Does a blended family actually work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.

Hi OP,

I saw lots of negative responses, but it seems to me that many are geared toward the harm that comes from divorce. It seems like that ship has sailed for your children and for your step children. If you want more children and your partner wants more children too, then you should have more. You cannot control whether your kids will be close up their half- and step-siblings. Just try to make sure that you won’t end up divorcing again after another round of kids. Our blended family is not perfect, but very few families are. At least I am modeling a loving and respectful relationship to all of my children (bio and step).

Good luck, OP!

Exactly how do you propose someone make themselves "divorce-proof" especially when they have minor children they are responsible for? You may think you are being a perfect role model but you have no clue what is simmering underneath. No clue whatsoever. Just because you aren't divorced yet doesn't mean it still can't happen. [/i]Wait until some catastrophe happens and YOUR biological child needs special resources which your spouse may balk at. (Think: Teen kid gets into serious trouble, necessitating huge legal bills or rehab costs or raising a child as a result of teen pregnancy.[i]

And why must the stepparent undertake these problems and the financial burden? What’s in it for the stepparent to provide these ridiculous resources? Don’t malign the non-kid spouse just because they would be reluctant to aid troublemaker stepkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally, I just watched a movie, "Elena" this week. It is an interesting film about this very subject - what happens when two people from differing socio-economic backgrounds marry and what happens to their children and grandchildren.

That's not what the Elena movie is about at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally, I just watched a movie, "Elena" this week. It is an interesting film about this very subject - what happens when two people from differing socio-economic backgrounds marry and what happens to their children and grandchildren.

That's not what the Elena movie is about at all.

The wife's son was pretty annoying and I can imagine feeling like the husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you all get along with your step siblings before the marriage? I ask because my kid and my SO’s kid are very close currently and as only children each they often pretend they are siblings and giggle when people think they are.

What a childish way to look at a serious situation. Just because small children enjoy each other's company RIGHT NOW doesn't mean that it will make for a happy family. Those kids will get older and they will notice differences in how they are treated, not just by their bio parent but by extended family.

Let's say there is a budget issue in the household. One kid's extended family buys them a nice bike. The other kid can't get one because there is no child support coming in and it's not affordable. If you are the bio parent of the first kid, do you take the bike away because your SO's kid won't be able to have one? If your kid is the second one, how do you explain that they need to adjust to these kinds of experiences because they will keep happening? Don't you think resentment will build - not just in kids, but in parents?

They committed the crime of theft

Come on now, who actually treats children this way?!?!? If this is how people treat stepchildren of course there will be problems, but for the life of me I don’t understand how parents would let this happen in actuality. Seems like people are looking for worst possible outcomes.

This kind of thing definitely comes up. I had a friend in high school whose grandmother died and left her a diamond ring in her will. Her mother and stepfather confiscated the ring because “your stepbrother doesn’t get a diamond ring” (as if a 17 year old boy wants one). She never saw it again.

[Anonymous]

Read this thread if you are ever tempted to remarry and start a blended family.

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/blended-family-issues/i-hate-my-step-kids-and-i-am-starting-hate-my-husband-80473

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

No, you put both kids in gymnastics and if they cannot go to the sessions as they are with the other parent you see if you can do a make up session or do it during the week when you have the child. You don't say tuff luck.

I'm the pp who created the Larla/Sally gymnastics scenario.

Paul and Mary can't afford gymnastics so "putting both kids in gymnastics" is not an option. Larla is able to do gymnastics because her mom (Paul's ex) is able to afford it.

Regarding Larla not going during Paul's week and doing a "make up session"--it sounds like you've never had a kid in any type of travel/competitive sport. There is no "make up" session. You show up to every practice/meet/competition/game or you're out. Period.

Then, that's life if mom can afford it and Dad, Mom cannot. Or, find cheaper programs.

I do have a child in competitive sports and no its not as you described.

[Anonymous]

When i married my husband i had a 3 year old daughter (Single Mom by Choice) and he brought 2 boys to the marriage, ages 2 and 1. It can work when the kids are so young like this and they grow up together.

I did specify when he finally convinced me to marry him that I would be financially responsible for our daughter and he for our sons. Its a good thing because there is no way I could afford to feed the boys who each grew to be 6'2" and 6'1" (we called him the little guy). They are now 18 and 19 and on the way to becoming semi-professional soccer players. On the other hand our petite daughter is majoring in Violin performance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read this thread if you are ever tempted to remarry and start a blended family.

https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/blended-family-issues/i-hate-my-step-kids-and-i-am-starting-hate-my-husband-80473

Thanks for posting this thread. I’d never been on a step family forum before, so that was eye opening. I think there’s something to be said about the demographics of that forum and DCUM. DCUM posters are, generally speaking, more educated and self aware than the average bear. So hopefully the outcomes are better for us on this and other issues. But that’s probably my wishful thinking talking. I’m divorced with 2 kids, XH took himself completely out of the picture, and I date only single men in an effort to reduce the baggage. But as someone posted on that thread, the potential for the childless guy to become resentful of the demands placed upon him by the divorced significant other and kids is immense, which is a slightly different but related can of worms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

Exactly. You can try to explain your insane coldhearted opinions to them, but they will hate you anyway. It doesn't matter if you still think you are right. Teenagers can make your life hell if they really feel aggrieved.

In this case it would be REALLY hard for a little kid to swallow that their sister gets to do gymnastics or travel soccer or whatever activity they both love and you can’t. This would make every dinner, every activity event hell for everyone involved.

It is stuff like this that destroys families. This is the reason that second marriages with kids almost always end in divorce.

Ok you’re right. if you don’t have the brainpower to figure out how to manage a situation where kids play on different sports teams, then yes, you do not have the good sense to manage a blended family and you should never remarry.

The rest of us can come up with multiple ways to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How would they "compensate" Sally? If you are Mary (Sally's mom) in this situation, how would you handle this?

well to begin with, I would never give Sally the idea that she was being treated unfairly, or that money and things are everything, or that you should spend life fixated on what other people appear to have. By “compensate” I just mean the family would work to find opportunities for Sally to get physical activity and participate in sports (tons of free/cheap things to do), take inexpensive vacations, and develop a positive and fun family atmosphere and traditions.

I’ll say it again - this all has to do with the adults and their values, not the need for stepkids to be treated equally on paper.

So you have no answer.

they have an answer, sitting down a 9 year old and explaining that live isn't fair and that even though she like gymnastics and is better than her sister, she's going to have to spend weekends driving to far flung gyms to watch her sister because life isn't fair. She'll then understand perfectly, go sit down with her copy of Atlas Shrugged and be perfectly content while her sister does her routine.

No, you put both kids in gymnastics and if they cannot go to the sessions as they are with the other parent you see if you can do a make up session or do it during the week when you have the child. You don't say tuff luck.

I'm the pp who created the Larla/Sally gymnastics scenario.

Paul and Mary can't afford gymnastics so "putting both kids in gymnastics" is not an option. Larla is able to do gymnastics because her mom (Paul's ex) is able to afford it.

Regarding Larla not going during Paul's week and doing a "make up session"--it sounds like you've never had a kid in any type of travel/competitive sport. There is no "make up" session. You show up to every practice/meet/competition/game or you're out. Period.

This really just takes the cake. the existence of travel sports means nobody can ethically remarry. Ok!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.

Hi OP,

I saw lots of negative responses, but it seems to me that many are geared toward the harm that comes from divorce. It seems like that ship has sailed for your children and for your step children. If you want more children and your partner wants more children too, then you should have more. You cannot control whether your kids will be close up their half- and step-siblings. Just try to make sure that you won’t end up divorcing again after another round of kids. Our blended family is not perfect, but very few families are. At least I am modeling a loving and respectful relationship to all of my children (bio and step).

Good luck, OP!

Exactly how do you propose someone make themselves "divorce-proof" especially when they have minor children they are responsible for? You may think you are being a perfect role model but you have no clue what is simmering underneath. No clue whatsoever. Just because you aren't divorced yet doesn't mean it still can't happen. [/i]Wait until some catastrophe happens and YOUR biological child needs special resources which your spouse may balk at. (Think: Teen kid gets into serious trouble, necessitating huge legal bills or rehab costs or raising a child as a result of teen pregnancy.[i]

And why must the stepparent undertake these problems and the financial burden? What’s in it for the stepparent to provide these ridiculous resources? Don’t malign the non-kid spouse just because they would be reluctant to aid troublemaker stepkids.

A stepparent who is not willing to help minor step children financially should not get married. correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been seriously seeing someone for 3 years. We each have a child with an ex-spouse, one is 9, one is 4. 9 yo is 50/50, 4 yo is 70/30 (with us). I’d like to get married and have 1-2 more children but I’m struggling with how that will impact the current kids. On one hand, they’re all young and could grow up together part time, but I don’t want them to feel left out of a “traditional family”.

I’d love to hear any experiences (good or bad) with blended families like this.

Hi OP,

I saw lots of negative responses, but it seems to me that many are geared toward the harm that comes from divorce. It seems like that ship has sailed for your children and for your step children. If you want more children and your partner wants more children too, then you should have more. You cannot control whether your kids will be close up their half- and step-siblings. Just try to make sure that you won’t end up divorcing again after another round of kids. Our blended family is not perfect, but very few families are. At least I am modeling a loving and respectful relationship to all of my children (bio and step).

Good luck, OP!

Exactly how do you propose someone make themselves "divorce-proof" especially when they have minor children they are responsible for? You may think you are being a perfect role model but you have no clue what is simmering underneath. No clue whatsoever. Just because you aren't divorced yet doesn't mean it still can't happen. [/i]Wait until some catastrophe happens and YOUR biological child needs special resources which your spouse may balk at. (Think: Teen kid gets into serious trouble, necessitating huge legal bills or rehab costs or raising a child as a result of teen pregnancy.[i]

And why must the stepparent undertake these problems and the financial burden? What’s in it for the stepparent to provide these ridiculous resources? Don’t malign the non-kid spouse just because they would be reluctant to aid troublemaker stepkids.

A stepparent who is not willing to help minor step children financially should not get married. correct.

IMO a stepparent should not pay anything towards raising someone else's kid(s). Ever. That's why it's best to not get married since you will be legally bound with any kind of mess those stepkids can get into. Likewise, if YOUR kid has problems you may find yourself trying to choose between your spouse and your kid. If you go on and have joint children, you've added yet another layer of problem - which kids get resources? What if your joint minor child who is bright and has great potential wants to go to an expensive school but Stepkid 1 needs an attorney because he is facing serious jail time?

Unfortunately, parenthood does not seem to end at the age of majority anymore. Parental responsibility is being pushed for "kids" well into their 20s and even 30s.

Let's say you have your own bio child. You marry someone with 2 bio children. Your bio kid completes education, launches successfully, begins a family and is fine.

Your stepkids have issues though. Stepkid 1 has had drug problems since teen years and as stepparent you've helped foot the bill for rehab twice while they were a minor. Now an adult, Stepkid 1 still has drug problems, has been arrested and needs an attorney. You spouse demands "the best" for his adult kid and wants to hire a high-priced attorney for his adult kid - which means dipping into your retirement account.

Stepkid 2 quit school, spent time partying, then rushed into marriage with a bad boy followed by a quick pregnancy because she had baby fever. Baby Daddy decides parenthood is not for him, doesn't pay support because he is an unemployable drop-out and takes off. Stepkid 2 has an infant to raise and no income with poor career options. Your spouse says he wants to subsidize her rent and other expenses since he knows they can't move in with you. You then discover Stepkid 2 is back out partying all night, baby's needs are being neglected and there is a threat of child protective services being called. Stepkid 2 calls crying, wanting spouse and you to help financially. Your spouse says this is my grandkid and I must do all that I can. This means paying for daily child care in addition to all other expenses until such time as Stepkid 2 can get her act together.

What do you say to all this? Your spouse never, not once, had to pay a penny towards your child at any point. You, however, are being asked to make some serious financial and household concessions for your stepkids - including your retirement plans. Oh, and by the way, both Stepkid 1 and Stepkid 2 have made it obvious that they can't stand you and give you the cold shoulder every time they see you.

On the other hand, what if the situation were reversed and these were YOUR two children? Would you want the same for them? Would you expect your spouse to subsidize your adult kids?

This is not a fake scenario. These two kids were raised in a high-income DC suburb. It can happen anywhere.

These are the kinds of issues people need to discuss when children are involved. I think most people, deep down, would put their bio children ahead of any subsequent spouse. And if they answered this question honestly, then you can see why people should NOT get married again once they've had children. Ever. Even senior citizen couples have problems dealing with adult stepkids and grandkids.

Date. Enjoy each other's company. But always, always, always have an out for you (and your kids) so that you can extricate yourself if need be. You must remain financially independent at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coincidentally, I just watched a movie, "Elena" this week. It is an interesting film about this very subject - what happens when two people from differing socio-economic backgrounds marry and what happens to their children and grandchildren.

That's not what the Elena movie is about at all.

Oh then tell us what it IS about, wise one. You must know more than film critics and audiences.

"Elena is a woman with a proletarian background who meets Vladimir, an elderly business tycoon, in a hospital when she is his nurse. This meeting eventually results in their marriage. Her social position and social rank are substantially increased by the marriage to such a wealthy man.

Elena's son from a previous marriage is poor and wants money from Vladimir to send his 17-year-old son to university, keeping him out of the compulsory military service. Her son and his family live in a crumbling apartment in the industrial suburb. After being approached by Elena, Vladimir makes it clear that he is not going to subsidize Elena's relatives, and informs her that he plans to make amendments to his will, leaving his wealth to his only daughter from an earlier marriage..." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elena_(2011_film)


AND

"The problem with this happy and workable arrangement is that each spouse detests the other's grownup child from a previous marriage. Vladimir's daughter Katya (Elena Lyadova) is a spoilt party animal who sneers at her indulgent dad; Elena's son Sergei (Alexei Rozin) is a feckless waster who keeps producing kids and thinks of his mum's marriage as his meal ticket. Vladimir has not yet written his will, and a crisis ensues." https://www.theguardian.com/film/2012/oct/25/elena-review

AND

"Both have children. Elena's son, Sergei (Alexey Rozin), is a dissolute layabout with an obnoxious son named Sasha (Igor Ogurtsov). He doesn't love Elena and who knows what she feels for him, but she brings them money from Vladimir. Vladimir has a daughter named Katya (Elena Lyadova), who has no purpose in life other than to be supported by her doting father." https://www.rogerebert.com/reviews/elena-2012

[Anonymous]

Financial strains are real, especially since the older first kids (dad's kids) usually get the shaft.

"Oh, sorry your dad can't help with college, he has to take care of his new kids now."

It's not about travel sports. It's about a constraint on time and money. If you both bring kids into the marriage, there is absolutely no reason to add additional kids unless you have college funds saved for existing kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When i married my husband i had a 3 year old daughter (Single Mom by Choice) and he brought 2 boys to the marriage, ages 2 and 1. It can work when the kids are so young like this and they grow up together.

I did specify when he finally convinced me to marry him that I would be financially responsible for our daughter and he for our sons. Its a good thing because there is no way I could afford to feed the boys who each grew to be 6'2" and 6'1" (we called him the little guy). They are now 18 and 19 and on the way to becoming semi-professional soccer players. On the other hand our petite daughter is majoring in Violin performance.

Do you also have an ex and what about your husband? How much do you have custody of the kids with you?