Husband's gender identity and sexuality revelation

[Anonymous]

Assuming he is telling the truth, it's OK. He loves you. Get into therapy if you must to make sure you can be ok with this. But I'd take the opportunity to see what else you can do with your DH to satisfy him (role play, underwear, toys).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bruce Jenner.

Yup. And maybe if your DH transitions, the next year, she can be awarded "Woman of the Year" for doing a better job at being a woman than literally every other biological woman out there! #progress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to give a point of view here. I am a man and started to have sexual feelings for men a couple of years after I met my wife. I am by far way more attracted to women but still find men attractive. Think 80/20 women to men for attraction.

I started to reveal this to my wife about 5 years ago. She was very open and accepting. We started to explore together and we've had "guests" a couple of times. It's a ton of fun for everyone as long as everyone is safe. My wife knows that I have no intention of leaving and am committed as ever to our family with our 2 children. We never did anything unless we were on really strong footing and it definitely has brought us closer as there are no secrets. I am a very loyal guy and have never cheated on any relationship and she knows this.

Just wanted to let you know that there are possible ways forward that are positive and can be beneficial. I know that this doesn't address your trans experience but hope it can be better than the negativity on this board.

This would be a total and complete dealbreaker for me. And while I appreciate the perspective OP in no way should feel that she needs to explore this as an alternative.

I'm the pp. Totally understand that it's not for everyone and had no intention of trying to persuade op. Just thought that there is a lot of negativity and close mindedness so far and that there are some perspectives that can be positive.

It's not close-mindedness. Quit shaming. Just like some people are born homosexual or trans, many others are born heterosexual. It's a spectrum.

Not wanting to watch your husband have gay sex or be in a threesome with him and another man is NOT close-mindness. It is not some people's persuasion. Period.

Hum new PP here. You are the shaming/agressive open? Man above was sharing a very interesting perspective ( i am Not OP but a woman Also wondering About the possibility of my DH being 80/20 and not 100% closeted homosexual instead). He was not pushing for anything, just sharing that it is possible that Op’ s husband is saying the truth, and that he is living proof that men can be bisexual and still be very attracted to their wives. I think that is really worth sharing (thanks for doing so)

[Anonymous]

It's not close-mindedness. Quit shaming. Just like some people are born homosexual or trans, many others are born heterosexual. It's a spectrum.

Not wanting to watch your husband have gay sex or be in a threesome with him and another man is NOT close-mindness. It is not some people's persuasion. Period.




+1. I would divorce. I wouldn’t be able to deal.

[Anonymous]

Cross dressing is a lot more common than people realize and it wouldn't bother me that much. However identity questions and gender and sexual orientation need to get figured out. He needs to know who he is. I would start with therapy for him with someone with expertise in gender / sexuality and once he has a better sense of who he is, you can make more informed decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it was very wrong of him not to disclose any of this prior to marriage. It's one thing if the spouse knew what she was signing up for going into the marriage but an entirely different thing to find out after several years of marriage. Now the spouse has no choice but to be ok with the situation or possibly make the difficult decision to leave, which is especially difficult once kids are involved.

That is a huge assumption to make, that he knew about any of this prior to the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was very wrong of him not to disclose any of this prior to marriage. It's one thing if the spouse knew what she was signing up for going into the marriage but an entirely different thing to find out after several years of marriage. Now the spouse has no choice but to be ok with the situation or possibly make the difficult decision to leave, which is especially difficult once kids are involved.

That is a huge assumption to make, that he knew about any of this prior to the marriage.

He would have known this for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could it be, even remotely possible that he is seeing another woman & bought this underwear for her??

And instead of getting caught >>> he concocted this story as an excuse??

Because I would think you would of had a gut feeling beforehand....

OP here, no the underwear was definitely his and not another woman's. Part of me wonders though if he is really being completely honest regarding his sexuality. He told me is turned on by women way more than men but I have no idea if he is just saying that so I don't worry. He has always had a lower sex drive and I've wondered many times if he is really that sexually turned on by me. Even if I wear something sexy like lingerie, it does not seem to illicit much of a reaction out of him. My fear is that his sexual interests skew more towards men but he's afraid to admit it or doesn't know because he has never experienced it.

He is definitely not straight. It sounds like he might be gay if he's not very interested in you and is forcing it.

I agree that this is going to become a bigger and bigger issue until it's over. Will probably be easier on you and the kids to work out the divorce earlier rather than later.

Straight men are not like this.

I am so, so sorry. I dated a closeted gay man once years ago. Not the same, but still, yes, it happens. It is definitely not the same thing as being trans or bi.

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but out of curiosity how many of you would stay married to your spouse if they revealed they were transgendered but had no desire to transition? If the marriage was otherwise good and there were kids involved would you stay? I’m not sure what I would do in OP’s situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but out of curiosity how many of you would stay married to your spouse if they revealed they were transgendered but had no desire to transition? If the marriage was otherwise good and there were kids involved would you stay? I’m not sure what I would do in OP’s situation.

I wrote a long response to this that somehow disappeared. My browser refreshed. In short, yes Unless he felt like he needed to be single to fully express what he needed. We’d probably have to do the poly thing. And we need a lot of counseling before we could go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not close-mindedness. Quit shaming. Just like some people are born homosexual or trans, many others are born heterosexual. It's a spectrum.

Not wanting to watch your husband have gay sex or be in a threesome with him and another man is NOT close-mindness. It is not some people's persuasion. Period.




+1. I would divorce. I wouldn’t be able to deal.

+1 definitely would divorce. Not sure if he knows if he’s gay or is t willing to tell you. The fact that he has a low libido could be something he’s hiding behind (perhaps not knowingly). So many uncertainties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I’v gotten older I think sexuality is far more fluid than we used to believe. If your husband treats you well, if you have a family together, would take some time before reacting or making decisions. He’s been this way for a long time, you just didn’t know. The fact he trusted you enough to be honest and vulnerable with you now should be honored. Therapy together and individually is a good idea to explore the situation further. I know of women in similar situation who have been able to accept it and keep a good marriage intact.

+1
Married 17 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but out of curiosity how many of you would stay married to your spouse if they revealed they were transgendered but had no desire to transition? If the marriage was otherwise good and there were kids involved would you stay? I’m not sure what I would do in OP’s situation.

If everything else was good, I have no problem with exploring kinks or opening the marriage. But transitioning is a dealbreaker for me. As a straight woman, I'm attracted to men. Someone who no longer has a male form would not work for me sexually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but out of curiosity how many of you would stay married to your spouse if they revealed they were transgendered but had no desire to transition? If the marriage was otherwise good and there were kids involved would you stay? I’m not sure what I would do in OP’s situation.

I could work it out as long as we still had a good sex life or we could open the marriage so I could find someone to have sex with

[Anonymous]

Too creepy for me. It would be a major turnoff. I am into masculine men.