When someone contacts you about being excluded from social events

[Anonymous]

She's a lost cause. Ghost her.

[Anonymous]

Perpetually left out mom here. I’m an introvert, my kid is an introvert. People seem to like us and enjoy is when we’re around but we’re easily forgotten. Teachers tell us my son gets along with everyone and is well liked, but he’s no one’s best friend. We moved in to a neighborhood with a toddler where a bunch of other families moved in 2-3 years earlier and moms bonded over maternity leave.

Let me tell you how it feels. It feels shitty. Like I’m always one step behind. Like I’m late to the dance and everyone has paired off. Kids that young form friendships based on proximity and repeated exposure. Of course my son is not close to yours, they are never together because no one ever thinks to invite us. Of course you don’t know me, you never invite me to book club or girls night.

Your “friend” is out of line. I don’t expect you to invite me to outings hosted by other people, just to invite me to your outings and maybe throw me a bone and tell the other hostesses to consider adding me and leave it up to them. If you get to know me, you might like me. In the mean time, I’ll keep inviting you to all of my events, walking your kids home from school with mine, making you cookies, loaning your husband our power washer, etc. because I am a good neighbor and a really helpful person if you just give me a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright. OP here. I just sent that exact text and she replied, "Do you think they dislike me or B [her son]?"

I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.

DROP THE ROPE. Why are you texting any gossip or speculation?!

"I can only speak for myself, and I enjoy our time together. If you have questions or concerns about Beth and Jessica, you will need to talk to them directly."

STOP. You are not a therapist, a life coach, or a mediator.

I think it's hard to just not respond to a text like that.

I didn't tell her not to respond, did I? I said the response should be:

"I can only speak for myself, and I enjoy our time together. If you have questions or concerns about Beth and Jessica, you will need to talk to them directly."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Geez, would it kill you, people to invite them to drive by? Someone organised the drive by, right?

But no, you have to act like you’re in middle school. Without excluding someone you just wouldn’t feel special.

It wasn’t OP’s party, she didn’t organize it, and it is rude to invite other people if you are not the host.

Not OP’s problem.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she wants invites from others she needs to invite others to something she organizes and then hope that the mean girls reciprocate.

THEY ARE NOT MEAN

[Anonymous]

I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Alright. OP here. I just sent that exact text and she replied, "Do you think they dislike me or B [her son]?"

I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.

Well, what else is she supposed to do? She and her kid sounded innocuous and she was chronically excluded. I feel really sorry for her.

[Anonymous]

I feel for both the op and "excluded mom". For the op because the other mom is sort of making her "her everything" or hoping she helps other mom gain entry but that is unfair and if i were op being confronted would alienate me and suggests someone quick to injury and possibly quick to pass the responsiblity for her struggle. Of course when you are the lonely excluded one sensitivities are higher and one tends to see insult where none existed. I would just kindly say, "it was not my event, I'm sorry". Fin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Alright. OP here. I just sent that exact text and she replied, "Do you think they dislike me or B [her son]?"

I'm trying to work. I wrote of course not, just an oversight, and she replied with a huge text message to the group asking to please invite her and her son next time...Oh god.

Well, what else is she supposed to do? She and her kid sounded innocuous and she was chronically excluded. I feel really sorry for her.

She was supposed to be a grownup by contacting the actual person who actually excluded her and asking to be included in the future. Using OP as her personal life coach and social concierge is absurd.

[Anonymous]

She is both a bit excluded probably due to no serious reason exactly but she is also a bit socially unskilled, demanding and her directness can be offputting. The way out involves her working to change and understand herself. That is the reality. She can host as well by the way.

[Anonymous]

As a semi introvert i always felt like hosting was socially the easiest and best way to get to know people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After the age of 35 or so, I've simply dropped or ignored needy, clingy friends. If you haven't figured out how to navigate social dynamics by now, I can't help you.

I will never be intentionally rude or exclusionary. But I'm not here to babysit. If you are overly shy, mousy, passive aggressive or socially awkward, I am not here to spend my time and energy bringing you along. I'll always be cordial, but I'm not your life coach. Best of luck. I wouldn't bother responding to such nonsense.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

Of course you understand why. Maybe she's shy? Nervous? Has anxiety? Is trying (until now at least) not to bring it up to the whole group due to fear of being shot down? There are many, many reasons why she did this.

And your example, above, is really not relevant here. There is nothing to suggest that happened. Just a woman and her son trying to fit in, however awkwardly, and not being permitted to do so b/c OP and her friend seem not very nice, frankly.

OP, I don't understand why it is so freaking hard for you to have a conversation, in person or not by text, about the situation. Tell her you don't want to be her go between. But also tell her that elevating things -which she did at your urging- is not helping. But, that you will do your best to include her. And then do it. You're overcomplicating what should have been a few easy ways to include a woman looking for friends. Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don’t understand why it would be a big deal to invite someone to a drive by party.

I could understand not inviting someone to a real party. But ffs to a drive by? In the same neighborhood? Does it have to be exclusive?

Couldn’t you say to the organizer, do you mind if Larla joins us?

What a f**ing mean group of people you are.

And I don't understand why the excluded friend can't contact the people who actually did exclude her, directly, vs. trying to manipulate OP into being her personal friend concierge.

What you also might not understand is that some people do, in fact, have legitimate reasons for not wanting to associate with someone. Like me with my neighbor who made horrible racist remarks about our mutual acquaintance, who is biracial, in front of my children. I will not being inviting racist people to any of my events, ever, even if it is a drive-by birthday party. And that is exactly none of your business. Just as it is none of OP's business whether her other friend had some type of reason for not inviting the "excluded friend."

Do you get it?

Manipulate? So asking to be included in things is manipulation now? GMAFB.