Husband's gender identity and sexuality revelation
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Anonymous
| I was recently organizing my closet and discovered a bag of women's underwear hidden near my husband's things that was not mine. When I confronted my husband about it he admitted the underwear was his. He then proceeded to lay this bombshell on me. He said he has always felt confused regarding his gender. Part of him feels like a woman and wearing women's underwear is a way for him to express that side of him. He told me he has no desire to transition to a woman now but he did have thoughts about it when he was younger but never would have actually gone through with it. To make the situation even more complicated, he said he is sexually attracted to both men and women but has never explored anything with a man before. His attraction leans more towards females but the idea of being with a guy sexually turns him on. He assured me he is very much in love with me and satisfied in the marriage and has no desire to act on anything. I don't know what to think and I've been in a state of shock ever since. I am grateful that he was at least honest with me but part of me is angry that he did not reveal any of this while we were dating or during our 8 years of marriage. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends about this so I'm posting it here. WWYD? |
Anonymous
| I would pose this question to Dear Prudence. And get yourself into therapy. It may be just that he has these interests and isn't looking to act on it, but that could change. I would talk this through in therapy alone and together with him. |
Anonymous
|
I am in a similar situation, except mine has acted on some of his sexual desires.
Initially I asked a lot of questions, and we talked about it a lot. At first, he was like “that’s none of your business and I don’t want to talk about it”, and maybe it’s not, but he really wanted to stay together (so did I), and in order for that to happen, I really needed to get everything out on the table. Sometimes I still have questions, and he answers them, but it’s not a regular conversation or anything. We agreed on open communication about sexual needs and wants. We love each other and want to remain monogamous, but if that changes, we agree that we will discuss it first. |
Anonymous
| As I’v gotten older I think sexuality is far more fluid than we used to believe. If your husband treats you well, if you have a family together, would take some time before reacting or making decisions. He’s been this way for a long time, you just didn’t know. The fact he trusted you enough to be honest and vulnerable with you now should be honored. Therapy together and individually is a good idea to explore the situation further. I know of women in similar situation who have been able to accept it and keep a good marriage intact. |
Anonymous
| Does he like to watch as you boink the pool boy? |
Anonymous
| Does he watch a lot of porn? |
Anonymous
| I don't have any advice. If I were in your place I would strongly consider divorce. He's confused and his desire to be with a man might get stronger down the line. Start therapy, at least. How have you never noticed the women's underwear, when is he washing it? |
Anonymous
What are the chances OP?! Pretty low you’d end up with a gender confused spouse who is bisexual. The chances of this being a troll post are infinitely higher, especially in this ever so enlightened age. |
Anonymous
So woke! |
Anonymous
| I just don’t think I could stay with him after learning something like this. |
Anonymous
| File under, “would be hilarious if it were happening to someone else”... |
Anonymous
| I think that this really needs a trained therapist to deal with. Couples and on your own for each of you. |
Anonymous
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It's his fetish... if he's always been loyal, he'll still be loyal. I wouldn't worry about that... nothing has really changed.
Except that you now know about his fetish. Which can be a lot of fun -- unless it really turns you off (does it?). If you both dress up in lingerie and keep in the bedroom, doesn't hurt anyone else does it? I'll bet it turns up the kinkiness meter to 11, and things will be better than ever in the sack. To satisfy the "attracted to men also" thing... there is pegging (I'll leave that as an exercise for the student) which can fulfill him. |
Anonymous
| This situation is made for couples counseling. I bet you two can get through this, but a trained professional with experience in stuff like this would be really helpful. I've heard good things about the Straight Spouses Network. |
Anonymous
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My big issue would be the secrecy. He SAYS he has this whole side of his identity and sexuality that doesn’t really impact anything day-to-day because he’s not interested in transitioning and he has been and plans to be monogamous. But he is only telling you any of this because he got caught. So obviously keeping this a secret is more important than having an open and trusting relationship. That is a choice he has already demonstrably made. So who knows how far this goes or how honest he is really being now.
1) Get yourself tested for STDs 2) Insist on using condoms 3) Individual therapy 4) Couple’s therapy |