Disgusted by friend’s cheapness/values/food situation

[Anonymous]

+1 I used to volunteer at a charity thrift store and the thrift store model is actually built on people (mostly UMC in our area) donating stuff and then the same demographic coming in and spending on their neighbors' items and getting excited about the bargain. It all worked out because the money we generated went to really good causes. The charities we supported didn't need Wedgwood china or Lilly Pulitzer skirts, they needed cash which we were able to raise by selling those items to UMC shoppers.

There's a difference between a Junior Leaguer type store located in a UMC area with lots of higher priced items and a thrift store located in a mixed or lower income area. The charity or junior league shop located in area that few low income people travel into carrying Lily Pulitzer and Wedgewood china is more of a business model to just raise funds for donation. Plus no self respecting poor person would be caught dead in Lily Pulitizer. Even though these items are priced super cheap from the perspective of the UMC shopper, they are usually still splurge prices to someone who is lower income.

In the thirst stores that do serve lower income customers I think it sucks when the UMC SUV pulls up and clears out all the nicer warm coats, designer jeans, good hoodies, popular teams t-shirts and jerseys and things that lower income customers -especially those with kids and teens would want but can't afford.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1 I used to volunteer at a charity thrift store and the thrift store model is actually built on people (mostly UMC in our area) donating stuff and then the same demographic coming in and spending on their neighbors' items and getting excited about the bargain. It all worked out because the money we generated went to really good causes. The charities we supported didn't need Wedgwood china or Lilly Pulitzer skirts, they needed cash which we were able to raise by selling those items to UMC shoppers.

There's a difference between a Junior Leaguer type store located in a UMC area with lots of higher priced items and a thrift store located in a mixed or lower income area. The charity or junior league shop located in area that few low income people travel into carrying Lily Pulitzer and Wedgewood china is more of a business model to just raise funds for donation. Plus no self respecting poor person would be caught dead in Lily Pulitizer. Even though these items are priced super cheap from the perspective of the UMC shopper, they are usually still splurge prices to someone who is lower income.

In the thirst stores that do serve lower income customers I think it sucks when the UMC SUV pulls up and clears out all the nicer warm coats, designer jeans, good hoodies, popular teams t-shirts and jerseys and things that lower income customers -especially those with kids and teens would want but can't afford.

Actually the Salvation Army model is to take donations and sell them to give the money to people who need it.

Anyway, this is a troll thread, meant to make the school lunch program look like a scam. Screw you, OP.

#FeedTheChildren

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

Agree with this part, but not about the free food. That's just tacky, low class, and a bit dishonest. Those free meals are meant for struggling families.

I grew up lower income, but I'm upper/middle income now. I don't mind used clothing. I used to shop at consignment stores all the time even when I was making six figures. But, the food stuff turns me off, and it speaks to a person's dishonesty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is my very close friend and she has many good qualities.
She and her DH make combined about 280k in very secure jobs.
Every time I’ve been to their house they’ve had food around that her husband picked up from a church that was giving away food.
I’ve always had some discomfort with the fact that they’ve been picking up this food, and clothes too, when it is clearly meant for people who are needy, but kind of let it go as they are just kind of quirky people, I guess.
They have also been picking up school “grab n go” meals for the last several months since it was announced that the meals would be made available to whoever wanted them.
I do know that the husband is ALWAYS extremely cheap and controlling about everything and wants to become rich.
I went on a trip with this friend recently, with all of our kids.
She had packed a bunch of this free food, of course. Her kids eat about twice what mine do and it is mostly junk and carbs. Incidentally, one of her kids is overweight and another has major behavior issues and I hardly think that a steady diet of cheap bread and lucky charms is helping him, but whatever.
It was a two day trip and though we did pack most of our meals, she agreed to splurge and have breakfast out on the last day.
The breakfast served was what I perceived to be modest, normal portions without waste but my friend thought “they hardly fed us!” She wanted them to bring out more even though the kids said they were full.
I think my friend has food issues as I’ve observed on many occasions. She’s not able to eyeball portions sizes. When invited to our home, she spooned half! Of all the mashed potatoes into 1 of her kids plates.

I know someone will tell my to MYOB, but I am disgusted with the whole thing.
Particularly the picking up all the “free food” which is not intended for them, mostly junk, and then doling it out constantly.
I don’t know why this bothers me so much but it does. My family makes less money than they do, but we pay for and perhaps therefore place a higher value on the food we consume. We also go to restaurants some times (pre Covid) and my kids know how to behave in a restaurant and have happily eaten cuisines from all over the world.
It disgusts me that this is one of the ways they save money when they already have plenty.
And it grosses me out when I see this stuff constantly doled out on her kids.
Vent over.

I think the older you get the more stuff like this defines who your friends are.

When I was in my 20's I could deal with the cheap guy on the bachelor party, or out to eat who refuses to split a bill because he only had one beer.

As I get older I've come to value my free time / vacations more and won't deal with other people's crap if it is going to negatively affect my enjoyment.

Last year I went to a bachelor party where everyone there was almost 40 and does well. No issues the entire weekend except for one guy we went to high school with who threw a fit over every split bill, who refused to stay in the same hotel as us because he could't use points, etc. One example - We split a bar tab at the pool on my room, it was like $100 each. He said he was counting his beers and would only pay $80.

Long story short, none of us talk to him anymore and we are all better off for it.

[Anonymous]

Some folks are intrinsically stingy. What's theirs is theirs and what's others should be theirs. Might be a little arrogance thrown in, or as you noted, lack of self-awareness. Upbringing might explain it. Or maybe it's a basic personality trait.

The food portions and food quality? That's education. She might also just be tired and stressed.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it was mentioned already but it bothers me how much cheap junk the “free food” has. Ex and I are both unemployed so I pick up free food. Fruit and veggies are great, eggs and milk ok, the rest is hit or miss, mostly miss.

[Anonymous]

Does the friend have a past of food insecurity (not having enough to eat)? The food portion issues make it seem like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does the friend have a past of food insecurity (not having enough to eat)? The food portion issues make it seem like that.

This☝🏿
My mom had the same behavior with three freezers of food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you there accountant? Then no, you don’t know

And this makes you mad because you feel you make less and buy food and then you don’t have as nice of material stuff as they do
You are mad that they are willing to do something you aren’t and they end up in what you perceive as a better financial situation as you and it’s not fair bc in your mind you are clearly taking the moral high road and should be rewarded but they are being rewarded ...

So accept that what they are doing is not wrong from a rule perspective - there are no barriers in place to get the free lunches or free food
You don’t want to get a free lunch bc you fear someone will see you and think you are poor and to you that is likely worse than being poor
But you do in fact have the same options as your friend and you are making a choice that you are comfortable with not accepting the food

As for them eating junk food and the kids being fat, you threw that in to make the story more entertaining

+1. OP, you can't be certain that you know everything abut their entire financial picture. Even if they're not struggling, they clearly have anxiety about money.

AND IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE TO LIMIT YOUR FRIEND'S CHILDREN'S FOOD CONSUMPTION!!!!! Holy overstep, Batman! You know how they eat and should have offered enough food. If half the mashed potatoes fit on the child's plate, then you didn't make enough.

I think that you should fade away because you're not a good friend. Don't stick around looking down on her and pressuring her to divorce her husband and monitoring her parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work for a food and clothing charity. There are always a few outliers who come to depend upon us even though they aren’t clearly in need. Yes, there’s often mental illness at play. Sometimes, we can drop clients if merited.

Don't do this. You have no idea what someone's entire current financial situation is. Any decent charity would rather be more inclusive and risk occasionally being taken advantage of than try to police it too strictly and possibly turn away someone in need.

[Anonymous]

You are a sad little turd. Don’t be friends with people you don’t respect.

You need a stamp of validation from some assholes online? Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1 I used to volunteer at a charity thrift store and the thrift store model is actually built on people (mostly UMC in our area) donating stuff and then the same demographic coming in and spending on their neighbors' items and getting excited about the bargain. It all worked out because the money we generated went to really good causes. The charities we supported didn't need Wedgwood china or Lilly Pulitzer skirts, they needed cash which we were able to raise by selling those items to UMC shoppers.

There's a difference between a Junior Leaguer type store located in a UMC area with lots of higher priced items and a thrift store located in a mixed or lower income area. The charity or junior league shop located in area that few low income people travel into carrying Lily Pulitzer and Wedgewood china is more of a business model to just raise funds for donation. Plus no self respecting poor person would be caught dead in Lily Pulitizer. Even though these items are priced super cheap from the perspective of the UMC shopper, they are usually still splurge prices to someone who is lower income.

In the thirst stores that do serve lower income customers I think it sucks when the UMC SUV pulls up and clears out all the nicer warm coats, designer jeans, good hoodies, popular teams t-shirts and jerseys and things that lower income customers -especially those with kids and teens would want but can't afford.

No, the Salvation Army's model is the same as the Junior Leaguer model. They want to sell items for a healthy price so they have money to fund their chosen mission programs which are soup kitchens, disaster relief, and their job training and rehab programs.

Their mission isn't to clothe lower income customers in trendy gear for cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

HA I had a really big argument with a friend about this once. There is absolutely something wrong with a rich person buying up everything at goodwill.

It's okay to buy stuff at Goodwill. That's how they make money and how they train folks for jobs. What's not cool is taking free food meant for people who don't have enough for themselves.

Exactly and OP said as much. Why all the haters?

OP I agree with you. Too many hungry people in the US who really need the free/reduced food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is okay to not be friends anymore. These are not things you can change. Either you ignore these behaviors or move on. I definitely would not vacation with them. Seems like it would be hard to ignore their cheapness while traveling.[/quote
This.

I’d be worried if she has totally changed under the regime of her husband. And why if he’s so strict or this money food thing is such a game, they don’t have better disciplined kids.

Lay off the hanging out, unless you are happy with it.

[Anonymous]

Just leave her alone. She’s struggling and you aren’t helping.