Staying together for kids, do you plan for future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

THIS

The people in here are very unimaginative if they think no fighting = great marriage.

Yep and they think the next relationship will be soooo much better lmao!

From someone married twice, and still with #2. It's simply another new set of problems.......

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

Who is to say what a good marriage is or not? Only the people in it.

Just because we don’t fight and we get along doesn’t mean we are in love.

You're in a different kind of love, probably the one that stays for the long run. The in love is usually lust and will wear off.

You're living in a fantasy - most people would be happy to have the marriage you currently have.

Well that is very sad then.

Imho, relationships aren’t meant to last your whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

Who is to say what a good marriage is or not? Only the people in it.

Just because we don’t fight and we get along doesn’t mean we are in love.

You're in a different kind of love, probably the one that stays for the long run. The in love is usually lust and will wear off.

You're living in a fantasy - most people would be happy to have the marriage you currently have.

Well that is very sad then.

Imho, relationships aren’t meant to last your whole life.

Did you tell your spouse that before you said your vows?

[Anonymous]

If you don’t fight (often), don’t bicker in front of the kids, and are able to coparent together such that you can still have happy family dinners every night, holidays, game nights, vacations, and so on, and you’re on the same page about it, why wouldn’t you stay together for the sake of the kids?

You give them a family centered childhood. We may not be “in love” anymore but they don’t need to know that. We still kiss goodbye and say “I love you” in front of them. I honestly don’t know how they’d be able to tell this is fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Exactly! Very well said. And by the way, for all the people asking, the reason I don’t tell him now is that it *would* cause fighting and emotional turmoil which would upset the kids. Better to keep quiet about it for the next few years and spare them the whole ordeal. They don’t need our drama in their lives.

The one thing is, we don’t sleep together, which I’ve explained to them is because he snores (which they know is true). I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep to preserve the pretense 100%.

But we’re able to be friendly and at ease in each other’s presence. We still say “I love you” in front of them when saying good bye and goodnight. I don’t think they’d be able to tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Exactly! Very well said. And by the way, for all the people asking, the reason I don’t tell him now is that it *would* cause fighting and emotional turmoil which would upset the kids. Better to keep quiet about it for the next few years and spare them the whole ordeal. They don’t need our drama in their lives.

The one thing is, we don’t sleep together, which I’ve explained to them is because he snores (which they know is true). I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep to preserve the pretense 100%.

But we’re able to be friendly and at ease in each other’s presence. We still say “I love you” in front of them when saying good bye and goodnight. I don’t think they’d be able to tell.

Give me a break: you could get into counseling to discuss this and work on the marriage. From everything you wrote, both HE AND THE KIDS are going to be blindsided. They are going to question what was real --this happened to my roommate in college and it was more traumatic because there was such an act that her and her siblings couldn't get over what part of their childhood, parents' marriages were actually real, if any of it. It haunted them for a very long, long time after. Some estrangement too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

Who is to say what a good marriage is or not? Only the people in it.

Just because we don’t fight and we get along doesn’t mean we are in love.

You're in a different kind of love, probably the one that stays for the long run. The in love is usually lust and will wear off.

You're living in a fantasy - most people would be happy to have the marriage you currently have.

Well that is very sad then.

Imho, relationships aren’t meant to last your whole life.

Did you tell your spouse that before you said your vows?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

Who is to say what a good marriage is or not? Only the people in it.

Just because we don’t fight and we get along doesn’t mean we are in love.

You're in a different kind of love, probably the one that stays for the long run. The in love is usually lust and will wear off.

You're living in a fantasy - most people would be happy to have the marriage you currently have.

Well that is very sad then.

Imho, relationships aren’t meant to last your whole life.

Did you tell your spouse that before you said your vows?

+100

No because I didn’t know I felt that way back then. How could I, I was 26?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Exactly! Very well said. And by the way, for all the people asking, the reason I don’t tell him now is that it *would* cause fighting and emotional turmoil which would upset the kids. Better to keep quiet about it for the next few years and spare them the whole ordeal. They don’t need our drama in their lives.

The one thing is, we don’t sleep together, which I’ve explained to them is because he snores (which they know is true). I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep to preserve the pretense 100%.

But we’re able to be friendly and at ease in each other’s presence. We still say “I love you” in front of them when saying good bye and goodnight. I don’t think they’d be able to tell.

Give me a break: you could get into counseling to discuss this and work on the marriage. From everything you wrote, both HE AND THE KIDS are going to be blindsided. They are going to question what was real --this happened to my roommate in college and it was more traumatic because there was such an act that her and her siblings couldn't get over what part of their childhood, parents' marriages were actually real, if any of it. It haunted them for a very long, long time after. Some estrangement too.

And say what? That I want to relive my youth? There’s nothing to “work on.” The relationship has run its course, this is natural.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Exactly! Very well said. And by the way, for all the people asking, the reason I don’t tell him now is that it *would* cause fighting and emotional turmoil which would upset the kids. Better to keep quiet about it for the next few years and spare them the whole ordeal. They don’t need our drama in their lives.

The one thing is, we don’t sleep together, which I’ve explained to them is because he snores (which they know is true). I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep to preserve the pretense 100%.

But we’re able to be friendly and at ease in each other’s presence. We still say “I love you” in front of them when saying good bye and goodnight. I don’t think they’d be able to tell.

Give me a break: you could get into counseling to discuss this and work on the marriage. From everything you wrote, both HE AND THE KIDS are going to be blindsided. They are going to question what was real --this happened to my roommate in college and it was more traumatic because there was such an act that her and her siblings couldn't get over what part of their childhood, parents' marriages were actually real, if any of it. It haunted them for a very long, long time after. Some estrangement too.

He’ll be surprised but I predict he’ll get over it quickly. As for the kids, I’m not sure why you think they will care that much. They’ll be busy and preoccupied with their own lives, which is how it should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Exactly! Very well said. And by the way, for all the people asking, the reason I don’t tell him now is that it *would* cause fighting and emotional turmoil which would upset the kids. Better to keep quiet about it for the next few years and spare them the whole ordeal. They don’t need our drama in their lives.

The one thing is, we don’t sleep together, which I’ve explained to them is because he snores (which they know is true). I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep to preserve the pretense 100%.

But we’re able to be friendly and at ease in each other’s presence. We still say “I love you” in front of them when saying good bye and goodnight. I don’t think they’d be able to tell.

Give me a break: you could get into counseling to discuss this and work on the marriage. From everything you wrote, both HE AND THE KIDS are going to be blindsided. They are going to question what was real --this happened to my roommate in college and it was more traumatic because there was such an act that her and her siblings couldn't get over what part of their childhood, parents' marriages were actually real, if any of it. It haunted them for a very long, long time after. Some estrangement too.

And say what? That I want to relive my youth? There’s nothing to “work on.” The relationship has run its course, this is natural.

You are having a midlife crisis and are at the bottom of the U in the happiness curve, but too juvenile and selfish to realize that. So instead you will destroy what could have been great down the road. Enjoy the divorced men out there. The vast majority are seasoned cheaters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Exactly! Very well said. And by the way, for all the people asking, the reason I don’t tell him now is that it *would* cause fighting and emotional turmoil which would upset the kids. Better to keep quiet about it for the next few years and spare them the whole ordeal. They don’t need our drama in their lives.

The one thing is, we don’t sleep together, which I’ve explained to them is because he snores (which they know is true). I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep to preserve the pretense 100%.

But we’re able to be friendly and at ease in each other’s presence. We still say “I love you” in front of them when saying good bye and goodnight. I don’t think they’d be able to tell.

Give me a break: you could get into counseling to discuss this and work on the marriage. From everything you wrote, both HE AND THE KIDS are going to be blindsided. They are going to question what was real --this happened to my roommate in college and it was more traumatic because there was such an act that her and her siblings couldn't get over what part of their childhood, parents' marriages were actually real, if any of it. It haunted them for a very long, long time after. Some estrangement too.

And say what? That I want to relive my youth? There’s nothing to “work on.” The relationship has run its course, this is natural.

You are having a midlife crisis and are at the bottom of the U in the happiness curve, but too juvenile and selfish to realize that. So instead you will destroy what could have been great down the road. Enjoy the divorced men out there. The vast majority are seasoned cheaters.

Or maybe the relationship has run its course?That happens. A lot more often then people want to admit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

I like you PP!

I have this kind of marriage too, and plan on getting out after the kids leave. I haven't told DH this yet, but he has 15 years to turn this ship around and give me a reason to stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

Pretty cold and vile to not let him know of your plans. You are actively deceiving him by pretending there is love/infection. It's very low to do that to a person you have given vows and pledged a lifetime to.

He’ll have his freedom too. After he gets over the shock, I’m sure he’ll love it.

You seem mean. But good luck to him and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Men don't just sit around patiently for their platonic room mate's mood to strike. So have you met his girlfriend, or you prefer a DADT arrangement?

Man here, chiming in on this. I am the mirror image of the PP. My wife and I get along, we sometimes cuddle, definitely laugh together, usually on the same page on life goals.

Our sex life is miserable and has been for years despite every effort I can make to rekindle. I am resigned to this at this point and it's clear that if we didn't have kids we would just go our own ways as the relationship has run it's course. But for now, being with my kids day in and day out is worth sacrificing my sex life. It doesn't mean this is forever, or that I wouldn't cheat if the opportunity presented (and they do from time to time).

You will get there, PP. It's not even cheating: there can be no expectation of sexual fidelity in a non-sexual platonic relationship. 10 out of 10 men in these marriages get their sex elsewhere.