Four Children: All Living on Opposite Coast

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend is a family therapist. I once mentioned to her that I felt bad for an aunt and uncle (I don't know them very well) because all of her 3 adult kids moved very far away from them. They only see their grandkids once a year or so. My friend immediately said "There's usually a good reason for that."

As a child who moved away, there certainty was.

But in their older age I would have welcomed my parents moving closer if they wished, but they were more attached to their house and hometown than they were me or my sibling or their grandchildren. It was sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a recent thread lambasting parents who let their kids move back home after college where an immigrant commented how puzzling she finds the "American way" sometimes. I'm an American through and through, and I agree with her.

We raised our family in a close-in NOVA suburb. We didn't "discourage" our kids from going to college out west, but it never occurred to them to do that either because they had a nice upbringing here, good parents, great friends from their childhood -- and UVA and other state colleges offering a first rate education. So they went that route. All of them studied abroad and went to grad school out of state. Two lived abroad for a couple years or more after college to volunteer (Peace Corps, etc). In the end, all of the kids settled in DC. Now that they've started families, they have grandparents and siblings who help out. No nannies required. If that means the kids aren't "independent," oh well, that's ok. We're good.

It may not always be that way though if your kids and their spouses are ambitious. I am California born and raised and we moved twice in the last 5 years for job related reasons.

Yea, you're right. There's certainly no opportunities for "ambitious" people in DC.

You...must not be very bright. I moved here, to dc, for a job. So I’m well aware. But 5 years ago, I would have never thought I’d end up here. My point is that for career oriented people, jobs open up all over and internationally - and if you want to be on the fast track, that often means taking the promotion in a different state or even country. In this day and age, most people don’t live their whole life in the same place.

No, you must not be very bright. There really aren't that many places with as many opportunities as DC. That's why you're here, right? Well, we already were . . .

My kids have no need to or interest in moving away to "be on the fast track." This is the fast track.

Please tell me you are joking / yanking chains. If not, it is exactly why people need to move to different areas from where they were raised and open their eyes beyond their provincial view.

[Anonymous]

Yup, the kids are fleeing a bad or abusive situation likely and no longer want to be under the influence of likely very controlling or neurotic parents. I see the trend all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My @ss would be moving to the west coast.

This. I find it odd that empty nesters (especially those with grandkids) don't follow their kids when all the kids are in one location. If the kids are scattered or if one lives close to the original home, then it makes sense. But all of them a five hour flight away?

My folks are in CA and all their children and grandchildren are on the east coast. They can well afford to move. It's fine that they don't want to, they get to make that choice ... but I had to tell my mom to stop complaining about how she never sees her grandkids because it's very much within her control. I know a ton of people whose parents moved out here to be near grandkids.

My MIL is this way. She complains constantly about not seeing her only grandchild more often, but she lives in the tiny town where my DH grew up (and where she grew up) that has no airport and is 7 hour drive from us and a 2 hour drive from the nearest airport. She is long since retired, has a pension, and owns her home outright. I've even suggested that we could buy a larger home and she could live with us if that would make more sense. She also complains about the weather there all the time and says it's too cold for her. But she is too set in her ways and afraid of change.

I just don't get it. You get one life. If you want to see your family more, if what you value is your relationship with your grandchild, then make choices that reflect that. I do not understand people who have the means and opportunity to get exactly what they want and just keep choosing something else. A mystery.

She has her friends, clubs, church, etc. where she lives. Are you going to duplicate that?
Moving to a new area for older people is very hard. They have to get to know a new area. They easily get lost, so even a trip to the grocery store can be difficult. They would have to find a new doctor. New church. New everything. That’s a lot to ask from someone just so they can see grandkids more often.

[Anonymous]

I live very close and cannot remember the last time I saw my parents. One calls every few months and we rotate who talks since they want a 5-10 minute phone call. They have zero interest in us so I stopped chasing them.

[Anonymous]

Living in California is addictive. The DMV weather was uncomfortable at times but I never found it intolerable until I moved to CA. When we come back to visit the heat/humidity or icy/wet cold hits us hard. Driving in the torrential rain which we used to do all the time while commuting now freaks us out when we come back. I miss the museums and our friends but I don’t think I could go back because of the weather.

There are some big industries in CA that don’t have the same job opportunities in DC. Tech, biomedical, clean energy, entertainment is all dominant there. DC and NOVA have mostly law, fed agencies, lobbying, consulting, govt contracting, operational tech, sales. MOCO really doesn’t have anything beyond county civil jobs and some small non profits and NI.h.

It’s understandable that someone less than 10 years out of college would be building their career where there are better job opportunities and better lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, the kids are fleeing a bad or abusive situation likely and no longer want to be under the influence of likely very controlling or neurotic parents. I see the trend all the time.

You know this how? Maybe the offspring just enjoy living and working in Palo Alto, San Diego, Mill Valley or San Francisco, whatever. And quite likely the parents love them, encourage them and enjoy family gatherings on the west coast. Please don't presume you know what you think you know.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t it too expensive for an average person to live in CA? Our friends were in San Diego, had good degrees and jobs but still just felt like they were barely getting by. They moved to NC and love it.

OP, I don’t think your feelings are strange at all. But I also wouldn’t have sent my kids to school in CA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: None of the 4 kids live in the same town in CA. I’m guessing there were issues with one or both parents and put some distance between them. Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast. Those posters who are being defensive and calling me names should perhaps self reflect and be better parents.

Are you crazy? My oldest is a military officer. He lives where he is stationed. My daughter took a job in London because....London! Two of my kids got great job offers out of state. My youngest went to a great college in another state. We are an extremely close family. They are home often. I talk to them at least two or three times a week. They travel to visit each other often. Kids grow up. They get married. They start families of their own. Jobs often require relocations. It's just part of life.

I think it's weird that you feel kids should settle near their parents. We aren't staying here. We are heading to our retirement location in nine months. Do you think all my kids should move with us?

It's not they they should. It's that it's nice(r) when they do. Especially when you have grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a recent thread lambasting parents who let their kids move back home after college where an immigrant commented how puzzling she finds the "American way" sometimes. I'm an American through and through, and I agree with her.

We raised our family in a close-in NOVA suburb. We didn't "discourage" our kids from going to college out west, but it never occurred to them to do that either because they had a nice upbringing here, good parents, great friends from their childhood -- and UVA and other state colleges offering a first rate education. So they went that route. All of them studied abroad and went to grad school out of state. Two lived abroad for a couple years or more after college to volunteer (Peace Corps, etc). In the end, all of the kids settled in DC. Now that they've started families, they have grandparents and siblings who help out. No nannies required. If that means the kids aren't "independent," oh well, that's ok. We're good.

It may not always be that way though if your kids and their spouses are ambitious. I am California born and raised and we moved twice in the last 5 years for job related reasons.

Yea, you're right. There's certainly no opportunities for "ambitious" people in DC.

You...must not be very bright. I moved here, to dc, for a job. So I’m well aware. But 5 years ago, I would have never thought I’d end up here. My point is that for career oriented people, jobs open up all over and internationally - and if you want to be on the fast track, that often means taking the promotion in a different state or even country. In this day and age, most people don’t live their whole life in the same place.

No, you must not be very bright. There really aren't that many places with as many opportunities as DC. That's why you're here, right? Well, we already were . . .

My kids have no need to or interest in moving away to "be on the fast track." This is the fast track.

Lady..what? Your kids must all work in govt related or defense industries or non profits...lol at dc being “the” fast track spot. That’s a very narrow worldview. There are very few Fortune 500 companies located here. Tech is not headquartered here. Most finance (pe / banking) firms are not headquartered here. That’s great you feel so confident none of your kids will ever leave but you really don’t know that. I won’t be here forever either.

This is another example of someone just being contrarian. Of course DC isn't the ONLY fast track, and that's not what I meant. But it's certainly one of them. No place on earth is the fast track for everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Im the eldest of four and none of us live close to our parents. It’s called teaching your kids independence, letting them thrive on their own.

Again, why does "independence" and "thriving on your own" require moving away from your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend is a family therapist. I once mentioned to her that I felt bad for an aunt and uncle (I don't know them very well) because all of her 3 adult kids moved very far away from them. They only see their grandkids once a year or so. My friend immediately said "There's usually a good reason for that."

As a child who moved away, there certainty was.

But in their older age I would have welcomed my parents moving closer if they wished, but they were more attached to their house and hometown than they were me or my sibling or their grandchildren. It was sad.

I can’t speak for your situation, but it’s not necessarily sad if parents don’t want to move or are not yet ready to move closer to their kids. My parents are the same way and I understand why. They have an established community of friends; they have relatives nearby; they have their own community and life. It would be difficult to move and start all over, making new friends. As long as they are happy and keep themselves busy, I’m happy for them. I have friends whose parents moved to be near them, and because of job changes, their kids needed to move away. That is a headache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: None of the 4 kids live in the same town in CA. I’m guessing there were issues with one or both parents and put some distance between them. Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast. Those posters who are being defensive and calling me names should perhaps self reflect and be better parents.

Are you crazy? My oldest is a military officer. He lives where he is stationed. My daughter took a job in London because....London! Two of my kids got great job offers out of state. My youngest went to a great college in another state. We are an extremely close family. They are home often. I talk to them at least two or three times a week. They travel to visit each other often. Kids grow up. They get married. They start families of their own. Jobs often require relocations. It's just part of life.

I think it's weird that you feel kids should settle near their parents. We aren't staying here. We are heading to our retirement location in nine months. Do you think all my kids should move with us?

It's not they they should. It's that it's nice(r) when they do. Especially when you have grandkids.

I stayed for my parents promising to help. They have babysat a few times in 12 years. When we had emergencies they would not help. I regret staying for them and letting them control my life. I wish I went to ca when my husband asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: None of the 4 kids live in the same town in CA. I’m guessing there were issues with one or both parents and put some distance between them. Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast. Those posters who are being defensive and calling me names should perhaps self reflect and be better parents.

Are you crazy? My oldest is a military officer. He lives where he is stationed. My daughter took a job in London because....London! Two of my kids got great job offers out of state. My youngest went to a great college in another state. We are an extremely close family. They are home often. I talk to them at least two or three times a week. They travel to visit each other often. Kids grow up. They get married. They start families of their own. Jobs often require relocations. It's just part of life.

I think it's weird that you feel kids should settle near their parents. We aren't staying here. We are heading to our retirement location in nine months. Do you think all my kids should move with us?

It's not they they should. It's that it's nice(r) when they do. Especially when you have grandkids.

I stayed for my parents promising to help. They have babysat a few times in 12 years. When we had emergencies they would not help. I regret staying for them and letting them control my life. I wish I went to ca when my husband asked.

Too bad for you. We help to the point where we are almost like a second set of parents. Our grandkids have never once had a non-family babysitter or caregiver. No day care. No nanny. Never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a recent thread lambasting parents who let their kids move back home after college where an immigrant commented how puzzling she finds the "American way" sometimes. I'm an American through and through, and I agree with her.

We raised our family in a close-in NOVA suburb. We didn't "discourage" our kids from going to college out west, but it never occurred to them to do that either because they had a nice upbringing here, good parents, great friends from their childhood -- and UVA and other state colleges offering a first rate education. So they went that route. All of them studied abroad and went to grad school out of state. Two lived abroad for a couple years or more after college to volunteer (Peace Corps, etc). In the end, all of the kids settled in DC. Now that they've started families, they have grandparents and siblings who help out. No nannies required. If that means the kids aren't "independent," oh well, that's ok. We're good.

It may not always be that way though if your kids and their spouses are ambitious. I am California born and raised and we moved twice in the last 5 years for job related reasons.

Yea, you're right. There's certainly no opportunities for "ambitious" people in DC.

You...must not be very bright. I moved here, to dc, for a job. So I’m well aware. But 5 years ago, I would have never thought I’d end up here. My point is that for career oriented people, jobs open up all over and internationally - and if you want to be on the fast track, that often means taking the promotion in a different state or even country. In this day and age, most people don’t live their whole life in the same place.

No, you must not be very bright. There really aren't that many places with as many opportunities as DC. That's why you're here, right? Well, we already were . . .

My kids have no need to or interest in moving away to "be on the fast track." This is the fast track.

Lady..what? Your kids must all work in govt related or defense industries or non profits...lol at dc being “the” fast track spot. That’s a very narrow worldview. There are very few Fortune 500 companies located here. Tech is not headquartered here. Most finance (pe / banking) firms are not headquartered here. That’s great you feel so confident none of your kids will ever leave but you really don’t know that. I won’t be here forever either.

This is another example of someone just being contrarian. Of course DC isn't the ONLY fast track, and that's not what I meant. But it's certainly one of them. No place on earth is the fast track for everything.

No one said one place on earth is the fast track for everything. That was the whole point. It’s pretty darn normal for people to move for career opportunities, all over, so I don’t find it at all unusual that kids wouldn’t settle near their parents. Also, these days most people have dual career families - so it’s not just where your kid’s next job may be, but your kid’s spouse’s next job as well (and where their family is, potentially). This is such a bizarre thread.