Staying together for kids, do you plan for future?

[Anonymous]

If you're one of those who are only staying together "for the sake of the kids" and may consider divorce when the kids are out of the house, how do you discuss the future with your spouse? Do you talk about plans for retirement? Relocating? If you do discuss these things, are you jut going through the motions? If you don't discuss these things, how do you make plans for retirement and the like?

[Anonymous]

My wife discusses these things with sincerity, I sort of laugh it off. I can't imagine staying in a platonic relationship as empty nesters.

[Anonymous]

It is really bad to stay just for the kids. If you know you will divorce, you will just cause more damage later.

I was in a marriage like this—until I realized how stupid it was to waste more years. We never discussed the future (or much of anything else).

[Anonymous]

It’s not better for the kids- period.

[Anonymous]

DH doesnt talk about anything nor plan anything nor even know what time it is or how fast he’s driving.

I just don’t want him to leech on to the kids like all his mental divorced uncles have done to his cousins’ young families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH doesnt talk about anything nor plan anything nor even know what time it is or how fast he’s driving.

I just don’t want him to leech on to the kids like all his mental divorced uncles have done to his cousins’ young families.

Your second sentence makes no sense. What his uncles did have nothing to do with you or him.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesnt talk about anything nor plan anything nor even know what time it is or how fast he’s driving.

I just don’t want him to leech on to the kids like all his mental divorced uncles have done to his cousins’ young families.

Your second sentence makes no sense. What his uncles did have nothing to do with you or him.

It makes sense because they all have the same disorders, get divorced and then try to move in with their newlywed kids by claiming they need someone to be with. One even reparked his car and ran over his 2 yo grandchild that’s how mental and negligent they are. “Accident prone” as they so politely call it (accidents all day long).

So you literally need to protect yourself adult kids from his attempts at codependency and your grandchilds from his idiocy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

It is perfectly fine to remain in a peaceful platonic room mate marriage. Of course, this does mean acceptance of his going elsewhere for sex (and frankly that's essential to avoiding the animosity/yelling/drifting apart).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

You must think your kids are unintelligent then. Kids are actually very smart and pick up on this lack of love. And it can effect how they behave in their own relationships down the line. I found that out the hard way, and have heard many many stories in a similar vein. Please ask any kid who grew up like this if they are glad their parents stayed together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

You must think your kids are unintelligent then. Kids are actually very smart and pick up on this lack of love. And it can effect how they behave in their own relationships down the line. I found that out the hard way, and have heard many many stories in a similar vein. Please ask any kid who grew up like this if they are glad their parents stayed together.

I’m one of those kids. My parents are still together even though they clearly don’t like each other much and never have. My mom especially was always lonely and drank too much to deal with it. My sister and I both divorced and have no intention of ever marrying again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

You must think your kids are unintelligent then. Kids are actually very smart and pick up on this lack of love. And it can effect how they behave in their own relationships down the line. I found that out the hard way, and have heard many many stories in a similar vein. Please ask any kid who grew up like this if they are glad their parents stayed together.

better than anecdotal evidence, look at the actual evidence. This has been studied many times, and the facts are clear: kids do much better if their parents stay together, as long as there is no abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

If it is affection-less and sexless too and no time together as part of the "drifiting apart" then you are showing a bad example of what a marriage should be. If you are still acting like a family, sleeping togehter and show affection, then okay, stay married, I guess. But your kids are going to think you lied to them about their childhood when you divorce when they are adults and wonder why you did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why people say staying together is a bad idea where there is no animosity or yelling and just a drifting apart. I may consider splitting up once kids are out of the house just so we can each find joy for our second act. But I love providing an intact family for my kids. Even if we split, spouse and I will still be on good terms.

I agree. I think for women in particular, there is an ability to see your life in seasons, and you could easily even enjoy the season of your life as a family living together, while also looking forward to a different season where you will be alone. You could create a happy and fulfilling family life with family vacations, togetherness, even sex and intimacy with your partner, but then look forward to independence and solitude after your children are grown.

But women tend to be planners (we are shoved into it young no matter what, so we get good at it). Men are much more likely to just float from one major life event to the next, and thus I think would be much more scared of this idea. They are more likely to become wholly reliant on their partners for all their life planning, and to struggle with a transition to empty nesting and retirement. So I think it would be difficult to get two partners on the same page with this idea. On the other hand, since men don't tend to plan anyway, it would be easy to go through the motions with this kind of partner, as they would likely ask very few questions about your plans after the kids leave.

It would make no sense to divorce then or plan to divorce. and I say this as someone who says staying for the kids is a bad idea. If you still have intimacy with a husband and family time, then no, you should not divorce. But if it affectionless and empty, then divorce.