My High Schooler is Going to Lose Her Mind If It's All Distance Learning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But at least teachers are still getting their paychecks, who cares if kids go crazy or don't learn anything!

Parents like you bring down the entire school community. And we don't even have the option of firing you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of walks with a Starbucks bribe...wish me luck. Regarding asking friends to do things, she always refuses when I suggest she do something with a pal. I think she feels embarrassed being the one to ask. I;d been clinging to the fact that I just had to get her through the summer and then she'd perk up at least on her two school days but now that is unlikely.

She pleaded with us to do hybrid and will be so upset when she finds out that will be gone.

Daily Starbucks walk works for my soon-to-be fifteen DD.

Second the idea that a therapist might help.

The idea that we should rather put our otherwise healthy kids in therapy/meds instead of figuring out how to safely reopen our schools just boggles the mind.

Or just tell them to suck it up, buttercup. That works, too.

[Anonymous]

Have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know it's ok to express disappointment & sadness. My teen said he didn't want to complain about anything because he knows people are having legit problems i.e. unemployment, illness, death of a loved one. I told him it's ok to feel whatever he is feeling and fine to vent at home.

IDK hat she is into, but here are a few ideas.

Home spa day or give each other makeovers. College DD and I did this. She's better at hair & makeup than I am, but it was fun.

We walk and take pictures of interesting roadside trash for our collage. This week we found a baby shoe, a birthday balloon and a little plastic Elmo.

A pet? Fish if you aren't interested in a less contained animal.

If she is artsy, try a new medium. Clay, jewelry making, Bob Ross kit. We even went back to childhood with finger painting and friendship bracelets.

You said you have an elderly relative in your home. Would she like to start genealogy or a family history?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of walks with a Starbucks bribe...wish me luck. Regarding asking friends to do things, she always refuses when I suggest she do something with a pal. I think she feels embarrassed being the one to ask. I;d been clinging to the fact that I just had to get her through the summer and then she'd perk up at least on her two school days but now that is unlikely.

She pleaded with us to do hybrid and will be so upset when she finds out that will be gone.

Daily Starbucks walk works for my soon-to-be fifteen DD.

Second the idea that a therapist might help.

The idea that we should rather put our otherwise healthy kids in therapy/meds instead of figuring out how to safely reopen our schools just boggles the mind.

Therapy =/= meds. And I'm the one who suggested therapy, because OP's DD's response seems to be an outlier. This situation is awful for everyone. But when a person becomes so unhappy they refuse to do even small things to feel better, that's depression. You'll notice I started by suggesting that OP help talk her DD through her feelings...but therapy might help if that doesn't work.

Honestly. Everyone goes through setbacks, and since OP didn't mention that Covid has caused their family job loss or worse, OP's kids situation is actually not as bad as what many, many Americans are facing. This is an opportunity to teach kids how to cope with life's inevitable setbacks. Better now than when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know it's ok to express disappointment & sadness. My teen said he didn't want to complain about anything because he knows people are having legit problems i.e. unemployment, illness, death of a loved one. I told him it's ok to feel whatever he is feeling and fine to vent at home.

IDK hat she is into, but here are a few ideas.

Home spa day or give each other makeovers. College DD and I did this. She's better at hair & makeup than I am, but it was fun.

We walk and take pictures of interesting roadside trash for our collage. This week we found a baby shoe, a birthday balloon and a little plastic Elmo.

A pet? Fish if you aren't interested in a less contained animal.

If she is artsy, try a new medium. Clay, jewelry making, Bob Ross kit. We even went back to childhood with finger painting and friendship bracelets.

You said you have an elderly relative in your home. Would she like to start genealogy or a family history?

This. This is the time to teach kids how to work through complex emotions. This situation is terrible. I hate that my kids are missing out on socialization and sports and the kind of learning that happens best in groups. I do feel like they are missing out, and so do they. But that's life. We're talking about how it's frustrating and feel bad, and that it's okay to feel frustrated and unhappy sometimes. And that validation alone can make it feel less overwhelming. It's shocking how many adults lack the ability to parse their emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of walks with a Starbucks bribe...wish me luck. Regarding asking friends to do things, she always refuses when I suggest she do something with a pal. I think she feels embarrassed being the one to ask. I;d been clinging to the fact that I just had to get her through the summer and then she'd perk up at least on her two school days but now that is unlikely.

She pleaded with us to do hybrid and will be so upset when she finds out that will be gone.

Daily Starbucks walk works for my soon-to-be fifteen DD.

Second the idea that a therapist might help.

The idea that we should rather put our otherwise healthy kids in therapy/meds instead of figuring out how to safely reopen our schools just boggles the mind.

Therapy =/= meds. And I'm the one who suggested therapy, because OP's DD's response seems to be an outlier. This situation is awful for everyone. But when a person becomes so unhappy they refuse to do even small things to feel better, that's depression. You'll notice I started by suggesting that OP help talk her DD through her feelings...but therapy might help if that doesn't work.

Honestly. Everyone goes through setbacks, and since OP didn't mention that Covid has caused their family job loss or worse, OP's kids situation is actually not as bad as what many, many Americans are facing. This is an opportunity to teach kids how to cope with life's inevitable setbacks. Better now than when they are adults.

I agree with this. I was the PP that suggested the heart to heart. I'm not a run to therapy type of person, but if my child is in a funk that I can't remedy and losing interest in all normal, daily activities, I'm having a depression screening done.

[Anonymous]

IDK hat she is into, but here are a few ideas.

Home spa day or give each other makeovers. College DD and I did this. She's better at hair & makeup than I am, but it was fun.

We walk and take pictures of interesting roadside trash for our collage. This week we found a baby shoe, a birthday balloon and a little plastic Elmo.

A pet? Fish if you aren't interested in a less contained animal.

If she is artsy, try a new medium. Clay, jewelry making, Bob Ross kit. We even went back to childhood with finger painting and friendship bracelets.

You said you have an elderly relative in your home. Would she like to start genealogy or a family history?

OP, again. These are great ideas! Thanks. For the poster who said they don't understand why DL is so hard -- it's like when I have a time period when I don't have to get up and go somewhere and follow a set schedule connected to the outside world, I get sluggish and feel quite blah. This is hard for kids in every grade but in different ways. Teenagers need to have lives beyond their home and immediate family. I'm trying to get her to branch out but I'm facing the stereotypical grouchy teen attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have a heart to heart talk with her. Let her know it's ok to express disappointment & sadness. My teen said he didn't want to complain about anything because he knows people are having legit problems i.e. unemployment, illness, death of a loved one. I told him it's ok to feel whatever he is feeling and fine to vent at home.

IDK hat she is into, but here are a few ideas.

Home spa day or give each other makeovers. College DD and I did this. She's better at hair & makeup than I am, but it was fun.

We walk and take pictures of interesting roadside trash for our collage. This week we found a baby shoe, a birthday balloon and a little plastic Elmo.

A pet? Fish if you aren't interested in a less contained animal.

If she is artsy, try a new medium. Clay, jewelry making, Bob Ross kit. We even went back to childhood with finger painting and friendship bracelets.

You said you have an elderly relative in your home. Would she like to start genealogy or a family history?

That sounds really cool, PP!

There is also a high school girl on our area who started a local food bank. Pretty amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of walks with a Starbucks bribe...wish me luck. Regarding asking friends to do things, she always refuses when I suggest she do something with a pal. I think she feels embarrassed being the one to ask. I;d been clinging to the fact that I just had to get her through the summer and then she'd perk up at least on her two school days but now that is unlikely.

She pleaded with us to do hybrid and will be so upset when she finds out that will be gone.

Daily Starbucks walk works for my soon-to-be fifteen DD.

Second the idea that a therapist might help.

The idea that we should rather put our otherwise healthy kids in therapy/meds instead of figuring out how to safely reopen our schools just boggles the mind.

Therapy =/= meds. And I'm the one who suggested therapy, because OP's DD's response seems to be an outlier. This situation is awful for everyone. But when a person becomes so unhappy they refuse to do even small things to feel better, that's depression. You'll notice I started by suggesting that OP help talk her DD through her feelings...but therapy might help if that doesn't work.

Honestly. Everyone goes through setbacks, and since OP didn't mention that Covid has caused their family job loss or worse, OP's kids situation is actually not as bad as what many, many Americans are facing. This is an opportunity to teach kids how to cope with life's inevitable setbacks. Better now than when they are adults.

+1 and more. People must have lived charmed lives if they're not preparing their kids to handle adversity when they grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

I agree with this. I also can't understand why some kids seem to be crushed by this experience. Help them see that it's going to be okay. Help them make the most of it. Come up with a better plan than the one you've got going if it's not working. I guess that's what the OP is asking for help with, but I balk at the idea that DL is causing such anguish. It's attitude and personality. Resilience, grit, fortitude, perseverance -- all those things we keep talking about. This is it, folks. Explain to your kids that this is just the type of occasion you were talking about all those years when you said they needed to have these qualities in their back pocket.

Isolation is very hard on kids. Developmentally speaking, they are meant to be with and socialize with their peers. There's a reason why solitary confinement is a serious punishment in prisons. Maybe you have kids who are handling it well. That's just not the case for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The job she had lined up was cancelled. Seems late to find one for the summer. She refuses to initiate stuff like zoom calls or backyard visits with her friends. We have an elderly family member living with us until September so we do need to be careful.

What have you found that helps get your child outdoors or energized? We do things like let her pick the movie for family movie night with any snack she wants and she says no. We said she could pick take out dinner from any restaurant if we all eat it as a picnic and she said no. We offer to boost her chore money every time she bikes outside and she won't.

Your DD sounds depressed. There are, unfortunately, limited options for entertainment right now. You've offered to do what you can to make them available to her, and she isn't taking you up on them. Have you really helped her talk through the disappointment of her job falling through and DL in the fall? She is likely feeling an understandable sense of loss that is leading to a bit of despair. Life can be tough, and sometimes we experience periods where things look objectively bleak for the foreseeable future. This is one of those times. The trick is to learn the coping skills to survive in the face of something that's very hard. And humans are actually capable of this...but for many of us, including me, it takes actively learning how to process our emotions and see beyond the negative feelings. If you aren't able to help her through this, it might be worth looking into a professional therapist who can help. I'm saying this from experience.

I love the PP. Well said!

[Anonymous]

My kid is very introverted by nature, so I have really been pushing him to have SOME interaction with other kids. I thought he was going ok and then realized he was getting a little....weird.
I think getting out of the house every day is good, whether for a walk, an errand...stores are open. She can go shopping with a mask.
The good thing is that we aren't totally locked down, so she needs to have some regular interaction with friends outside of school time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
My high schooler is SO RELIEVED and HAPPY that it's going to be all distance learning.

My elementary schooler as well, come to think of it.

They both did very well with distance learning this spring.

That seems to be rather irrelevant information.

Seriously, not constructive at all.

I am making the point that distance learning works for some kids. And not very subtly, I am making the point to please get over yourselves! We are in a pandemic. DCUM can continue to wring its hands, vituperate against schools, etc, but we'll still have distance learning anyway.

So... why not make the best of it? If you go in certain that the school year is going to be terrible, it will be, particularly with a teen. If you do your best to find something positive about it, it won't be that bad.

If OP is concerned about her teen's mental health, there are videoconferences available with a pediatrician, then a psychologist or therapist.

I sound mean, but please remember we're not sending our kids to be killed in Vietnam, we're not experiencing wartime starvation, we're not migrants, we get to sit at home with our internet and online deliveries. Get a grip.

Let's hope your children are learning empathy and compassion from someone else. Obviously they aren't learning anything from you.

[Anonymous]

DD is doing adult paint by numbers canvasses (look on amazon), knitting, practicing piano, exercising, reading, and doing housework