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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are. [/quote]

What a childish way to look at a serious situation.  Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family.  Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household.  One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike.  The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable.  If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one?  If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening?  Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

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Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat [b]stepchildren[/b] of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes. [/quote]

PP is not talking about step parents treating their stepchildren a certain way.   PP is talking about the step child's OTHER parent being able to give things.

I know someone in this situation, where there are step siblings who live together approx. 50% of the time.   But one of the kids OTHER parent is able to take their child on a lot of fabulous vacations.  [b]It's hard on the step sibling when they each come back from the other parent's house and one kid comes back with stories about skiing in Colorado or a week at Disney World, etc.  and the other kid spent time watching tv on the sofa. [/b][/quote]

Only if you are really very sensitive. Plenty of blended families coexist peacefully and happily. The purpose of this thread is to tell OP to discuss finances and parenting in advance, in order to avoid the main sources of conflict. But minor conflicts are to be expected, and if everyone is reasonable, things will go well.
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Right - unequal treatment of step siblings is something to discuss in advance.  That said, I think people are underestimating kids a little bit.  Most kids understand and don't have a problem with the fact that their step-sibs have a different relationship and do different things with their bio families.  It's really the adults who import this notion of "everything must be the same!! we are all one happy equal familleeee!!!" that can create stress.  In fact, I think preserving the kids individual family structures in a blended family, and not insisting on the "blended" part, is actually very healthy.  As long as the kids are treated equally within the nuclear stepfamily, then it will be ok.  The adults just need to have a modicum of good sense and good will.  For example, not having Jimmy open a million christmas presents from his grandmother right in front of Sally.  [/quote]

Ok....

So Paul has a  daughter named Larla (50% custody) and Mary has a daughterr named Sally, whose dad is not great and only around part of the time.    Paul and Mary get married.

Larla and Sally both want to take gymnastics, but Paul and Mary can't afford it.   Larla's bio mother is able to afford it and signs Larla up for gymnastics.   The classes are several times a week and there are meets and other events every weekend, which means that Larla goes to gymnastics even when it's her dad Paul's time.     You REALLY think Sally isn't going to feel bad when every other weekend she sees her step dad bringing her step sister to gymnastics events (including out of state/overnight meets?) [/quote]

sure she could feel bad, but she’d only really have a problem with it if the adults behaved badly and didn’t work to compensate. kids are hurt by favoritism but  they are smart enough to understand it’s not actually favoritism in this scenario.[/quote]

How would they "compensate" Sally?   If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?[/quote]

you won't get a response, unless someone feels good about explaining to a 9 year old that their sibling is more privileged than they are. What if the situation is magnified- the divorce decree could specify that Larla continue to attend her private school, but the parents can't afford that for Sally, again you're explaining to a kid why their sibling is more fortunate than they are- I'm sure that will inspire sibling love and not resentment [/quote]

but they are not siblings. they are STEP siblings. It is not hard for kids to understand that their step sibling has a separate set of relatives and conditions. this really only becomes an issue if Sally’s mom is the one who is pushing the “unfair treatment” narrative, or if Larla’s dad is unable to invest his time and energy to the shared home life.

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