Staying together for kids, do you plan for future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

What if you find out he has a side piece and has a NSA arrangement behind your back? Many marriages like this the wife is blind sided.

I couldn’t care less if he had a “side piece.” As long as he’s not expecting me to watch the kids while he’s out with said “side piece.” What’s an NSA?

[Anonymous]

Would it be terrible to stay together for the kids and tell them you don’t have an ideal marriage but it is good enough to stay for their sake? If you have no resentment about it the honest dialogue might help them process the whole thing and make better relationship choices for themselves .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

What if you find out he has a side piece and has a NSA arrangement behind your back? Many marriages like this the wife is blind sided.

I couldn’t care less if he had a “side piece.” As long as he’s not expecting me to watch the kids while he’s out with said “side piece.” What’s an NSA?

Well, I would wait to see if you feel the same way when you actually are faced with her and the fact he's had her the entire time you thought you were coasting along just fine.

Reality is always much different than what we think it would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

If it is affection-less and sexless too and no time together as part of the "drifiting apart" then you are showing a bad example of what a marriage should be. If you are still acting like a family, sleeping togehter and show affection, then okay, stay married, I guess. But your kids are going to think you lied to them about their childhood when you divorce when they are adults and wonder why you did that.

divorcing when there is no blatant arguing or abuse in the house is also a bad example of what marriage should be.

Wrong. Living separately in the house completely (not doing family things together at all) in one house is worse than a divorce. That is bad for kids to see. Parents should not live separately in a marriage. That is a worse example. If it is unhappy and separate, there is no sense in normalizing that.

I just posted above.

You don’t have to normalize it, you can be honest. And of course it’s not ideal but I do agree it is worse than divorce. Divorce means kids lose the attention of mom and dad to new partners. That is much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

What if you find out he has a side piece and has a NSA arrangement behind your back? Many marriages like this the wife is blind sided.

I couldn’t care less if he had a “side piece.” As long as he’s not expecting me to watch the kids while he’s out with said “side piece.” What’s an NSA?

Props to you PP for "getting" it. Staying together for the kids == he has a side piece. Most other frumpy DCUM sexless wives will squeal in protest, but you PP at least understand the most basic biology of men.
NSA = no strings attached (sex).

[Anonymous]

NP - We split when we became empty nesters and it was not a surprise to our children. We were both good loving parents and we never fought but we just grew apart as a couple over a 22 year period. Our split was amicable as we are now both in healthy and happy relationships. I believe that staying together after our kids had left would have eaten away at us because they were the glue. It was really my ex who raised this issue and he was right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - We split when we became empty nesters and it was not a surprise to our children. We were both good loving parents and we never fought but we just grew apart as a couple over a 22 year period. Our split was amicable as we are now both in healthy and happy relationships. I believe that staying together after our kids had left would have eaten away at us because they were the glue. It was really my ex who raised this issue and he was right.

Most people are over 50 when that happens. What a waste. Who really wants to go into the dating pool at 50-55? It seems it would have been better to cut the cord much earlier, especially as you said your kids weren't surprised anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

Exactly! Very well said. And by the way, for all the people asking, the reason I don’t tell him now is that it *would* cause fighting and emotional turmoil which would upset the kids. Better to keep quiet about it for the next few years and spare them the whole ordeal. They don’t need our drama in their lives.

The one thing is, we don’t sleep together, which I’ve explained to them is because he snores (which they know is true). I’m not willing to sacrifice my sleep to preserve the pretense 100%.

But we’re able to be friendly and at ease in each other’s presence. We still say “I love you” in front of them when saying good bye and goodnight. I don’t think they’d be able to tell.

Give me a break: you could get into counseling to discuss this and work on the marriage. From everything you wrote, both HE AND THE KIDS are going to be blindsided. They are going to question what was real --this happened to my roommate in college and it was more traumatic because there was such an act that her and her siblings couldn't get over what part of their childhood, parents' marriages were actually real, if any of it. It haunted them for a very long, long time after. Some estrangement too.

And say what? That I want to relive my youth? There’s nothing to “work on.” The relationship has run its course, this is natural.

You are having a midlife crisis and are at the bottom of the U in the happiness curve, but too juvenile and selfish to realize that. So instead you will destroy what could have been great down the road. Enjoy the divorced men out there. The vast majority are seasoned cheaters.

NP here but I feel similarly to PP. and I think it’s funny everyone criticizing on this thread think people are leaving to find other relationships. I don’t care if I ever am in a romantic relationship again. I will leave when the kids leave because I want to be free and do whatever I want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm staying together for the kids, but also for me.

The reality is, I want to see the kids every day, I want to see them every holiday, put them to bed at night and cuddle with them in the morning. Missing those moments is not something I'd choose to do. I don't want a "stepmother" I don't know raising my kids for part of the time (a total possibility if you divorce). I also like what a combined income affords us and consider that to be part of making my life content and comfortable.

Our kids see us all enjoying times together. We still laugh at each others jokes when they're funny, and enjoy a hug, cuddle or more when the mood strikes. We're friends and as long as there is peace, it is enough.

I don't know what will happen when the kids leave, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Now, if we were mortal enemies shouting at each other every day that would be a different story, and of course not good for the kids to see. But the idea that that a marriage has to be all or nothing just isn't true.

What if you find out he has a side piece and has a NSA arrangement behind your back? Many marriages like this the wife is blind sided.

I couldn’t care less if he had a “side piece.” As long as he’s not expecting me to watch the kids while he’s out with said “side piece.” What’s an NSA?

Props to you PP for "getting" it. Staying together for the kids == he has a side piece. Most other frumpy DCUM sexless wives will squeal in protest, but you PP at least understand the most basic biology of men.
NSA = no strings attached (sex).

lol

I think she means she's long done with him. Doesn't care if he has a gf or slips on a banana peel.