though them, they often go longer than we expect.

2. I live in a condo that I bought 5 years ago. If I leave I either have to sell or rent, which brings me to point 3.

3. I don't want to sell my home unless I'm engaged. Yes, engagements can be broken. However, asking me to move in is asking for a sacrifice on my end. I'm not willing to do it unless he wants to marry me.

Amen to that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know 1 person that lived together that didn’t get married.

She sounds high maintenance. Hard pass. Move on.

Oh my goodness, I know so many people who either had long drawn out breakups after living together, or got engaged after 5 years of living together and then got divorced.

I don’t know 1 person that didn’t live together before marriage. Maybe your friends are less educated.

NP: Less educated? That is a very strange suggestion. I don't Know many people who did live together before marriage, including a bunch of highly-educated professionals in DC.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Some people are replying and putting out a false narrative. I never said I didn’t want to marry her or that I wasn’t ready to marry her. I didn’t expect for her to say she needed to be engaged before moving in with me, but that is not an issue. I planned to propose soon anyway. A couple of months early is not a problem.

I’ve kept my word on everything I’ve said I would do. I’ve never led or her on or have mixed messages. I’m very blunt and don’t sugar coat anything. I felt like she should know that I intended on marrying her. I know she needs to be engaged to feel safe, and I will do that. I know there are men who never propose, so I understand wanting to make sure she is doing what is best for her. I want what is best for her too, which is why I will propose before she moves in. I wouldn’t want to lose her because of a couple months gap between moving in and getting engaged. I told her been we started getting serious that I’ve never lived with a girlfriend before and I would only live with someone if I intended on marrying them. I know she needs confirmation that I’m serious and for real. I’m going to propose this month after buying a ring and deciding how to propose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know 1 person that lived together that didn’t get married.

She sounds high maintenance. Hard pass. Move on.

Oh my goodness, I know so many people who either had long drawn out breakups after living together, or got engaged after 5 years of living together and then got divorced.

I don’t know 1 person that didn’t live together before marriage. Maybe your friends are less educated.

NP: Less educated? That is a very strange suggestion. I don't Know many people who did live together before marriage, including a bunch of highly-educated professionals in DC.

Definitely not talking about less educated people -- these are folks with grad degrees including PhDs, JDs, etc.

[Anonymous]

Your girlfriend is smart. People who live together first actually have higher divorce rates. I did the same thing with my boyfriend and I was 37 years old. Married 10 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some people are replying and putting out a false narrative. I never said I didn’t want to marry her or that I wasn’t ready to marry her. I didn’t expect for her to say she needed to be engaged before moving in with me, but that is not an issue. I planned to propose soon anyway. A couple of months early is not a problem.

I’ve kept my word on everything I’ve said I would do. I’ve never led or her on or have mixed messages. I’m very blunt and don’t sugar coat anything. I felt like she should know that I intended on marrying her. I know she needs to be engaged to feel safe, and I will do that. I know there are men who never propose, so I understand wanting to make sure she is doing what is best for her. I want what is best for her too, which is why I will propose before she moves in. I wouldn’t want to lose her because of a couple months gap between moving in and getting engaged. I told her been we started getting serious that I’ve never lived with a girlfriend before and I would only live with someone if I intended on marrying them. I know she needs confirmation that I’m serious and for real. I’m going to propose this month after buying a ring and deciding how to propose.

Hey OP I am going to disagree with these posters and ask that you don’t do this. You sound smart and level headed and confident, don’t screw yourself over this insecure, harpy girlfriend of yours.

First, she is wrong to force you into this. It’s like committing to pay for something without learning about it. Living together even for a few months can help you both learn about each other and grow together.

Second, I despise DESPISE people that give ultimatum like that - what’s next, buy her the 10K wedding dress or wedding doesn’t happen? Get her the house on this street or else you’re not buying a home? F$&k that noise. People that ask for ultimatums are insecure because they don’t trust their decision making and they need reassurance. Will you let her bully you into this? I guarantee you you will resent her for it. You can talk about engagement and plans for future without getting bullied around. You’re not asking her to move to different states or change jobs or something dramatic. Just move in and share a space and If it doesn’t work then big whoop you get a new apartment.

You are rational and committed, she is insecure, a bully, and high maintenance.

God I’m so angry for you haha you want the person you love to only act in black and white? Call her stupid bluff, let her walk. She won’t because she’s in the wrong. Think carefully about proposing because she’s forcing you to.

The women saying she’s smart in this thread are the same ones posting their husbands resent them, can’t stand them, and get cheated on. The start of the relationship is so important and you want it to be mutual not because you got some ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some people are replying and putting out a false narrative. I never said I didn’t want to marry her or that I wasn’t ready to marry her. I didn’t expect for her to say she needed to be engaged before moving in with me, but that is not an issue. I planned to propose soon anyway. A couple of months early is not a problem.

I’ve kept my word on everything I’ve said I would do. I’ve never led or her on or have mixed messages. I’m very blunt and don’t sugar coat anything. I felt like she should know that I intended on marrying her. I know she needs to be engaged to feel safe, and I will do that. I know there are men who never propose, so I understand wanting to make sure she is doing what is best for her. I want what is best for her too, which is why I will propose before she moves in. I wouldn’t want to lose her because of a couple months gap between moving in and getting engaged. I told her been we started getting serious that I’ve never lived with a girlfriend before and I would only live with someone if I intended on marrying them. I know she needs confirmation that I’m serious and for real. I’m going to propose this month after buying a ring and deciding how to propose.

Hey OP I am going to disagree with these posters and ask that you don’t do this. You sound smart and level headed and confident, don’t screw yourself over this insecure, harpy girlfriend of yours.

First, she is wrong to force you into this. It’s like committing to pay for something without learning about it. Living together even for a few months can help you both learn about each other and grow together.

Second, I despise DESPISE people that give ultimatum like that - what’s next, buy her the 10K wedding dress or wedding doesn’t happen? Get her the house on this street or else you’re not buying a home? F$&k that noise. People that ask for ultimatums are insecure because they don’t trust their decision making and they need reassurance. Will you let her bully you into this? I guarantee you you will resent her for it. You can talk about engagement and plans for future without getting bullied around. You’re not asking her to move to different states or change jobs or something dramatic. Just move in and share a space and If it doesn’t work then big whoop you get a new apartment.

You are rational and committed, she is insecure, a bully, and high maintenance.

God I’m so angry for you haha you want the person you love to only act in black and white? Call her stupid bluff, let her walk. She won’t because she’s in the wrong. Think carefully about proposing because she’s forcing you to.

The women saying she’s smart in this thread are the same ones posting their husbands resent them, can’t stand them, and get cheated on. The start of the relationship is so important and you want it to be mutual not because you got some ultimatum.

OP here. She didn’t give me an ultimatum. She said she was only willing to live together after we got engaged. She didn’t say I needed to propose by a certain point, or give a demand. She said she was going to move in once we got engaged. That leaves it up to me to decide if I want to propose or wait.

She’s not insecure, a bully, or high maintenance. She’s smart, strong, and intelligent. She had self-with and self-esteem and won’t put aside her values. She knows what she brings to the table and isn’t willing to settle. I respect that.

I already said I planned to propose to her in the fall. There is no need to wait a couple of months since I want to start living with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Some people are replying and putting out a false narrative. I never said I didn’t want to marry her or that I wasn’t ready to marry her. I didn’t expect for her to say she needed to be engaged before moving in with me, but that is not an issue. I planned to propose soon anyway. A couple of months early is not a problem.

I’ve kept my word on everything I’ve said I would do. I’ve never led or her on or have mixed messages. I’m very blunt and don’t sugar coat anything. I felt like she should know that I intended on marrying her. I know she needs to be engaged to feel safe, and I will do that. I know there are men who never propose, so I understand wanting to make sure she is doing what is best for her. I want what is best for her too, which is why I will propose before she moves in. I wouldn’t want to lose her because of a couple months gap between moving in and getting engaged. I told her been we started getting serious that I’ve never lived with a girlfriend before and I would only live with someone if I intended on marrying them. I know she needs confirmation that I’m serious and for real. I’m going to propose this month after buying a ring and deciding how to propose.

Hey OP I am going to disagree with these posters and ask that you don’t do this. You sound smart and level headed and confident, don’t screw yourself over this insecure, harpy girlfriend of yours.

First, she is wrong to force you into this. It’s like committing to pay for something without learning about it. Living together even for a few months can help you both learn about each other and grow together.

Second, I despise DESPISE people that give ultimatum like that - what’s next, buy her the 10K wedding dress or wedding doesn’t happen? Get her the house on this street or else you’re not buying a home? F$&k that noise. People that ask for ultimatums are insecure because they don’t trust their decision making and they need reassurance. Will you let her bully you into this? I guarantee you you will resent her for it. You can talk about engagement and plans for future without getting bullied around. You’re not asking her to move to different states or change jobs or something dramatic. Just move in and share a space and If it doesn’t work then big whoop you get a new apartment.

You are rational and committed, she is insecure, a bully, and high maintenance.

God I’m so angry for you haha you want the person you love to only act in black and white? Call her stupid bluff, let her walk. She won’t because she’s in the wrong. Think carefully about proposing because she’s forcing you to.

The women saying she’s smart in this thread are the same ones posting their husbands resent them, can’t stand them, and get cheated on. The start of the relationship is so important and you want it to be mutual not because you got some ultimatum.

OP here. She didn’t give me an ultimatum. She said she was only willing to live together after we got engaged. She didn’t say I needed to propose by a certain point, or give a demand. She said she was going to move in once we got engaged. That leaves it up to me to decide if I want to propose or wait.

She’s not insecure, a bully, or high maintenance. She’s smart, strong, and intelligent. She had self-with and self-esteem and won’t put aside her values. She knows what she brings to the table and isn’t willing to settle. I respect that.

I already said I planned to propose to her in the fall. There is no need to wait a couple of months since I want to start living with her.

OP here. I can not propose and our relationship will stay the same. She didn’t say I had to propose or we will break up. She said she is not willing to move in until we are engaged. There is no ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a good guy OP.

As long as you and your girlfriend can talk about this and come to an agreement, it's good.

Very few of my friends lived together before they were engaged or married, including my dh and I. The women I knew who moved in before they were engaged usually ended up moving out several years later, because there was never that engagement the boyfriend hinted at, they tended to like the more casual arrangement. And the women usually wasted years of their life in their 20s and 30s, when people were pairing up. This is a big risk to women who want to get married and have kids before their fertility tanks.

[Anonymous]

Basically, the women stayed in the relationship much longer than they would have otherwise, without an engagement, because they thought the engagement was always around the corner and it was easier to stay there than move out. For years. It's possible your girlfriend knows people who have gone through this.

I would have never moved in with anyone before engagement. Would have ended up wasting even more of my 20s dating men who didn't want to commit than I already did.

When a guy is really ready to get married, he will propose. Not suggest you live together. If you turn out not to be as compatible after moving in, it's easy to get unengaged, especially if you give yourselves a year before planning a wedding. You can always ask someone to marry you first, and shop for the ring together, which is what my dh and I did.

[Anonymous]

The upshot: move in together after you get engaged. If you plan to get engaged in the Fall, plan to move in together in the Fall.

[Anonymous]

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Have you never heard of this? You will reap all the benefits of marriage without the commitment. I never understood those who chose to buy a house together before getting married. I guess some people can live together for convenience or financial benefits.

My DH wanted to move in together and I declined. He took a little longer than I would have liked to propose. We closed on a house a few days before our wedding. We now have 3 kids together.

[Anonymous]

I didn't move in until after I was married. That worked for me and my husband. You should find someone who shares your view of relationships re: moving in together before engagement and so on and free your girlfriend to find who shares her view of relationship timelines.