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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I read this thread in tears.

As the only child of a narcissistic, controlling mother, my relationship with her has caused me much pain for my entire adult life. I am married with two daughters. I NEVER wanted to have girls because I was afraid that I wouldn't be healthy enough to parent them. I also thought that I was too broken to parent daughters. I wanted boys so badly. Alas, two girls. I have worked OT to do everything the opposite of my mother. My neighbor (who is a therapist, with three adult daughters) tells me often that I am a phenomenal mother and that my girls have the kind of intimacy at home that will give them the foundation for developing healthy relationships as they get older. She said, "they won't go out into the world seeking validation and others to affirm their self-worth because you and your husband have helped them to develop that for themselves." I cannot tell you how much that meant to me.

It would take me years to sum up my relationship with my mother. It's complex. It doesn't provide a source of peace? I have to mentally prepare for visits. My mother has a great sense of humor. She is hilarious. She is generous. She is fearless. She loves my kids. She is nice to my kids. My kids adore her. My kids don't see what I see; they are teenagers. However, they are beginning to see glimpses of the classic NPD and controlling behaviors when I stand up for myself. We've been discussing her behavior as as a family and the more we do that, the more I realize that I've always been afraid to tell her how I feel because she will cut us out of her life. She didn't speak to me for four years (sixteen years ago) because I told her that her that it wasn't healthy to continue to hold grudges against her sibling for something that happened 40 years prior.

I love my mother dearly. I've just come to realize that she isn't someone that I like very much. I've had to set boundaries.

If I'm being totally honest, it's hard to discuss this with people because, 1) I'm embarrassed, 2) I'm tired of hearing "but that's your mother, accept her for who she is", 3) in Black communities, we've simply glossed over bad parental behavior out of duty and respect for the matriarchy and patriarchy, and 4) the guilt you feel when people say "what happens if she dies"?

This is very hard for me. All of the experiences here have really helped me.[/quote]

HUGS! Oh my gosh. I felt the same way having a daughter! I was so scared![/quote]

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