Four Children: All Living on Opposite Coast

[Anonymous]

Between alleged terrible parents and a busy body neighbor, why would they ever stay there?

[Anonymous]

OP here: None of the 4 kids live in the same town in CA. I’m guessing there were issues with one or both parents and put some distance between them. Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast. Those posters who are being defensive and calling me names should perhaps self reflect and be better parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast.

You have a very narrow view of what is normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why? We have five. Three college grads. One in college. One senior in high school. Our oldest lives in Georgia. Our second in Colorado. Our third in Florida. Our fourth is in London. We see all of them several times a year. I miss them. But, I’m super proud of the independent young men and woman they have become.

You do realize that you can have "independent young men and women" as adult children who also live nearby, right? It's called being a close family.

DP, but it’s often called having kids who are “not very independent”. May not be the case for your family, of course.

Please explain why kids aren't "very independent" if they live in the same metropolitan area as their parents. Does being "very independent" require that you move to the other side of the country and only have perfunctory visits with your parents a couple times a year? My definition of "very independent" is having a job, supporting yourself, owning your own home, and having a partner. I didn't know that being "very independent" requires detaching yourself from your parents and siblings.

NP and my definition of independent means having a job, supporting yourself and living on your own. You don’t consider someone who rents an apartment independent? Or lives with roommates to afford to pay rent? Or someone who lives on their own but has no partner? Geez - your view is also narrow.

Oh stop it. You're just being contrarian. Of course what you've described is independent. I was talking about my kids' current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why? We have five. Three college grads. One in college. One senior in high school. Our oldest lives in Georgia. Our second in Colorado. Our third in Florida. Our fourth is in London. We see all of them several times a year. I miss them. But, I’m super proud of the independent young men and woman they have become.

You do realize that you can have "independent young men and women" as adult children who also live nearby, right? It's called being a close family.

Your implication is that if children choose to live somewhere other than near their parents, for any number of reasons (climate, significant others, career, general unspecified preference), that means they are not a close family?

Is it hard being that stupid?

No, but it's hard being a "close family" living 3000 miles away from that family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast.

You have a very narrow view of what is normal.

Agree! OP, I think you may be more concerned with your own needs than their's.

Also - where is your sense of adventure? Just out of college to early 20's a perfect time to explore living in other places. (And you may just find that you like one of them).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: None of the 4 kids live in the same town in CA. I’m guessing there were issues with one or both parents and put some distance between them. Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast. Those posters who are being defensive and calling me names should perhaps self reflect and be better parents.

For a while, one of my sisters lived in London, the other lived in NYC, and I lived in Tokyo. We adore our parents; they were and are amazing and supportive. They have always encouraged us to see the world and try new things and loved visiting us in whatever cities we settled, especially now that they're retired. The place they live wasn't the right choice for any of our careers, although I know all of us have been scheming to have more options so we can move closer when they get older and need support. I don't understand why you believe that constant physical presence is the only marker for affection, especially in the current era of relatively cheap plane travel and extremely cheap phone/video call options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: None of the 4 kids live in the same town in CA. I’m guessing there were issues with one or both parents and put some distance between them. Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast. Those posters who are being defensive and calling me names should perhaps self reflect and be better parents.

You can share your life with people who live far away. We've certainly seen that this year, haven't we? I know several people who have been zooming regularly with family members they spoke with only occasionally before the pandemic.

And, how do you know the kids were running away from their parents? Maybe they were running to something -- school, work, living in a place where they can be outdoors more often, being with a romantic/life partner -- and the parents might have been cheering them on. I posted earlier about my son who will be working in Oregon. He has an awesome job opportunity and he loves hiking, kayaking, skiing, cycling, etc. -- all things he'll be able to do much more easily and frequently in Oregon.

Finally, nobody should be calling you names, but maybe you should reflect on why you must see your neighbors in the worst possible light.

[Anonymous]

There was a recent thread lambasting parents who let their kids move back home after college where an immigrant commented how puzzling she finds the "American way" sometimes. I'm an American through and through, and I agree with her.

We raised our family in a close-in NOVA suburb. We didn't "discourage" our kids from going to college out west, but it never occurred to them to do that either because they had a nice upbringing here, good parents, great friends from their childhood -- and UVA and other state colleges offering a first rate education. So they went that route. All of them studied abroad and went to grad school out of state. Two lived abroad for a couple years or more after college to volunteer (Peace Corps, etc). In the end, all of the kids settled in DC. Now that they've started families, they have grandparents and siblings who help out. No nannies required. If that means the kids aren't "independent," oh well, that's ok. We're good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There was a recent thread lambasting parents who let their kids move back home after college where an immigrant commented how puzzling she finds the "American way" sometimes. I'm an American through and through, and I agree with her.

We raised our family in a close-in NOVA suburb. We didn't "discourage" our kids from going to college out west, but it never occurred to them to do that either because they had a nice upbringing here, good parents, great friends from their childhood -- and UVA and other state colleges offering a first rate education. So they went that route. All of them studied abroad and went to grad school out of state. Two lived abroad for a couple years or more after college to volunteer (Peace Corps, etc). In the end, all of the kids settled in DC. Now that they've started families, they have grandparents and siblings who help out. No nannies required. If that means the kids aren't "independent," oh well, that's ok. We're good.

It may not always be that way though if your kids and their spouses are ambitious. I am California born and raised and we moved twice in the last 5 years for job related reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a recent thread lambasting parents who let their kids move back home after college where an immigrant commented how puzzling she finds the "American way" sometimes. I'm an American through and through, and I agree with her.

We raised our family in a close-in NOVA suburb. We didn't "discourage" our kids from going to college out west, but it never occurred to them to do that either because they had a nice upbringing here, good parents, great friends from their childhood -- and UVA and other state colleges offering a first rate education. So they went that route. All of them studied abroad and went to grad school out of state. Two lived abroad for a couple years or more after college to volunteer (Peace Corps, etc). In the end, all of the kids settled in DC. Now that they've started families, they have grandparents and siblings who help out. No nannies required. If that means the kids aren't "independent," oh well, that's ok. We're good.

It may not always be that way though if your kids and their spouses are ambitious. I am California born and raised and we moved twice in the last 5 years for job related reasons.

Yea, you're right. There's certainly no opportunities for "ambitious" people in DC.

[Anonymous]

My father left Asia as a young man to live in Europe.

I left Europe as a young woman to live in the US.

We must be odd to you, right OP?

[Anonymous]

My DH and his siblings live on three different continents.

His parents encouraged them to go live their lives as they wanted and to not worry about them.

Only one of sibling lives near my parents, but this is due to childcare issues as she is a single parent. The rest of us moved to the other side of the country.


Why is this an odd situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: None of the 4 kids live in the same town in CA. I’m guessing there were issues with one or both parents and put some distance between them. Most normal kids would want to share their lives with their normal parents and not run away to the other coast. Those posters who are being defensive and calling me names should perhaps self reflect and be better parents.

I think you may want to reflect on why you think grown adults need to feel they must live near their parents. Are you one of those people who would never leave your little town because that is your whole world?

I will encourage my kids to fly the coup and go live in a different country if they want to.

[Anonymous]

This is common and it’s very odd that you find it odd.

My parents live in CA and my sibling and I both moved to the east coast for college and now live there as adults. We both love our parents very much and we speak regularly but both wanted the adventure of living somewhere new and different after HS and love where we live now. I never thought there was anything odd about this at all. Out parents have always been very supportive and we remain a close family despite the distance.