My High Schooler is Going to Lose Her Mind If It's All Distance Learning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP. I'm sorry. I feel for your and your daughter. Do you best to stay as positive as you can, but do not dismiss or diminish her feelings of loss.

To all of you holier than thou posters, do you realize that developing resilience is harder from some than others? The worst thing any of us can do for someone suffering emotionally is tell then to suck it up and get over it. These are challenging times. I have multiple children, including one of whom is the most laid back, easy going human being on the planet and one who is emotional, tightly wound, and oppositional. I'm the same parent to all, but they are very different people.

I do like the idea of finding some outlet for her energy, if for no other reason than as a distraction. As a family, we just got a foster dog who is a bit of a challenge. Even so, caring for this sweet creature has reset my mental state. One of my teens was lucky enough to find a Zoom camp that she enjoys. Try to find something to make this time easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

I come from a family of exiled war refugees and I think both these PPs sound like dim, nasty idiots with weak emotional connections to their kids.

OP, it is really hard to get good mental health help right now. I know this is unconventional and a lot more work for you, but I would consider getting a pet and having the pet be the responsibility of your child. Get a screening too but understand that for borderline depression the video sessions often don't do much.

Same. One side of my family were practically starved to death, shot at with machine guns and watched friends and relatives die. I'm not a dim, nasty idiot. I have strong connections to my kids -- which is why they're doing fine during this crisis.

It's a crisis. Stop complaining about how hard it is for your DC to not hang out with friends and get life their way right now. It's a stupid and spoiled response to a crisis, and it's adversely affecting your children's ability to weather this successfully.

I flat out don't believe you have a remotely good connection to your kids. I don't think you even know what that means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

+1

-1 I have always had a “calm” home. My kids were loved. My then-19 yr old kid still ended up in a mental hospital in 2017 (I’m sorry if that’s not the pc term) for a week. With cushioned walls. It was terrifying for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

I come from a family of exiled war refugees and I think both these PPs sound like dim, nasty idiots with weak emotional connections to their kids.

OP, it is really hard to get good mental health help right now. I know this is unconventional and a lot more work for you, but I would consider getting a pet and having the pet be the responsibility of your child. Get a screening too but understand that for borderline depression the video sessions often don't do much.

Same. One side of my family were practically starved to death, shot at with machine guns and watched friends and relatives die. I'm not a dim, nasty idiot. I have strong connections to my kids -- which is why they're doing fine during this crisis.

It's a crisis. Stop complaining about how hard it is for your DC to not hang out with friends and get life their way right now. It's a stupid and spoiled response to a crisis, and it's adversely affecting your children's ability to weather this successfully.

I flat out don't believe you have a remotely good connection to your kids. I don't think you even know what that means.

LOL how in the world would you know? We are a close and loving family. We've been through a lot together, so we have some reference points for dealing with this crisis, like "We've been through X, Y and Z and we can make it through this, too" etc. We acknowledge how difficult this is for everyone. We don't wallow in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

+1

-1 I have always had a “calm” home. My kids were loved. My then-19 yr old kid still ended up in a mental hospital in 2017 (I’m sorry if that’s not the pc term) for a week. With cushioned walls. It was terrifying for all of us.

I'm sorry, PP. These arrogant, nasty posters just don't have the ability to feel empathy or compassion. Don't let them get to you. You should just pity their shallow emotional state.

I hope your child is doing better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

I come from a family of exiled war refugees and I think both these PPs sound like dim, nasty idiots with weak emotional connections to their kids.

OP, it is really hard to get good mental health help right now. I know this is unconventional and a lot more work for you, but I would consider getting a pet and having the pet be the responsibility of your child. Get a screening too but understand that for borderline depression the video sessions often don't do much.

Same. One side of my family were practically starved to death, shot at with machine guns and watched friends and relatives die. I'm not a dim, nasty idiot. I have strong connections to my kids -- which is why they're doing fine during this crisis.

It's a crisis. Stop complaining about how hard it is for your DC to not hang out with friends and get life their way right now. It's a stupid and spoiled response to a crisis, and it's adversely affecting your children's ability to weather this successfully.

I flat out don't believe you have a remotely good connection to your kids. I don't think you even know what that means.

LOL how in the world would you know? We are a close and loving family. We've been through a lot together, so we have some reference points for dealing with this crisis, like "We've been through X, Y and Z and we can make it through this, too" etc. We acknowledge how difficult this is for everyone. We don't wallow in it.

It's pretty evident from your posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

+1

-1 I have always had a “calm” home. My kids were loved. My then-19 yr old kid still ended up in a mental hospital in 2017 (I’m sorry if that’s not the pc term) for a week. With cushioned walls. It was terrifying for all of us.

Well that's not what this is about, is it? We're talking about how we respond to a crisis like this pandemic affects how we and those around us feel, not about having a mental illness that leads to a break down. You can see how this is completely different, right? I hope you figured things out for your son. Mental illness exists in good times and bad. We're talking about mental illness as a result of adversity and how to combat it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

+1

-1 I have always had a “calm” home. My kids were loved. My then-19 yr old kid still ended up in a mental hospital in 2017 (I’m sorry if that’s not the pc term) for a week. With cushioned walls. It was terrifying for all of us.

I'm sorry, PP. These arrogant, nasty posters just don't have the ability to feel empathy or compassion. Don't let them get to you. You should just pity their shallow emotional state.

I hope your child is doing better now.

So many mean posters claiming to be the ones who are knowledgeable about mental health.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

I come from a family of exiled war refugees and I think both these PPs sound like dim, nasty idiots with weak emotional connections to their kids.

OP, it is really hard to get good mental health help right now. I know this is unconventional and a lot more work for you, but I would consider getting a pet and having the pet be the responsibility of your child. Get a screening too but understand that for borderline depression the video sessions often don't do much.

Same. One side of my family were practically starved to death, shot at with machine guns and watched friends and relatives die. I'm not a dim, nasty idiot. I have strong connections to my kids -- which is why they're doing fine during this crisis.

It's a crisis. Stop complaining about how hard it is for your DC to not hang out with friends and get life their way right now. It's a stupid and spoiled response to a crisis, and it's adversely affecting your children's ability to weather this successfully.

I flat out don't believe you have a remotely good connection to your kids. I don't think you even know what that means.

LOL how in the world would you know? We are a close and loving family. We've been through a lot together, so we have some reference points for dealing with this crisis, like "We've been through X, Y and Z and we can make it through this, too" etc. We acknowledge how difficult this is for everyone. We don't wallow in it.

It's pretty evident from your posts.

Like what?

[Anonymous]

Anyone criticizing parents for their children's mental health--absent gross maltreatment--really shouldn't be bragging about their own superior functioning. Have some empathy.

OP, I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling. It's probably worth reaching out to a great adolescent therapist for a consultation, at least. Her withdrawing isn't a great sign, and better to have support now before things get worse. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone criticizing parents for their children's mental health--absent gross maltreatment--really shouldn't be bragging about their own superior functioning. Have some empathy.

OP, I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling. It's probably worth reaching out to a great adolescent therapist for a consultation, at least. Her withdrawing isn't a great sign, and better to have support now before things get worse. Hang in there.

Yes. It's vile behavior. I guess it's easy to get through a pandemic emotionally if you are sociopathic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone criticizing parents for their children's mental health--absent gross maltreatment--really shouldn't be bragging about their own superior functioning. Have some empathy.

OP, I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling. It's probably worth reaching out to a great adolescent therapist for a consultation, at least. Her withdrawing isn't a great sign, and better to have support now before things get worse. Hang in there.

Yes. It's vile behavior. I guess it's easy to get through a pandemic emotionally if you are sociopathic.

OP, if you're still reading, it's always a good to get advice from people who are succeeding at whatever it is you're getting advice about, rather than those who haven't.

OP is asking for advice. She got some. Posters calling others "vile" and "sociopathic" and otherwise insulting them for contributing are hardly in a position to give advice about mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone criticizing parents for their children's mental health--absent gross maltreatment--really shouldn't be bragging about their own superior functioning. Have some empathy.

OP, I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling. It's probably worth reaching out to a great adolescent therapist for a consultation, at least. Her withdrawing isn't a great sign, and better to have support now before things get worse. Hang in there.

You and others don't seem to understand what this thread is about. It's not about mental illness in otherwise normal circumstances. It's about depression as a result of isolation due to DL. Not all kids are depressed because of this. If there's something to change about responding to DL to have kids who are not adversely affected by it, then how is offering that advice sociopathic or lacking empathy?

Something is not working for OP and her DD. She needs a different perspective, hopefully to make things better for her DD. Isn't that the point of the thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

“Calm” doesn’t solve the mental distress that some (most?) teens have during this. As I’ve said before, “suck it up” is not a treatment for anxiety and never will be.

Calm solves a lot. A calm, peaceful home with parents who are not reacting in fear most certainly helps teens. I did not suggest only calm. I gave an example of what my youngest is doing - EMT training. My older children are most certainly feeling anxiety. I can help them most by encouraging them to remain in the calm center of this crazy storm. I think my 26 year old is struggling the most. She is a special ed teacher worried about her kids. She has no idea what the school year will look like. When she calls me upset and stressed, the best thing I can do is encourage her to breathe, meditate, practice self-care. And trust that this will end. I’m not a “jerk”. I just refuse to get pulled into the storm.

What a bunch of claptrap.

There are plenty of parents who are "calm" but it does nothing to help their children.

Your daughter is exactly right to be worried. The isolation and lack of education is devastating for disabled kids. Perhaps you thing your psychobabble will work for the 6 foot, 200 pound autistic kid who is headbutting his caregivers and knocking them out. Or the child with severe cerebral palsy who just lays in bed all day, crying, refusing to get up. Or the raging ADHD teen.

You have no idea what you are talking about lady.