My High Schooler is Going to Lose Her Mind If It's All Distance Learning

[Anonymous]

DD rides horses and she has continued to ride during the pandemic. At her riding facility, there is a separate riding school, which had to stop lessons for a few months but I know that they also resumed. In case she might be interested in horses, maybe she can take lessons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Thanks so much! The problem with a puppy is we already have cats. If we got lucky with the right dog I could see that being great for her but I’ve heard so many bad stories about dogs having to be re-homed — that would make her life much worse.

We have two cats, and we got a puppy. Best thing that's happened to our family with the pandemic. We got a puppy specifically so that the puppy would learn who the bosses are (i.e., the cats). We got a Lab specifically because they don't have a huge prey drive like certain breeds that really don't do well with cats overall because the temptation to chase is just too much (and also they're my favorite type of dog), but a good rescue with a good foster system can help find a dog that will be chill around the cats.

My middle child is one who crashed and burned with the pandemic. The puppy certainly hasn't been a magic bullet, but has been an enormous source of comfort and distraction both to my middle child and to the rest of us. It's a ton of work for us (and it's like having a young baby in terms of sleep deprivation at first) but the puppy gets us out of the house every day, multiple times a day and provides unconditional and non-judgmental affection that is just balm to the soul.

Hang in there, OP. We are all in this for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Op again. Thanks so much! The problem with a puppy is we already have cats. If we got lucky with the right dog I could see that being great for her but I’ve heard so many bad stories about dogs having to be re-homed — that would make her life much worse.

You can get a dog or puppy that's already been fostered in a home with cats. Your cats might be pissed off for a bit, but they would come around. A new puppy would also be a great reason for your daughter to invite a friend for a walk.

+1. We got a dog that came from a home with cats. She’s been here since November and has become the whole family’s emotional support animal in quarantine. But my junior who did not want a dog at all has bonded with the dog completely. It has been so good for her. We brought the home and out cats freaked out. So we brought out the wet cat food and spent some time everyday coaxing them closer. (The dog never blinked— sure enough, used to cats). As I’m typing, one of our cats is asleep on the soft less than six inches from the snoring dog.

Puppies are also great because they are young and small enough for your cat to train.

Helps to give the cats a safe space away from the dog, especially at first. We put a baby gate at the top of the basement steps with enough room for the cats to go underneath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to all of you who said "hang in there" and who gave suggestions. I will try some and, if they don't help, will look into therapy. She has been begging for a puppy but I fear that could go very wrong! I realize now she had several friends who ate lunch with her, sat with her in class, invited her to birthday parties, etc. but she does not seem to have close friends who actually miss seeing her. It is sad. She's embarrassed to initiate.

I agree that just saying 'suck it up' does not make your child more resilient. She loved school because she does better with a schedule, goals and a to-do list. That doesn't mean she is weak. I'm finding it hard to convince/persuade/direct her to do things. Her middle school sibling is doing fine and is active and involved.

To the posters whose teens are in a facility or who are in crisis I'm sending you positive thoughts and wish you the best.

Hi OP.. I'm a new poster to this thread. You have said several things that make me wonder if your daughter has an undiagnosed issue such as ADHD... something that would make socializing/ social skills more of a challenge for her
When you said she would not do things with the family or take up different interests, I was thinking very much that girls with ADHD are just like this..they are afraid to try new things, you must put your foot down and demand that they do them and stick with them.. and then when you mentioned being age 16 with no close friends I decided to chime in.
So I hope you will have a consultation with a neuropsychologist about your daughter. Normal therapists are not qualified to make diagnosis.

You might also want to join a community group as a family and insist that she go along. This might be a church, a charity group, scouting, whatever but she needs some greater community around her and of which she would be part of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to learn how to make friends.

Helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Move somewhere where school will be in session?

We are looking at renting a house in Massachusetts for the year. My son is up there for college. I just can not do online learning with 4 kids and work. I just can't.

Does this mean you're quitting your job?

[Anonymous]

Most dogs are fine with cats unless they are bred for prey drive. Avoid terriers. Any kind of sporting dog (retrievers, spaniels, beagles, etc.) should be fine.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of walks with a Starbucks bribe...wish me luck. Regarding asking friends to do things, she always refuses when I suggest she do something with a pal. I think she feels embarrassed being the one to ask. I;d been clinging to the fact that I just had to get her through the summer and then she'd perk up at least on her two school days but now that is unlikely.

She pleaded with us to do hybrid and will be so upset when she finds out that will be gone.

Daily Starbucks walk works for my soon-to-be fifteen DD.

Second the idea that a therapist might help.

The idea that we should rather put our otherwise healthy kids in therapy/meds instead of figuring out how to safely reopen our schools just boggles the mind.

We will figure out how to safely reopen our schools when we can safely do so. That time, clearly, is not now. P-A-N-D-E-M-I-C. That anyone thinks otherwise does, indeed, boggle the mind.

Until then, if a teenager is struggling the way the OP describes her daughter, and OP's parental attempts to help aren't working, mental health intervention is far from unwarranted.

[Anonymous]

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My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

Isolation is very hard on kids. Developmentally speaking, they are meant to be with and socialize with their peers. There's a reason why solitary confinement is a serious punishment in prisons. Maybe you have kids who are handling it well. That's just not the case for everyone.

I cannot believe you just reference SOLITARY CONFINEMENT IN PRISONS in a discussion about distance learning during a pandemic. Yes, because people have their families in prison, and a totally absurd number of ways to communicate outside of their homes, and multiple sources of technology, entertainment, and Amazon to get damn near everything they could ever need or want.

No wonder these people's kids aren't "handling it well." Their parents lack resilience and are catastrophizing drama queens, and kids -- yes, even teens -- at home soak that up like sponges.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm so worried about my 16 yr old DD. Do you have ideas for helping teens emotionally handle being stuck at home? She is getting less and less interactive and involved already, despite our best efforts to engage her and lift her mood. What ideas do you have for helping teens in the fall when the reality will truly hit that the positive things about high school are completely gone? She needs things to look forward to. (I'm not looking for general tips about the benefits of chores, volunteering, etc. And she will not want to try to join a pod.) Thanks.

Sorry to hear this. We had put my son in a mental health treatment facility. Was very hard to find a place they are all overwhelmed right now. At intake they said they have never before seen such a rush of kids with no known prior mental health issues.

My goodness!! I am so sorry. This must be so heartbreaking.

The moms on this board are fools for thinking they can isolate their children endlessly without mental repercussions. They bring up wars and other tragedies and ignore the fact that people who went through those things were often scarred by them for life.

I know many teens suffering right now.

Yes, it is very ignorant. I'm guessing that at this time even getting a child into a care facility is nearly impossible. People are severly minimizing and underestimating how incredibly emotionally damaging this is.

People are not being ignorant. They are pointing out that it is not universally damaging, so that means if you kid is struggling, you need to get help. That isn't ignorant; it's helpful. It would be ignorant to assume that every person is reacting to the situation exactly the same way.

+1

[Anonymous]

My kids are socializing-with each other, DH, and I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are socializing-with each other, DH, and I.

Too much of that isn't healthy for teens. My kids could definitely use more time apart. Being in the house together for the whole school year is not going to help their relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of walks with a Starbucks bribe...wish me luck. Regarding asking friends to do things, she always refuses when I suggest she do something with a pal. I think she feels embarrassed being the one to ask. I;d been clinging to the fact that I just had to get her through the summer and then she'd perk up at least on her two school days but now that is unlikely.

She pleaded with us to do hybrid and will be so upset when she finds out that will be gone.

Daily Starbucks walk works for my soon-to-be fifteen DD.

Second the idea that a therapist might help.

The idea that we should rather put our otherwise healthy kids in therapy/meds instead of figuring out how to safely reopen our schools just boggles the mind.

This x 1000. Crazy town for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD rides horses and she has continued to ride during the pandemic. At her riding facility, there is a separate riding school, which had to stop lessons for a few months but I know that they also resumed. In case she might be interested in horses, maybe she can take lessons?

+1
Our daughter rides too and it has been the saving grace of the past five months. It's the perfect social distancing outdoor activity and it keeps her sane.

[Anonymous]

Similar situation except no need to be overly cautious. I would be completely bored and depressed but she manages to be cheerful. We do have some daily routines that I initiate only because she would just be on her phone all day. She will be joining a youth group in the fall as well as getting her a job to get her out of the house and socializing.