Staying together for kids, do you plan for future?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

It is perfectly fine to remain in a peaceful platonic room mate marriage. Of course, this does mean acceptance of his going elsewhere for sex (and frankly that's essential to avoiding the animosity/yelling/drifting apart).

I think that sucks. I lived it for 10 years. I got divorced. No point in staying married if I can't have any intimacy with a man. It was not a real marriage. I could care less if he got it elsewhere (he did not) but I was not going without for the rest of my life. I would rather be single and divorced than stay in a sham marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

You must think your kids are unintelligent then. Kids are actually very smart and pick up on this lack of love. And it can effect how they behave in their own relationships down the line. I found that out the hard way, and have heard many many stories in a similar vein. Please ask any kid who grew up like this if they are glad their parents stayed together.

I’m one of those kids. My parents are still together even though they clearly don’t like each other much and never have. My mom especially was always lonely and drank too much to deal with it. My sister and I both divorced and have no intention of ever marrying again.

+1. My parents staying in a bad marriage gave me a terrible example of what being in a marriage should be like. And guess what? I, too, ended up in a bad marriage. But I was smart enough to get out...but it took me many YEARS of wasting time to do it. This "staying for the kids" is crap when it really screws kids up and in some cases, worse than a divorce. A co-parenting divorce can be okay.

[Anonymous]

OP--does your spouse know you are only staying for the kids? Is this is a mutual agreement? I imagine no future topics should come up if you are planning a divorce anyway. (Also, your spouse might not be okay "staying for the kids" if you plan to leave later.) If you want our plan to work (stay for the kids and not have your spouse be upset by it), I would not discuss the future at all. I think this attitude is very unfair to your spouse, by the way, if they are not in agreement. You are wasting years of their life.

[Anonymous]

my STBX always acted surprised when I would talk about *my* retirement plans (not including him). I always found that funny. Like dude, maybe get a hint and stop being such a terrible partner if you want to have joint retirement plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--does your spouse know you are only staying for the kids? Is this is a mutual agreement? I imagine no future topics should come up if you are planning a divorce anyway. (Also, your spouse might not be okay "staying for the kids" if you plan to leave later.) If you want our plan to work (stay for the kids and not have your spouse be upset by it), I would not discuss the future at all. I think this attitude is very unfair to your spouse, by the way, if they are not in agreement. You are wasting years of their life.

Well, we have a dead bedroom, sleep in separate rooms and barely speak to each other. So I kind of assume that could be the only reason we're still together. I've tried to discuss amicably divorcing, or how this type of dysfunction could play out over the long run but they're not very communicative.

I feel like even if I want to stay for the kids, how would that work if we can't discuss the future, particularly thinking about things like retirement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

If it is affection-less and sexless too and no time together as part of the "drifiting apart" then you are showing a bad example of what a marriage should be. If you are still acting like a family, sleeping togehter and show affection, then okay, stay married, I guess. But your kids are going to think you lied to them about their childhood when you divorce when they are adults and wonder why you did that.

divorcing when there is no blatant arguing or abuse in the house is also a bad example of what marriage should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

If it is affection-less and sexless too and no time together as part of the "drifiting apart" then you are showing a bad example of what a marriage should be. If you are still acting like a family, sleeping togehter and show affection, then okay, stay married, I guess. But your kids are going to think you lied to them about their childhood when you divorce when they are adults and wonder why you did that.

divorcing when there is no blatant arguing or abuse in the house is also a bad example of what marriage should be.

I agree, at least it’s not worse than divorcing. I plan in leaving after the kids are out of the house. But I have many reasons, I don’t want to leave the family home which is likely have to do, I think it’s important to have a family unit, we play games together, have movie nights, go on vacation together. We don’t always get along but we can for the sake of the kids. As for them noticing, sure they see us arguing but I think the benefits outweigh divorce. Also to each their own, everyone’s circumstances are different. As for planning for the future, I’m saving for retirement more aggressively as his retirement is more than double mine. I discussed moving near my sister or my bff who are both unmarried for retirement.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of divorces at empty nest time.

Many are blind-sided because they didn't know their spouse was just hanging around waiting for their kids to leave and secretly planning their escape. It's quite tragic to do that to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

If it is affection-less and sexless too and no time together as part of the "drifiting apart" then you are showing a bad example of what a marriage should be. If you are still acting like a family, sleeping togehter and show affection, then okay, stay married, I guess. But your kids are going to think you lied to them about their childhood when you divorce when they are adults and wonder why you did that.

divorcing when there is no blatant arguing or abuse in the house is also a bad example of what marriage should be.

Wrong. Living separately in the house completely (not doing family things together at all) in one house is worse than a divorce. That is bad for kids to see. Parents should not live separately in a marriage. That is a worse example. If it is unhappy and separate, there is no sense in normalizing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

If it is affection-less and sexless too and no time together as part of the "drifiting apart" then you are showing a bad example of what a marriage should be. If you are still acting like a family, sleeping togehter and show affection, then okay, stay married, I guess. But your kids are going to think you lied to them about their childhood when you divorce when they are adults and wonder why you did that.

divorcing when there is no blatant arguing or abuse in the house is also a bad example of what marriage should be.

I agree, at least it’s not worse than divorcing. I plan in leaving after the kids are out of the house. But I have many reasons, I don’t want to leave the family home which is likely have to do, I think it’s important to have a family unit, we play games together, have movie nights, go on vacation together. We don’t always get along but we can for the sake of the kids. As for them noticing, sure they see us arguing but I think the benefits outweigh divorce. Also to each their own, everyone’s circumstances are different. As for planning for the future, I’m saving for retirement more aggressively as his retirement is more than double mine. I discussed moving near my sister or my bff who are both unmarried for retirement.

PP here. We did not have family time just being married. I don't think you understand what a bad marriage is. It does not have to be arguing. It can be a complete absence of any togetherness as a family. In that scenario, which was mine, it is better to divorce and be coparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of divorces at empty nest time.

Many are blind-sided because they didn't know their spouse was just hanging around waiting for their kids to leave and secretly planning their escape. It's quite tragic to do that to someone.

+1 Yes, I think it is really horrible to do that to someone. Planning an exit years in advance is pretty horrible. If you know you will leave, just end it and dont' delay the damage and steal years of another person's life. So wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

It would make no sense to divorce then or plan to divorce. and I say this as someone who says staying for the kids is a bad idea. If you still have intimacy with a husband and family time, then no, you should not divorce. But if it affectionless and empty, then divorce.

Lol, it wouldn’t be up to you because it’s not your decision! People can divorce for whatever reason they want, including just because they want to be alone. It’s not prison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of divorces at empty nest time.

Many are blind-sided because they didn't know their spouse was just hanging around waiting for their kids to leave and secretly planning their escape. It's quite tragic to do that to someone.

+1 Yes, I think it is really horrible to do that to someone. Planning an exit years in advance is pretty horrible. If you know you will leave, just end it and dont' delay the damage and steal years of another person's life. So wrong.

I agree. I think the people that stay until their kids leave for college are particularly awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of divorces at empty nest time.

Many are blind-sided because they didn't know their spouse was just hanging around waiting for their kids to leave and secretly planning their escape. It's quite tragic to do that to someone.

+1 Yes, I think it is really horrible to do that to someone. Planning an exit years in advance is pretty horrible. If you know you will leave, just end it and dont' delay the damage and steal years of another person's life. So wrong.

I agree. I think the people that stay until their kids leave for college are particularly awful.

My DH would disagree. He's grateful his parents stayed together - nothing acrimonious, so he had a pretty normal childhood. It was for a few years, not decades. Both parents have moved on, happy with other partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of divorces at empty nest time.

Many are blind-sided because they didn't know their spouse was just hanging around waiting for their kids to leave and secretly planning their escape. It's quite tragic to do that to someone.

+1 Yes, I think it is really horrible to do that to someone. Planning an exit years in advance is pretty horrible. If you know you will leave, just end it and dont' delay the damage and steal years of another person's life. So wrong.

I agree. I think the people that stay until their kids leave for college are particularly awful.

My DH would disagree. He's grateful his parents stayed together - nothing acrimonious, so he had a pretty normal childhood. It was for a few years, not decades. Both parents have moved on, happy with other partners.

I think this is increasingly common and I have several friends whose parents did this and all is well. My parents are still together and I wish they were not.