My High Schooler is Going to Lose Her Mind If It's All Distance Learning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone criticizing parents for their children's mental health--absent gross maltreatment--really shouldn't be bragging about their own superior functioning. Have some empathy.

OP, I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling. It's probably worth reaching out to a great adolescent therapist for a consultation, at least. Her withdrawing isn't a great sign, and better to have support now before things get worse. Hang in there.

Yes. It's vile behavior. I guess it's easy to get through a pandemic emotionally if you are sociopathic.

OP, if you're still reading, it's always a good to get advice from people who are succeeding at whatever it is you're getting advice about, rather than those who haven't.

OP is asking for advice. She got some. Posters calling others "vile" and "sociopathic" and otherwise insulting them for contributing are hardly in a position to give advice about mental health.

What the bootstraps posters are doing is sociopathic behavior. If that doesn't apply to you, it wouldn't feel like an insult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

“Calm” doesn’t solve the mental distress that some (most?) teens have during this. As I’ve said before, “suck it up” is not a treatment for anxiety and never will be.

No. Most teens are not suffering mental distress, and it is dangerous to those who are for you to normalize anxiety and depression like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

Ok armchair statistician/psychiatrist!

“Calm” doesn’t solve the mental distress that some (most?) teens have during this. As I’ve said before, “suck it up” is not a treatment for anxiety and never will be.

No. Most teens are not suffering mental distress, and it is dangerous to those who are for you to normalize anxiety and depression like that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry that your daughter is struggling. Mine does CBT via video chat with her therapist every other week for 30 minutes, and is also on some meds. She has anxiety and depression, and is also gifted -- it can be awesome or a recipe for disaster.

What works for her lately is painting -- she's gotten a bunch of small canvasses and acrylic paints, and she does little paintings for a few hours a couple of times a week. She also has been doing an online theater camp that she loves through Wondergo -- they are producing "radio shows" that will be available to stream starting august 1. That's 2 hours a day, 4 days a week, and has been going from June until the end of this month. She also has a travel sport that has been playing -- softball has less contact and they've been careful to only play teams that are following similar precautions (we have a NOVA summer league rather than going to tournaments).
I think it couldn't hurt to suggest she talk to someone,. although I'm sure it will be met with resistance. Many folks who are depressed have to be in a good enough place to want to do therapy. I'd start with the pediatrician like others have suggested. This is random also, but is she getting enough vitamins/iron? I'd check to make sure she is getting all she needs there.

Look for online classes to take, make her pick one or two. She can't say no, unless she comes up with a plan of what she's going to do to fill a couple of hours every day. We've been blocking the day into chunks, and my daughter writes out what she will do the night before. It helps her stick to something, whether it's painting, or walking the dog early in the am, or whatever.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

Will the up by your bootstraps crowd please STFU? What's even worse than this pandemic is having to hear from self-righteous a$$holes 24-7.

I see your eye rolls and I raise you one middle finger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone criticizing parents for their children's mental health--absent gross maltreatment--really shouldn't be bragging about their own superior functioning. Have some empathy.

OP, I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling. It's probably worth reaching out to a great adolescent therapist for a consultation, at least. Her withdrawing isn't a great sign, and better to have support now before things get worse. Hang in there.

Yes. It's vile behavior. I guess it's easy to get through a pandemic emotionally if you are sociopathic.

OP, if you're still reading, it's always a good to get advice from people who are succeeding at whatever it is you're getting advice about, rather than those who haven't.

OP is asking for advice. She got some. Posters calling others "vile" and "sociopathic" and otherwise insulting them for contributing are hardly in a position to give advice about mental health.

I wasn't talking about concrete advice, empathically delivered. I'm referring to various PPs who seem to think that calm homes and parents, etc., are the deciding factor in children's reactions. People, including children, have different vulnerabilities to stressful situations, and these vulnerabilities are often genetic. So, sure, share that therapy worked for your kid (as helpful PPs have done). But lose the "you just need to calm down" sanctimony and judgment that many are displaying here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to all of you who said "hang in there" and who gave suggestions. I will try some and, if they don't help, will look into therapy. She has been begging for a puppy but I fear that could go very wrong! I realize now she had several friends who ate lunch with her, sat with her in class, invited her to birthday parties, etc. but she does not seem to have close friends who actually miss seeing her. It is sad. She's embarrassed to initiate.

I agree that just saying 'suck it up' does not make your child more resilient. She loved school because she does better with a schedule, goals and a to-do list. That doesn't mean she is weak. I'm finding it hard to convince/persuade/direct her to do things. Her middle school sibling is doing fine and is active and involved.

To the posters whose teens are in a facility or who are in crisis I'm sending you positive thoughts and wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to all of you who said "hang in there" and who gave suggestions. I will try some and, if they don't help, will look into therapy. She has been begging for a puppy but I fear that could go very wrong! I realize now she had several friends who ate lunch with her, sat with her in class, invited her to birthday parties, etc. but she does not seem to have close friends who actually miss seeing her. It is sad. She's embarrassed to initiate.

I agree that just saying 'suck it up' does not make your child more resilient. She loved school because she does better with a schedule, goals and a to-do list. That doesn't mean she is weak. I'm finding it hard to convince/persuade/direct her to do things. Her middle school sibling is doing fine and is active and involved.

To the posters whose teens are in a facility or who are in crisis I'm sending you positive thoughts and wish you the best.

OP, kudos for handling the abusive and hostile posts so well. Some of the "perfect" DCUM posters don't understand that not every kid has a built in social circle of friends who remain connected outside of school. I have two kids for whom the social interaction they get at school is the most important social interaction they get. Taking that away is a huge deal. Little kids don't see their friend on Instagram doing things, which only increases the feeling of isolation.

I was the PP who mentioned fostering a dog. You might want to look into that as an outlet for your daughter and to see if a dog makes sense for you. She can research training and things like that to give her something to do.Dogs provide some built in structure!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to all of you who said "hang in there" and who gave suggestions. I will try some and, if they don't help, will look into therapy. She has been begging for a puppy but I fear that could go very wrong! I realize now she had several friends who ate lunch with her, sat with her in class, invited her to birthday parties, etc. but she does not seem to have close friends who actually miss seeing her. It is sad. She's embarrassed to initiate.

I agree that just saying 'suck it up' does not make your child more resilient. She loved school because she does better with a schedule, goals and a to-do list. That doesn't mean she is weak. I'm finding it hard to convince/persuade/direct her to do things. Her middle school sibling is doing fine and is active and involved.

To the posters whose teens are in a facility or who are in crisis I'm sending you positive thoughts and wish you the best.

OP, kudos for handling the abusive and hostile posts so well. Some of the "perfect" DCUM posters don't understand that not every kid has a built in social circle of friends who remain connected outside of school. I have two kids for whom the social interaction they get at school is the most important social interaction they get. Taking that away is a huge deal. Little kids don't see their friend on Instagram doing things, which only increases the feeling of isolation.

I was the PP who mentioned fostering a dog. You might want to look into that as an outlet for your daughter and to see if a dog makes sense for you. She can research training and things like that to give her something to do.Dogs provide some built in structure!

+1 to all of this!

OP, our dog is generally a PITA but played a crucial role as "quarantine support animal" for our super social oldest kid when she was struggling the most. That kind of physical comfort (and just the general time invested in caring for an animal, assuming she's responsible enough to do so) can be so therapeutic for kids.

Also, check out Tina Payne Bryson and Lisa Damour on social media (both are on IG). Both psychologists, both have great things to say about how to help kids right now. Dr. Damour specializes in working with adolescent girls, so you may find her particularly helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to all of you who said "hang in there" and who gave suggestions. I will try some and, if they don't help, will look into therapy. She has been begging for a puppy but I fear that could go very wrong! I realize now she had several friends who ate lunch with her, sat with her in class, invited her to birthday parties, etc. but she does not seem to have close friends who actually miss seeing her. It is sad. She's embarrassed to initiate.

I agree that just saying 'suck it up' does not make your child more resilient. She loved school because she does better with a schedule, goals and a to-do list. That doesn't mean she is weak. I'm finding it hard to convince/persuade/direct her to do things. Her middle school sibling is doing fine and is active and involved.

To the posters whose teens are in a facility or who are in crisis I'm sending you positive thoughts and wish you the best.

OP, kudos for handling the abusive and hostile posts so well. Some of the "perfect" DCUM posters don't understand that not every kid has a built in social circle of friends who remain connected outside of school. I have two kids for whom the social interaction they get at school is the most important social interaction they get. Taking that away is a huge deal. Little kids don't see their friend on Instagram doing things, which only increases the feeling of isolation.

I was the PP who mentioned fostering a dog. You might want to look into that as an outlet for your daughter and to see if a dog makes sense for you. She can research training and things like that to give her something to do.Dogs provide some built in structure!

Same here! My daughter misses her “school friends.” She is shy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say this gently - I agree with the posters suggesting that we do a better job teaching resilience. Most of the people posting likely have secure housing and plenty of food. We aren’t being invaded by zombies or suffering from the effects of war. This sucks for all of us. Your children will likely follow your lead. If you can remain optimistic and calm during this storm, they will as well.

If it’s a true mental health issue, then of course, call a psychiatrist. Otherwise, encourage your kids to learn independently. My youngest is a senior. He is working on his EMT certification. That’s keeping him engaged and providing him the opportunity to give back to his community. He is also practicing yoga and hiking. My older kids are feeling the effects as well. Some handle it better than others. But all of them see their parents remaining calm and centered. That’s the most important piece.

jerk

Truly curious. How does my response make me a “jerk”? This is hard on all of us. Some are suffering more than others. Panic, despair, and anger don’t help us solve problems. Many of the kids I see having the toughest time with this are the ones whose parents are angry, defensive, and scared. This is the time to pause, breathe, and solve problems from a place of calm.

“Calm” doesn’t solve the mental distress that some (most?) teens have during this. As I’ve said before, “suck it up” is not a treatment for anxiety and never will be.

Calm solves a lot. A calm, peaceful home with parents who are not reacting in fear most certainly helps teens. I did not suggest only calm. I gave an example of what my youngest is doing - EMT training. My older children are most certainly feeling anxiety. I can help them most by encouraging them to remain in the calm center of this crazy storm. I think my 26 year old is struggling the most. She is a special ed teacher worried about her kids. She has no idea what the school year will look like. When she calls me upset and stressed, the best thing I can do is encourage her to breathe, meditate, practice self-care. And trust that this will end. I’m not a “jerk”. I just refuse to get pulled into the storm.

I would hope not if your DD is 26. Sorry, just not taking parenting advice from a mother who still considers her adult children children. I'd be a lot more calm if I weren't watching all my sophomore high schooler's dream of college recruitment go down the drain. And I swear if you say, "grit" or "resilience" one more time, I will not read another word.

[Anonymous]

op, if she has been asking for a dog, get a dog! I think our dogs have helped so much. ABSOLUTELY!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you to all of you who said "hang in there" and who gave suggestions. I will try some and, if they don't help, will look into therapy. She has been begging for a puppy but I fear that could go very wrong! I realize now she had several friends who ate lunch with her, sat with her in class, invited her to birthday parties, etc. but she does not seem to have close friends who actually miss seeing her. It is sad. She's embarrassed to initiate.

I agree that just saying 'suck it up' does not make your child more resilient. She loved school because she does better with a schedule, goals and a to-do list. That doesn't mean she is weak. I'm finding it hard to convince/persuade/direct her to do things. Her middle school sibling is doing fine and is active and involved.

To the posters whose teens are in a facility or who are in crisis I'm sending you positive thoughts and wish you the best.

You were a lot more gracious with the sociopathic harridans on this thread than they deserved, OP.

I would seriously consider a dog. You could try to foster if you don't want to deal with a puppy. The fact she's asking for one is a good sign -- she is already thinking about it. The issue is the work involved for you (but maybe if she starts improving, that will also ease your burdens?). Good luck and please keep us updated -- you aren't the only one with a struggling teen, and maybe others could learn.

[Anonymous]

Op again. Thanks so much! The problem with a puppy is we already have cats. If we got lucky with the right dog I could see that being great for her but I’ve heard so many bad stories about dogs having to be re-homed — that would make her life much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Thanks so much! The problem with a puppy is we already have cats. If we got lucky with the right dog I could see that being great for her but I’ve heard so many bad stories about dogs having to be re-homed — that would make her life much worse.

Try Lu’s Labs - awesome lab rescue, they foster the dogs briefly so you’ll have an idea of temperament and labs are generally very good natured