Disgusted by friend’s cheapness/values/food situation

[Anonymous]

The “we value food choices more because we pay for them” thinking is icky to me. Plenty of people use SNAP to buy healthy food because they value nutrition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a few things that are weird here. Why do you know what their household income is? Why do you think are SO open about picking up free lunches etc? BTW, buying clothes from Goodwill type places doesn’t bother me.

They are feds at same agency, duh. It’s not buying at Goodwill that is the problem. They are getting bags of free stuff from church. Read before posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The “we value food choices more because we pay for them” thinking is icky to me. Plenty of people use SNAP to buy healthy food because they value nutrition.

OP here, and I agree that people on SNAP probably do value their food choices a lot more because they need to plan with limited resources.
Not at all like my friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you there accountant? Then no, you don’t know

And this makes you mad because you feel you make less and buy food and then you don’t have as nice of material stuff as they do
You are mad that they are willing to do something you aren’t and they end up in what you perceive as a better financial situation as you and it’s not fair bc in your mind you are clearly taking the moral high road and should be rewarded but they are being rewarded ...

So accept that what they are doing is not wrong from a rule perspective - there are no barriers in place to get the free lunches or free food
You don’t want to get a free lunch bc you fear someone will see you and think you are poor and to you that is likely worse than being poor
But you do in fact have the same options as your friend and you are making a choice that you are comfortable with not accepting the food

As for them eating junk food and the kids being fat, you threw that in to make the story more entertaining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you there accountant? Then no, you don’t know

And this makes you mad because you feel you make less and buy food and then you don’t have as nice of material stuff as they do
You are mad that they are willing to do something you aren’t and they end up in what you perceive as a better financial situation as you and it’s not fair bc in your mind you are clearly taking the moral high road and should be rewarded but they are being rewarded ...

So accept that what they are doing is not wrong from a rule perspective - there are no barriers in place to get the free lunches or free food
You don’t want to get a free lunch bc you fear someone will see you and think you are poor and to you that is likely worse than being poor
But you do in fact have the same options as your friend and you are making a choice that you are comfortable with not accepting the food

As for them eating junk food and the kids being fat, you threw that in to make the story more entertaining

Dude, trust me on this. They are more than fine, financially. Her husband is crazy and this is one of many “quirks” they have.
Obviously they are not breaking any laws or rules, but this thread is not about that. I wanted to gauge how others would feel in this situation as far as a friendship goes. Sounds like you’d be cool with the situation. Good for you.

I’m not jealous of their material situation. My house is more sparse but it’s better than having piles and bags of crap everywhere.
Would I like to have more in my savings account? Of course, who wouldn’t. But it is hard to argue that grabbing “free” food during these times is an ethical way to achieve that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you there accountant? Then no, you don’t know

And this makes you mad because you feel you make less and buy food and then you don’t have as nice of material stuff as they do
You are mad that they are willing to do something you aren’t and they end up in what you perceive as a better financial situation as you and it’s not fair bc in your mind you are clearly taking the moral high road and should be rewarded but they are being rewarded ...

So accept that what they are doing is not wrong from a rule perspective - there are no barriers in place to get the free lunches or free food
You don’t want to get a free lunch bc you fear someone will see you and think you are poor and to you that is likely worse than being poor
But you do in fact have the same options as your friend and you are making a choice that you are comfortable with not accepting the food

As for them eating junk food and the kids being fat, you threw that in to make the story more entertaining

You are silly. Do you think being mistaken as poor is more embarrassing than being actually well off but in that line so you can squeeze out more savings with your 280HHI?

[Anonymous]

FYI. I have been volunteering at a church that gives out groceries. We always have extra, so we give to whoever comes no questions asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

This. It also sounds like your friend and her DH maybe grew up poor. When you come from poverty, it can be a hard mindset to change.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is my very close friend and she has many good qualities.
She and her DH make combined about 280k in very secure jobs.
Every time I’ve been to their house they’ve had food around that her husband picked up from a church that was giving away food.
I’ve always had some discomfort with the fact that they’ve been picking up this food, and clothes too, when it is clearly meant for people who are needy, but kind of let it go as they are just kind of quirky people, I guess.
They have also been picking up school “grab n go” meals for the last several months since it was announced that the meals would be made available to whoever wanted them.
I do know that the husband is ALWAYS extremely cheap and controlling about everything and wants to become rich.
I went on a trip with this friend recently, with all of our kids.
She had packed a bunch of this free food, of course. Her kids eat about twice what mine do and it is mostly junk and carbs. Incidentally, one of her kids is overweight and another has major behavior issues and I hardly think that a steady diet of cheap bread and lucky charms is helping him, but whatever.
It was a two day trip and though we did pack most of our meals, she agreed to splurge and have breakfast out on the last day.
The breakfast served was what I perceived to be modest, normal portions without waste but my friend thought “they hardly fed us!” She wanted them to bring out more even though the kids said they were full.
I think my friend has food issues as I’ve observed on many occasions. She’s not able to eyeball portions sizes. When invited to our home, she spooned half! Of all the mashed potatoes into 1 of her kids plates.

I know someone will tell my to MYOB, but I am disgusted with the whole thing.
Particularly the picking up all the “free food” which is not intended for them, mostly junk, and then doling it out constantly.
I don’t know why this bothers me so much but it does. My family makes less money than they do, but we pay for and perhaps therefore place a higher value on the food we consume. We also go to restaurants some times (pre Covid) and my kids know how to behave in a restaurant and have happily eaten cuisines from all over the world.
It disgusts me that this is one of the ways they save money when they already have plenty.
And it grosses me out when I see this stuff constantly doled out on her kids.
Vent over.

How on earth do you know this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you there accountant? Then no, you don’t know

And this makes you mad because you feel you make less and buy food and then you don’t have as nice of material stuff as they do
You are mad that they are willing to do something you aren’t and they end up in what you perceive as a better financial situation as you and it’s not fair bc in your mind you are clearly taking the moral high road and should be rewarded but they are being rewarded ...

So accept that what they are doing is not wrong from a rule perspective - there are no barriers in place to get the free lunches or free food
You don’t want to get a free lunch bc you fear someone will see you and think you are poor and to you that is likely worse than being poor
But you do in fact have the same options as your friend and you are making a choice that you are comfortable with not accepting the food

As for them eating junk food and the kids being fat, you threw that in to make the story more entertaining

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is my very close friend and she has many good qualities.
She and her DH make combined about 280k in very secure jobs.
Every time I’ve been to their house they’ve had food around that her husband picked up from a church that was giving away food.
I’ve always had some discomfort with the fact that they’ve been picking up this food, and clothes too, when it is clearly meant for people who are needy, but kind of let it go as they are just kind of quirky people, I guess.
They have also been picking up school “grab n go” meals for the last several months since it was announced that the meals would be made available to whoever wanted them.
I do know that the husband is ALWAYS extremely cheap and controlling about everything and wants to become rich.
I went on a trip with this friend recently, with all of our kids.
She had packed a bunch of this free food, of course. Her kids eat about twice what mine do and it is mostly junk and carbs. Incidentally, one of her kids is overweight and another has major behavior issues and I hardly think that a steady diet of cheap bread and lucky charms is helping him, but whatever.
It was a two day trip and though we did pack most of our meals, she agreed to splurge and have breakfast out on the last day.
The breakfast served was what I perceived to be modest, normal portions without waste but my friend thought “they hardly fed us!” She wanted them to bring out more even though the kids said they were full.
I think my friend has food issues as I’ve observed on many occasions. She’s not able to eyeball portions sizes. When invited to our home, she spooned half! Of all the mashed potatoes into 1 of her kids plates.

I know someone will tell my to MYOB, but I am disgusted with the whole thing.
Particularly the picking up all the “free food” which is not intended for them, mostly junk, and then doling it out constantly.
I don’t know why this bothers me so much but it does. My family makes less money than they do, but we pay for and perhaps therefore place a higher value on the food we consume. We also go to restaurants some times (pre Covid) and my kids know how to behave in a restaurant and have happily eaten cuisines from all over the world.
It disgusts me that this is one of the ways they save money when they already have plenty.
And it grosses me out when I see this stuff constantly doled out on her kids.
Vent over.

How on earth do you know this?

Same Fed agency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you her financial advisor? Her accountant? Because unless you are intricately involved with their finances, you have no idea.

Nope, I do know. I know where she and DH work and exactly what they make. They do not have student loans or poor relatives or anything else. She shares pretty much everything with me. I do know what her husband can be an absolute prick and he is really controlling about finances and has no self awareness that would show him how crazy this whole thing is. I think she has Stockholm syndrome.

Are you in charge of writing their pay checks? If not you don't know. You think you know. You only know what she tells you, and what she tells you could be to impress you.


If her husband is controlling, about finances then perhaps you should be a little more understanding to your friend instead of trying to get her dragged on the internet.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like a terrible person.

So much nastiness for a person who she admits helped her during a very tough time, and whose husband she suspects is at least finacially abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you there accountant? Then no, you don’t know

And this makes you mad because you feel you make less and buy food and then you don’t have as nice of material stuff as they do
You are mad that they are willing to do something you aren’t and they end up in what you perceive as a better financial situation as you and it’s not fair bc in your mind you are clearly taking the moral high road and should be rewarded but they are being rewarded ...

So accept that what they are doing is not wrong from a rule perspective - there are no barriers in place to get the free lunches or free food
You don’t want to get a free lunch bc you fear someone will see you and think you are poor and to you that is likely worse than being poor
But you do in fact have the same options as your friend and you are making a choice that you are comfortable with not accepting the food

As for them eating junk food and the kids being fat, you threw that in to make the story more entertaining

I'll take it a step further and say OP resents that she once relied on her"friend" for help. How couls she the clearly superior being have fallen so low to need help from such a horrid person.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like she/they have anxiety around food, perhaps exacerbated by the controlling husband. Try to find some empathy or step back from the friendship.