Reply to Resentful About DH's Schedule- A Vent

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm becoming increasingly resentful of DH's schedule. It's been going on since we first had kids, then he made some schedule adjustments that made it better so that we could have our second child, but now that COVID has continued to drag on, I'm getting resentful again.
He's a first responder so he doesn't fully control his schedule. However, on the days that he is off he picks up extra shifts to have more discretionary funds. For years he also spent several hours a week doing favors for people because he couldn't say no. After several arguments he's gotten better at saying no to people. But now with COVID requiring me to be home all day, everyday with DC #1 who is 6, (#2 goes to daycare), I'm resentful of his freedom and ability to be out of the home all day, run his errands as he pleases before and after work, and also pick up extra shifts. Like many of you, I feel trapped at home, but I resent that he is free to come and go as he pleases.
[b]I'm not sure how this situation can be remedied until COVID dissipates so this is more of a vent, I guess.[/b]
Thanks for reading.[/quote]

You can get a job and hire help anytime you want.[/quote]

I have a full-time job. What gave off the impression that I didn't?[/quote]

You write like you're imprisoned- his freedom, ability to run errands, you're trapped, etc. If you work full-time in your home, why do you not insist he coordinate with you about when he will be home/ as you about extra shifts, so you don't feel trapped? Why are you not communicating about this? And if he won't, why are you accepting it?[/quote]

*ask[/quote]

Because he's a first responder, 60% of his schedule is out of his control. We negotiated the number of extra shifts that he could pick up and capped it at 3 per week and he always maximizes it. We've had discussions about him scaling back, but he's told me that if he scales back, then I have to contribute more to household bills. However, I honestly don't think that's fair because he spends a lot of his money on extra and unnecessary items and I put my extra income in our savings for the home and our DCs. He also will likely revert back to doing errands for friends and family with the "extra" time that he has.[/quote]

Tell him to order groceries online. Or at least for pick-up. It does sound like he is somewhat stressed about finances and the extra purchases are perhaps stress-relievers?

If it's between extra shifts/income and doing constant favors for others, I wouldn't mind him bringing in the extra cash. As someone with a SO who also does this but for people who I feel are taking advantage of him, then I'd rather mine work.

I'm not talking about a day every once in a while or even the occasional weekend-I'm talking about this guy demanding weekends in a row and multiple times a week. He's single because he's jerk. He'll even pull bait-and-switch things like calling at nearly 10p because he is locked out of his house and needs a tool from SO to get in (we live 15min away) and then gets irrationally angry he won't stay and drink around the fire. He always gets angry if I'm around, too, even in my own house during lockdown(!!!) because he wants SO's undivided attention.

None of this is our problem-get a keypad lock if this if going to be a 2x+/wk thing. SO won't drop him totally because they are coworkers. He has just stopped responding much at all, though, which is what I think your SO should do if he won't tell them he already said yes to family time with his family. [/quote]

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