Husband's gender identity and sexuality revelation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I’m not a troll and unfortunately this is my reality. To answer one of the previous questions, he said he wears the underwear while he’s at work but changes once he’s home so I don’t notice. I work occasional night shifts so he washes everything while I’m gone. We do have two younger children and he is a wonderful father to them. It’s one thing to break up if we were just dating but we have built a life and family together now. Honestly if he was upfront with me about this while we were dating I don’t think I would have married him.

UMMMM..... The URNIALS IN HIS OFFICE?!?!!! Don't the other men see his lacy female underwear??

Haven’t used many urinals, have you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How large is the underwear? Maybe this guy is an amazing liar and the underwear is his female affair partner's.

+1
don't just buy his story. he's a liar so you don't know how big the lie is or if he's still lying

[Anonymous]

Wow if the genders were reversed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if things just continue as they are... he wear panties in the day underneath, and no one else was the wiser.
OP, are you cool with that?

OP here, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.... if I could learn to accept the underwear thing as long as everything else stays the same. He’s made it clear he’s happy who he is now and has no desire to ever transition. I would be out the door if he wanted to transition. There’s no way I could stay in the marriage if that was the case. The thought of him wearing women’s underwear completely turns me off though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everybody here is a liberal until it actually impacts them

I’m traditional in my OWN marriage.

I don’t care what anyone else does in theirs. That’s where I’m liberal.

I married a heterosexual man, if he turned out not to be—yeah—game over for me.

I could not be attracted to a man wearing women‘s clothes of any sort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if things just continue as they are... he wear panties in the day underneath, and no one else was the wiser.
OP, are you cool with that?

OP here, that’s what I’m trying to figure out.... if I could learn to accept the underwear thing as long as everything else stays the same. He’s made it clear he’s happy who he is now and has no desire to ever transition. I would be out the door if he wanted to transition. There’s no way I could stay in the marriage if that was the case. The thought of him wearing women’s underwear completely turns me off though.

I would think then you roll with it for a while.
See how things shake out.

If you find in unbearable, you can always leave later. But, maybe if you give him a little rope, things get even better.
I think it is awesome that you haven't jumped to kick him out like some others are saying they would.
In the larger scheme of things, this is rather tame... better than you finding out he cheated or was a substance abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everybody here is a liberal until it actually impacts them

I’m traditional in my OWN marriage.

I don’t care what anyone else does in theirs. That’s where I’m liberal.

I married a heterosexual man, if he turned out not to be—yeah—game over for me.

I could not be attracted to a man wearing women‘s clothes of any sort.

What about a speedo? That is practically the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wouldnt be for me. I'm certainly woke enough, I just want my own bedroom to be one really manly man and then me. (female) Im traditional.

This is what makes it hard for trans people to date. Transphobia

[Anonymous]

One of my worst nightmares, OP. My ex fiancé came out about a year after I broke things off and has only been with men since (20ish years). I would be concerned about the secrecy. How long has the underwear thing been going on. The fact that he only told you when you found it will make trust very difficult moving forward. For me, that broken trust is a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldnt be for me. I'm certainly woke enough, I just want my own bedroom to be one really manly man and then me. (female) Im traditional.

This is what makes it hard for trans people to date. Transphobia

How is this transphobia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my worst nightmares, OP. My ex fiancé came out about a year after I broke things off and has only been with men since (20ish years). I would be concerned about the secrecy. How long has the underwear thing been going on. The fact that he only told you when you found it will make trust very difficult moving forward. For me, that broken trust is a dealbreaker.

I guarantee the underwear thing has been going on since he was 13... stole some of his sister or mom's stuff. Not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldnt be for me. I'm certainly woke enough, I just want my own bedroom to be one really manly man and then me. (female) Im traditional.

This is what makes it hard for trans people to date. Transphobia

This is not what makes it hard for trans people to date. There are lots of reasons —this one is probably not even in the top 10. There is nothing wrong with having a sexual preference for a certain type. That’s not ‘transphobia’ that’s called sexual preference and those who prefer traditional in their own bedroom should be respected as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It wouldnt be for me. I'm certainly woke enough, I just want my own bedroom to be one really manly man and then me. (female) Im traditional.

This is what makes it hard for trans people to date. Transphobia

This is not what makes it hard for trans people to date. There are lots of reasons —this one is probably not even in the top 10. There is nothing wrong with having a sexual preference for a certain type. That’s not ‘transphobia’ that’s called sexual preference and those who prefer traditional in their own bedroom should be respected as well.

Agreed. I am so tired of people trying to say that it's transphobia.

OP I would leave. Sooner or later your DH will decide he is tired of living a lie. Get out before you get any older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was recently organizing my closet and discovered a bag of women's underwear hidden near my husband's things that was not mine. When I confronted my husband about it he admitted the underwear was his. He then proceeded to lay this bombshell on me. He said he has always felt confused regarding his gender. Part of him feels like a woman and wearing women's underwear is a way for him to express that side of him. He told me he has no desire to transition to a woman now but he did have thoughts about it when he was younger but never would have actually gone through with it. To make the situation even more complicated, he said he is sexually attracted to both men and women but has never explored anything with a man before. His attraction leans more towards females but the idea of being with a guy sexually turns him on. He assured me he is very much in love with me and satisfied in the marriage and has no desire to act on anything. I don't know what to think and I've been in a state of shock ever since. I am grateful that he was at least honest with me but part of me is angry that he did not reveal any of this while we were dating or during our 8 years of marriage. I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends about this so I'm posting it here. WWYD?

Honestly, I would most likely divorce unless we were already in a roommate type marriage and for some reason that suited me.

And it's not really a moral judgement, it's just that I don't think marriage vows cover this. Cross-dressing in the house would be one thing. Working through someone else's sexual confusion, just no. Better to separate and remain cordial than him to decide he wants to be with a guy in another 5 years as he "explores." And if you have kids I actually think an amicable divorce may be the kindest thing.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something similar happened to a very good friend of mine about 10 years ago. Except after he good my friend, a few months later he announced he wanted to transition. So he became she, operations and all. The couple went to serious counseling and my friend decided to stay with her partner and stay married for her children (who also went into therapy). I was pretty shocked, for many reasons, especially if her husband was going to go completely through with transitioning (which he did), would he be tempted to have the full female experience and have sex with a man (which would mean going outside the marriage). My friend drew the line there and said if she stays the marriage stays monogamous, and so far (as far as she knows) it has. But I wouldn’t be surprised if that changes. It’s been insanely stressful on my friend and her kids.

That sounds kind of unfair to both of them. Does your friend like having sex with women now? Or does it just mean it's an entirely sexless marriage?

Well that’s not for me to ask or is it for me to decide whether it’s unfair. It’s not my circus or my monkey, I just am there to support my friend.