Staying together for kids, do you plan for future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 13 when my parents divorced and my brother was 19, and already away at college. It was MUCH harder for him to deal with in the following 10 years, than it was for me. His home life essentially blew up when he wasn't there, and he only occasionally came home to see the mess. It was awkward and uncomfortable for him for way longer than it was for me. Because I got it over with.

This isn't to say it was painless. But there was a certain type of pain of having his childhood home no longer there when he was still very much trying to find his way. He got married 10 years later, and he was very unsure how to treat my father's new wife, because he'd barely spent time with her. Meanwhile, I saw her all the time and had already dealt with some of my discomfort with her presence years earlier.

You don't really get to skip the hard part of divorce. And waiting to do it when your kids don't get to witness it is not a guarantee of smooth sailing. It may be FOR YOU, so you don't have to share custody. But it brings up an entirely new set of emotional issues for your grown children, that you shouldn't ignore if you hope to have a positive relationship with them while they are in the 20s. If you mess it up, you can damage the relationship for their adulthood, which some would argue is the best time of your life.

If you are going to be good co-parents, show your kids how to do that now. Don't wait.

Yes! This is exactly what I wanted to say. Especially during Freshman year at college. When you drop them off that first semester, your 18 year old expects to come to the same room/same family situation at thanksgiving and christmas.

Also, you should generally be on the same page as your spouse. Pretty shitty to realize your husband/wife has been faking your marriage for the past X years, waiting for your kids high school diploma.

This happened to a couple of people in my Freshman dorm. It was NOT pretty--they were very very upset and their grades suffered. They felt like they had no home to go to and they felt guilty b.c clearly their parents had done it for them. They didn't want their parents to be miserable for them and it put it into very clear focus that's what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP--does your spouse know you are only staying for the kids? Is this is a mutual agreement? I imagine no future topics should come up if you are planning a divorce anyway. (Also, your spouse might not be okay "staying for the kids" if you plan to leave later.) If you want our plan to work (stay for the kids and not have your spouse be upset by it), I would not discuss the future at all. I think this attitude is very unfair to your spouse, by the way, if they are not in agreement. You are wasting years of their life.

Well, we have a dead bedroom, sleep in separate rooms and barely speak to each other. So I kind of assume that could be the only reason we're still together. I've tried to discuss amicably divorcing, or how this type of dysfunction could play out over the long run but they're not very communicative.

I feel like even if I want to stay for the kids, how would that work if we can't discuss the future, particularly thinking about things like retirement?

When you get a divorce you get half his retirement and he gets half of yours.

We both agreed not to touch each other’s retirement.

Did you make this agreement while you were still married and "staying together for the kids?" If no, how did you know you could both agree on how to split the retirement? Suppose money burned holes in your spouse's pockets or they decided to invest their retirement account in bitcoin (I'm exaggerating for effect)? Would you have knowingly pursued the same approach?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Men don't just sit around patiently for their platonic room mate's mood to strike. So have you met his girlfriend, or you prefer a DADT arrangement?

Man here, chiming in on this. I am the mirror image of the PP. My wife and I get along, we sometimes cuddle, definitely laugh together, usually on the same page on life goals.

Our sex life is miserable and has been for years despite every effort I can make to rekindle. I am resigned to this at this point and it's clear that if we didn't have kids we would just go our own ways as the relationship has run it's course. But for now, being with my kids day in and day out is worth sacrificing my sex life. It doesn't mean this is forever, or that I wouldn't cheat if the opportunity presented (and they do from time to time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

This is very helpful--I guess I thought only my dh refuses to plan.........for next week, or the next decade. For years, I thought I'd be gone once the kids are settled in college, I still do, and dh seems to have no clue that I really will do it. Unless we suddenly start having a better time together or who knows what. I expect we'd be on good terms, but as it will still likely come as a SHOCK to dh, CRAZY, cuz the whole world except dh will not be surprised when I exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

This is very helpful--I guess I thought only my dh refuses to plan.........for next week, or the next decade. For years, I thought I'd be gone once the kids are settled in college, I still do, and dh seems to have no clue that I really will do it. Unless we suddenly start having a better time together or who knows what. I expect we'd be on good terms, but as it will still likely come as a SHOCK to dh, CRAZY, cuz the whole world except dh will not be surprised when I exit.

Well tell him that directly instead of hatching a secret plan. How is secretly plotting your escape helping your marriage? That time could have been spent trying to revive it.

[Anonymous]

People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

Pretty cold and vile to not let him know of your plans. You are actively deceiving him by pretending there is love/infection. It's very low to do that to a person you have given vows and pledged a lifetime to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

Pretty cold and vile to not let him know of your plans. You are actively deceiving him by pretending there is love/infection. It's very low to do that to a person you have given vows and pledged a lifetime to.

*affection. hopefully, you aren't cheating so there will at least be no infections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

+1 True for the males too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

Who is to say what a good marriage is or not? Only the people in it.

Just because we don’t fight and we get along doesn’t mean we are in love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

THIS

The people in here are very unimaginative if they think no fighting = great marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People get divorced for lots of reasons. Ya’ll act like constant fighting and abuse are the only ones.

My H and I almost never fight. We’re still affectionate. Still have sex once or twice a week. Still friends. We both adore our kids. But I’m not in love with him anymore and we don’t sleep in the same room anymore because he snores. When my kids are grown, I’m leaving this house in the suburbs and I’m going to live it up in the city and enjoy my freedom.

Thankfully women have their own careers and the financial freedom to do this now.

Pretty cold and vile to not let him know of your plans. You are actively deceiving him by pretending there is love/infection. It's very low to do that to a person you have given vows and pledged a lifetime to.

He’ll have his freedom too. After he gets over the shock, I’m sure he’ll love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

+1

I’m sure my husband thinks we are happily married. In a way we are (there is no fighting, no animosity, we’re good friends and good at parenting together, we still have sex once a week). However, I know he’s not what I want for my “second act” when the kids are raised and gone. He talks about retirement and I just kind of shrug at him and say mmhmm. We aren’t going to be together by then.

Like most of my second married friends you'll find out you really do have a good marriage, only after the fact. I would weigh it carefully.

Who is to say what a good marriage is or not? Only the people in it.

Just because we don’t fight and we get along doesn’t mean we are in love.

You're in a different kind of love, probably the one that stays for the long run. The in love is usually lust and will wear off.

You're living in a fantasy - most people would be happy to have the marriage you currently have.