Reply to Oldest son has a lot of animosity towards middle son

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would sit down with the oldest and ask him what's wrong that he harbors so much hate or indifference to both his siblings. And that he has to learn to control his emotions, and not overreact to his brother's presence. Some of it is certainly adolescent hormones, but still... what you describe seems over the top.

Honestly he seems to have an issue, OP. High-functioning autism and ADHD can both present with disproportionate emotional reactions to a close family member. In the short period this young man is still under your roof, I would observe him closely, do your research, and possibly have him evaluated, or at least implement strategies suited to what you think ails him.

The bottom line is that he has to understand he cannot treat people with such scorn and disdain. He has to see his siblings for the humans they are, deserving of respect. Is he embarrassed by them, is he desperate to fit in a particular group, and they're a hindrance? You need to have long conversations with him.

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DH had this in his family - it was sheer jealousy, and DH couldn't do enough for them, so DH gave up trying, which ended up being the best solution of all - for everyone.

DH comes from a big family and two of the kids (and at least one parent) have depression and anger issues, plus they are on the spectrum, plus they have few friends of their own, and have a REALLY hard time meeting people because they are such "introverts"/"nerds"/whatever DCUM people call them. They just don't have social skills, the MIL did them a HUGE life long disservice by not stepping in.

This PP is onto something here.  I know people don't want to discuss it, but this is a real issue that parents need to address, for family's sake. In DH's family, they also had to vie for positive attention (ie: parent not yelling at them and criticizing them), because the vibes in the house were so negative (parents were depressed, and at least one on the spectrum - uber sensitive to noise, yet had ALL those kids??  Really? Who does that?) and that meant cutting the siblings down in front of each other, or not being able to enjoy something (anything?).

Anyway, totally unhealthy and hostile dynamic was set off by the kids' (and parents!) issues not being addressed.  To this day, no one talks about the elephants (plural) in the room, at the ILs' houses. It is all very bizarre, as an outsider, as someone not raised in the house, and the IL's that married in agree.  Don't be them.[/quote]

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