Disgusted by friend’s cheapness/values/food situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

I’m sure there are families like this. This is not one of those situations.

You don't know that.

Is it that hard for you to believe that a financially well off family would do this?
So hard for you to believe that you won’t even entertain the possibility?

Is it so hard for you to believe you may not know as much about your friend's circumstances as you think you do?

You didn’t answer my question. I won’t claim to know everything about my friend’s financial situation, but in the totality of circumstances and from the large amount of information she has shared, I have zero reason to believe they have any actual financial challenges. This is not a money problem, it is a husband problem. Now, please tell me if you simply cannot believed people would do this.

So you admit as others have repeatedly told you that you do not know everything about your friend's financial situation. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have known about this and have tried to be understanding over the years. Yes, her husband is controlling and financially abusive. I don’t think she would be doing some of these things were it not for him. But she keeps on making excuses for him and why she can’t leave. She’s lost the ability to gauge what is normal. Maybe that’s what is really bugging me.

This is key for me. You have a "how do I support my friend who is in an abusive relationship" problem not a "how do I deal with my cheap friend" problem. I would say, avoid social things that will be focused on food (so playtime where there will be snacks, okay, but don't go out for food together. Beyond that, you need to gently talk to her about leaving and about how distorted the way she is living is. So every time she complains, say "Honestly, I hate to see you and the kids living this way, you deserve better." and "When you are ready to leave, I'm here for you. You may not feel like you can leave, but I know you can do it." Have some local resources ready and share them if she seems in any way interested. The worst that happens is she feels angry at you, but that wouldn't be worse than the current situation.

Actually, this is pretty much how I’ve treated her and what I have said to her during our friendship, right down to providing her with contacts like the Vienna Women’s Center. But I don’t bring it up any more because I already know she plans to just continue the status quo. I was in and left an abusive marriage And I know it is not easy, but women with far fewer resources do it every day.

Yet you decided to start a thread about how you were disgusted by your friend, criticized her parenting, and only when called out did you acknowledge the abusiveness of her situation.

I'm not buying what you are selling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

I’m sure there are families like this. This is not one of those situations.

You don't know that.

Is it that hard for you to believe that a financially well off family would do this?
So hard for you to believe that you won’t even entertain the possibility?

Is it so hard for you to believe you may not know as much about your friend's circumstances as you think you do?

You didn’t answer my question. I won’t claim to know everything about my friend’s financial situation, but in the totality of circumstances and from the large amount of information she has shared, I have zero reason to believe they have any actual financial challenges. This is not a money problem, it is a husband problem. Now, please tell me if you simply cannot believed people would do this.

So you admit as others have repeatedly told you that you do not know everything about your friend's financial situation. Thank you.

And you never answered my question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have known about this and have tried to be understanding over the years. Yes, her husband is controlling and financially abusive. I don’t think she would be doing some of these things were it not for him. But she keeps on making excuses for him and why she can’t leave. She’s lost the ability to gauge what is normal. Maybe that’s what is really bugging me.

This is key for me. You have a "how do I support my friend who is in an abusive relationship" problem not a "how do I deal with my cheap friend" problem. I would say, avoid social things that will be focused on food (so playtime where there will be snacks, okay, but don't go out for food together. Beyond that, you need to gently talk to her about leaving and about how distorted the way she is living is. So every time she complains, say "Honestly, I hate to see you and the kids living this way, you deserve better." and "When you are ready to leave, I'm here for you. You may not feel like you can leave, but I know you can do it." Have some local resources ready and share them if she seems in any way interested. The worst that happens is she feels angry at you, but that wouldn't be worse than the current situation.

Actually, this is pretty much how I’ve treated her and what I have said to her during our friendship, right down to providing her with contacts like the Vienna Women’s Center. But I don’t bring it up any more because I already know she plans to just continue the status quo. I was in and left an abusive marriage And I know it is not easy, but women with far fewer resources do it every day.

Yet you decided to start a thread about how you were disgusted by your friend, criticized her parenting, and only when called out did you acknowledge the abusiveness of her situation.

I'm not buying what you are selling.

And I want her to woman up and put her foot down on all this craziness, but she won’t.

[Anonymous]

Next time pick an angle, the concerned friend who has btdt or the righteous sjw who has outgrown her friendships. Don't try and do both, especially with an abrasive personality.


Fiinal grade: D-

[Anonymous]

What food bank has Lucky Charms?

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just bring it up? You said she was a close friend. I would say, "Don't you think it's sort of unethical to get food that is meant for people who would otherwise go hungry?" Maybe they'll say, "Oh, we volunteer every Sunday and there were the items that couldn't be put back" or who knows what. Short of some logical reason, she may give it some thought.

Once when I was in my early 20s and really living like a rat with very little money, I walked past a church on my way home one night and saw some bags of clothes at the door. I picked through them and took a few things. Later, I mentioned it to a friend, who said, "So you basically stole from a church." That had not crossed my mind. I had assumed it was up for grabs and not immoral to take, since it was outside. That simple sentence filled a blank spot in my character that my parents should have filled when I was growing up but didn't bother to. I still think of that simple one-sentence response to this day.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t sound like someone you are really friends with. Reading your post, you certainly are not being a good friend to her. Perhaps you should gracefully detach from this relationship and focus your energies in other more positive directions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What food bank has Lucky Charms?

I was able to get cereal from a free food program when I was struggling financially, it came in a box with things like canned tuna and pasta. as a kid the free breakfasts were usually cereal, milk and juice.

[Anonymous]

My friend and her DH make $200k and they are perpetually broke. They are truly terrible with money.

[Anonymous]

I work for a food and clothing charity. There are always a few outliers who come to depend upon us even though they aren’t clearly in need. Yes, there’s often mental illness at play. Sometimes, we can drop clients if merited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What food bank has Lucky Charms?

Probably a lot since my kid's private does cereal drives 2x a year, among other things. I'm sure not everyone is bringing in boxes of organic granola.

[Anonymous]

The food at the schools literally being thrown away if it’s not taken. So they doesn’t bother me. And yes, most of it is kind of crappy.

I don’t know. Not much you can do here but distance yourself. Vacation with them? No way! Just do park play dates, no having them over.

[Anonymous]

This is no different than multi-billion dollar companies taking government handouts. Wealthy people become wealthy by not spending their own money and leveraging the resources available to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

HA I had a really big argument with a friend about this once. There is absolutely something wrong with a rich person buying up everything at goodwill.

There are so many clothes at goodwill that you could never "buy up everything" at goodwill. That's a ridiculous notion. And I think people of any means can shop at Goodwill as an exercise in trying to reduce and reuse.

Taking grab-n-go meals meant for people who can't actually afford to eat, that's another story.

Why don't you call her on it? Ask her why she's picking up free meals meant for folks with low income, and point out that there are limited meals available (unlike the seemingly endless supply of jeans at goodwill. seriously. There is no shortage of secondhand clothes).