Disgusted by friend’s cheapness/values/food situation

[Anonymous]

It is really gross to grab the free stuff but my child is a heavier build and rarely eats junk food and eats very healthy. Some kids are just built that way. We really watch the diet. Very limited sugar, no soda, no juice, ice cream only homemade, very few snacks and limit carbs. And, exercise an hour a day.

[Anonymous]

That would be a dealbreaker for me. This is a family that likes getting over and taking advantage of other's kindness and generosity.

I'd phase em out. Covid is a great excuse.

[Anonymous]

My take away from this is that while IDGAF about your friend, I am concerned that food bank food is still so unhealthy given all we know about nutrition and even the short term effects of obesity on child development. I was a hungry kid and recall truly awful donated food like gristly, odd cuts of meat and powdered milk, but as a divorced young mom, I remember food bank boxes as being a bit better. The ground meat was very high fat, but my boxes tended to be full of vegetables and fresh dairy. Please make better donations if you are giving. Sometimes the difference is only a couple pennies. Like buying canned tuna rather than those rolls of 70/30 ground meat.

[Anonymous]

The clothes thing doesn't bother me, if they're buying secondhand clothes. That's better for the environment anyway.

Taking food donations is offensive. If that continued, I would avoid this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

Totally agree, but this is different than getting donated food from the church or "free" food from the school that is meant for needy children. They make a lot of money.

[Anonymous]

She probably hates it too, but doesn't seem to know that she can tell that jerk to shut up, stop telling her what to do, and start being a woman that does what she likes. That part is the worst part for me. Simply, if my DH was like this, I would tell him to get the hell our of my sight or shut up if he wants to stay married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have known about this and have tried to be understanding over the years. Yes, her husband is controlling and financially abusive. I don’t think she would be doing some of these things were it not for him. But she keeps on making excuses for him and why she can’t leave. She’s lost the ability to gauge what is normal. Maybe that’s what is really bugging me.

This is key for me. You have a "how do I support my friend who is in an abusive relationship" problem not a "how do I deal with my cheap friend" problem. I would say, avoid social things that will be focused on food (so playtime where there will be snacks, okay, but don't go out for food together. Beyond that, you need to gently talk to her about leaving and about how distorted the way she is living is. So every time she complains, say "Honestly, I hate to see you and the kids living this way, you deserve better." and "When you are ready to leave, I'm here for you. You may not feel like you can leave, but I know you can do it." Have some local resources ready and share them if she seems in any way interested. The worst that happens is she feels angry at you, but that wouldn't be worse than the current situation.

Actually, this is pretty much how I’ve treated her and what I have said to her during our friendship, right down to providing her with contacts like the Vienna Women’s Center. But I don’t bring it up any more because I already know she plans to just continue the status quo. I was in and left an abusive marriage And I know it is not easy, but women with far fewer resources do it every day.

Yet you decided to start a thread about how you were disgusted by your friend, criticized her parenting, and only when called out did you acknowledge the abusiveness of her situation.

I'm not buying what you are selling.

Folks. OP is not a real poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you know less about their situation that you think. People can be very good at keeping up appearances after situations change

OP here and nope. I knew someone would bring this up. Won’t get into details here but I know their financial situation is fine. And they’ve been at this for years, well before Covid and economic disaster.

Are you there accountant? Then no, you don’t know

And this makes you mad because you feel you make less and buy food and then you don’t have as nice of material stuff as they do
You are mad that they are willing to do something you aren’t and they end up in what you perceive as a better financial situation as you and it’s not fair bc in your mind you are clearly taking the moral high road and should be rewarded but they are being rewarded ...

So accept that what they are doing is not wrong from a rule perspective - there are no barriers in place to get the free lunches or free food
You don’t want to get a free lunch bc you fear someone will see you and think you are poor and to you that is likely worse than being poor
But you do in fact have the same options as your friend and you are making a choice that you are comfortable with not accepting the food

As for them eating junk food and the kids being fat, you threw that in to make the story more entertaining

Dude, trust me on this. They are more than fine, financially. Her husband is crazy and this is one of many “quirks” they have.
Obviously they are not breaking any laws or rules, but this thread is not about that. I wanted to gauge how others would feel in this situation as far as a friendship goes. Sounds like you’d be cool with the situation. Good for you.

I’m not jealous of their material situation. My house is more sparse but it’s better than having piles and bags of crap everywhere.
Would I like to have more in my savings account? Of course, who wouldn’t. But it is hard to argue that grabbing “free” food during these times is an ethical way to achieve that.

I agree that the food thing is not cool. If I really liked her otherwise, I don't know that I'd necessarily stop being friends over it, though. Maybe she is being controlled somewhat by her spouse. Maybev you can help her with that and model healthy eating with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My take away from this is that while IDGAF about your friend, I am concerned that food bank food is still so unhealthy given all we know about nutrition and even the short term effects of obesity on child development. I was a hungry kid and recall truly awful donated food like gristly, odd cuts of meat and powdered milk, but as a divorced young mom, I remember food bank boxes as being a bit better. The ground meat was very high fat, but my boxes tended to be full of vegetables and fresh dairy. Please make better donations if you are giving. Sometimes the difference is only a couple pennies. Like buying canned tuna rather than those rolls of 70/30 ground meat.

Exactly! Thank you seeing this as a serious problem in our society. I am so sick of rich people preaching how to eat healthily to poor people who can't afford to buy broccoli bcs it is effing expensive! Richest economy in the world! How pathetic are we exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

I think it is very different to support a thrift store (where the money they make goes to support a cause, and where they end up throwing away (or donating to salvage) many of the things they get) and taking free food from a food bank.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people with food issues like that have other issues--eating disorder, or they have traumas from childhood (growing up hungry, abuse, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

HA I had a really big argument with a friend about this once. There is absolutely something wrong with a rich person buying up everything at goodwill.

I used to think that, however I think everyone should by from thrift store because the profits help needy people and it's recycling. I buy vases and flower pots all the time and gift them with flowers to people.

[Anonymous]

My HHI is $250k and I shop at goodwill b/c I can find J. Crew stuff with the tags still on it. Why do you think Goodwill has been building more and more in higher income areas? They also have a business to run. *shrug*

[Anonymous]

My aunt is like this and is a full blown narcissist. Her husband is an enabled and while he doesn't have the constant self aggrandizing and control issues he is fully on board with the cheapness and scamming or scoring a good deal. They have gotten worse and worse over the years to the point of really bad behavior.

- When they come for dinner not only do they pack up all the left overs she helps herself to other things in the fridge or cupboards. The first time it seemed odd but its apparently a pattern that she does at anyone's house.

-You can't go out to dinner with them because they will either want to split something with you and eat all of it and then not pay for their portion. They will invite you out to go dutch but they have a coupon to get a free entree with the purchase of another entree. Your entree will be full priced and they will share the free one and help themselves to your plate. She will literally reach over with her fork and take food off your plate with a giggle and say Yum, Yum. Its creepy.

-They go to garage sales at the end and badger the person to sell whatever is left for pennies or give to them free. They often will offer to haul stuff away for a small fee too if she feels out that the people just want to get rid of stuff. She hoards this stuff all over her house and then tries to force people to accept them as gifts with strings. If you make the mistake of politely accepting one of these junk gifts, she will call constantly asking about and tell you how much its worth. She gave my niece a cooler for college that she got for free and kept pressuring my sister in law to contribute some money because it was worth $200.

-They absolutely avail themselves of any free service whether they are eligible or not.

-They have a digital movie library that they fill by checking out DVDs from the library and making copies.

-They have a tiny, cheapest option trash can and then drive around sneaking their trash into other people's cans. They would cancel the service but its required in their county.

-They use other relatives (who resemble them) Costco cards and then take advantage of the return policy.

-They will never donate anything because its not fair to them for someone to score a deal at their expensive. If they really do not want something anymore they will badger relatives to buy it at a ridiculous price.

It goes on and on but the cheapness and excitement over scoring a deal or scamming someone is really disgusting.

So OP I would start distancing because this behavior can get much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

HA I had a really big argument with a friend about this once. There is absolutely something wrong with a rich person buying up everything at goodwill.

I used to think that, however I think everyone should by from thrift store because the profits help needy people and it's recycling. I buy vases and flower pots all the time and gift them with flowers to people.

+1 I used to volunteer at a charity thrift store and the thrift store model is actually built on people (mostly UMC in our area) donating stuff and then the same demographic coming in and spending on their neighbors' items and getting excited about the bargain. It all worked out because the money we generated went to really good causes. The charities we supported didn't need Wedgwood china or Lilly Pulitzer skirts, they needed cash which we were able to raise by selling those items to UMC shoppers.