Disgusted by friend’s cheapness/values/food situation

[Anonymous]

Why are you friends with this person????

I would mention that it feels unethical to take food meant for struggling families. Then if they don't change, gently end the friendship.

I am married to a former war refugee who has serious hoarding and "cheapness" issues as a result, but even he doesn't do that!

[Anonymous]

I have known about this and have tried to be understanding over the years. Yes, her husband is controlling and financially abusive. I don’t think she would be doing some of these things were it not for him. But she keeps on making excuses for him and why she can’t leave. She’s lost the ability to gauge what is normal. Maybe that’s what is really bugging me.

[Anonymous]

Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like she/they have anxiety around food, perhaps exacerbated by the controlling husband. Try to find some empathy or step back from the friendship.

Empathy is not a thing OP has. She wants to feel like the superior person, thus she maintains the friendship ( so she can continue to say "at least i'm not x") She posts in the DCUM echo chamber, to get her outside validation fix that she is the superior parent, superior human.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

I’m sure there are families like this. This is not one of those situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

I’m sure there are families like this. This is not one of those situations.

You don't know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

I’m sure there are families like this. This is not one of those situations.

You don't know that.

Is it that hard for you to believe that a financially well off family would do this?
So hard for you to believe that you won’t even entertain the possibility?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have known about this and have tried to be understanding over the years. Yes, her husband is controlling and financially abusive. I don’t think she would be doing some of these things were it not for him. But she keeps on making excuses for him and why she can’t leave. She’s lost the ability to gauge what is normal. Maybe that’s what is really bugging me.

This is key for me. You have a "how do I support my friend who is in an abusive relationship" problem not a "how do I deal with my cheap friend" problem. I would say, avoid social things that will be focused on food (so playtime where there will be snacks, okay, but don't go out for food together. Beyond that, you need to gently talk to her about leaving and about how distorted the way she is living is. So every time she complains, say "Honestly, I hate to see you and the kids living this way, you deserve better." and "When you are ready to leave, I'm here for you. You may not feel like you can leave, but I know you can do it." Have some local resources ready and share them if she seems in any way interested. The worst that happens is she feels angry at you, but that wouldn't be worse than the current situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

I’m sure there are families like this. This is not one of those situations.

You don't know that.

Is it that hard for you to believe that a financially well off family would do this?
So hard for you to believe that you won’t even entertain the possibility?

Is it so hard for you to believe you may not know as much about your friend's circumstances as you think you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have known about this and have tried to be understanding over the years. Yes, her husband is controlling and financially abusive. I don’t think she would be doing some of these things were it not for him. But she keeps on making excuses for him and why she can’t leave. She’s lost the ability to gauge what is normal. Maybe that’s what is really bugging me.

This is key for me. You have a "how do I support my friend who is in an abusive relationship" problem not a "how do I deal with my cheap friend" problem. I would say, avoid social things that will be focused on food (so playtime where there will be snacks, okay, but don't go out for food together. Beyond that, you need to gently talk to her about leaving and about how distorted the way she is living is. So every time she complains, say "Honestly, I hate to see you and the kids living this way, you deserve better." and "When you are ready to leave, I'm here for you. You may not feel like you can leave, but I know you can do it." Have some local resources ready and share them if she seems in any way interested. The worst that happens is she feels angry at you, but that wouldn't be worse than the current situation.

This would be true if OP were actually an empathetic and kind person. Read her title. Read all her responses, she is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Saying they make 280k doesn't mean much. They could be drowning in debt, and totally broke.

I’m sure there are families like this. This is not one of those situations.

You don't know that.

Is it that hard for you to believe that a financially well off family would do this?
So hard for you to believe that you won’t even entertain the possibility?

Is it so hard for you to believe you may not know as much about your friend's circumstances as you think you do?

You didn’t answer my question. I won’t claim to know everything about my friend’s financial situation, but in the totality of circumstances and from the large amount of information she has shared, I have zero reason to believe they have any actual financial challenges. This is not a money problem, it is a husband problem. Now, please tell me if you simply cannot believed people would do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s nothing bad about rich people getting clothes from goodwill or Salvation Army. It’s wise and great for the environment. Save the money for experiences and college rather than things.

HA I had a really big argument with a friend about this once. There is absolutely something wrong with a rich person buying up everything at goodwill.

It's okay to buy stuff at Goodwill. That's how they make money and how they train folks for jobs. What's not cool is taking free food meant for people who don't have enough for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Decide if this is a deal breaker and proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Please focus more on learning to use paragraphs and less on how your friend treats food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have known about this and have tried to be understanding over the years. Yes, her husband is controlling and financially abusive. I don’t think she would be doing some of these things were it not for him. But she keeps on making excuses for him and why she can’t leave. She’s lost the ability to gauge what is normal. Maybe that’s what is really bugging me.

This is key for me. You have a "how do I support my friend who is in an abusive relationship" problem not a "how do I deal with my cheap friend" problem. I would say, avoid social things that will be focused on food (so playtime where there will be snacks, okay, but don't go out for food together. Beyond that, you need to gently talk to her about leaving and about how distorted the way she is living is. So every time she complains, say "Honestly, I hate to see you and the kids living this way, you deserve better." and "When you are ready to leave, I'm here for you. You may not feel like you can leave, but I know you can do it." Have some local resources ready and share them if she seems in any way interested. The worst that happens is she feels angry at you, but that wouldn't be worse than the current situation.

Actually, this is pretty much how I’ve treated her and what I have said to her during our friendship, right down to providing her with contacts like the Vienna Women’s Center. But I don’t bring it up any more because I already know she plans to just continue the status quo. I was in and left an abusive marriage And I know it is not easy, but women with far fewer resources do it every day.