Disclosing abortion to past boyfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

I would never disclose to anyone but the anonymous internet how I feel inside, especially now that I have discovered that even the anonymous internet is fairly disgusted with me. I know that I had problems before I met him. I had a difficult childhood - emotionally absent and narcissistic parents (at least this is what the therapists that I worked with said based on reviewing my background).

See OP there is so much more going on here than this abortion which you say is the big moment of before you and after you. You grew up with emotionally absent and narcissistic parents so I doubt you had much warmth and love during your childhood.

You are married to a man who made you feel like dirt when you disclosed the fact that you had an abortion and by saying that he said you should have told him before you were married it sounds like he told you to your face that he wouldn't have married you if he knew. That's so cold, harsh and unloving. This is so much for someone to have to deal with.

So you look back at this one person who you felt so strongly about and are emphasising that time in your life. Do you feel that things would be different now more loving if you had stayed with this man. The thing is that relationship was never going to work out, he told you that. At some point you have to accept that.

You really need to carve out time to see a therapist now. You have a career, you have children, you have good things in your life. You would do better to focus on the things that bring moments of happiness to your life. If your husband is not nice then work with a therapist to move on and get a healthier life for yourself. However whats happening now is not because of this one decision in life with the abortion, it's numerous things that over time will wear you down unless you get more help.

And for the record the anonymous internet do not think you are disgusting. Stop and think about it for a minute. For the people that are rude to you here they are the disgusting ones, to try to bring someone down when they are hurting, that's disgusting.

[Anonymous]

NP-that PP is the most cogent, constructive yet still straight and kind post that I have ever read.

[Anonymous]

I think OP still has feelings for this guy... which is sad honestly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there is something significantly wrong with you, psychologically. You have a family. This happened 20 years ago. You should have let it go by now and I say this as someone in almost exactly the same situation but I am not carting around and picking over my regrets. I do think about it but its not what makes my life now, its the people who are here, not those who have gone.

People have very different reactions to an abortion and those differences are ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

...

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

WHOAH. Talk about burying the lede. The problem isn't the abortion you had 20 years ago. The problem is that your husband thought it was okay to make his pregnant wife "feel like dirt" about it, and that you don't see that's a problem.

Use your counseling dollars to deal with this, not the long-past abortion that's become the focal point of your unhappiness.

This. Your husband is a jerk, you are generally unhappy and how you are fantasizing about how your life might have turned out better if you had married the old boyfriend. Your issues aren’t about the abortion - I think they are about thinking your life would be better if you were married to your old boyfriend rather than your current husband. Dredging this up with your old boyfriend will accomplish nothing except make him feel bad and make you feel worse.

I agree with the previous advice - I really do think you need a new and current therapist to work through these issues. Dealing with your current issues rather than putting the blame for why you are unhappy on the wrong place has more potential to helping you than this really (really) bad idea of using this to reconnect with your old boyfriend.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Ignorance is bliss, OP. Marvel at what you have, forgive yourself about the abortion and move on from your thoughts about what life would have been with him.

[Anonymous]

OP the 20:41 post is right on.

Please take care of yourself. Your issues will not be changed at all by telling your ex-boyfriend. The abortion issues are about YOU, not him. You wanting to tell him is about you, not him.

Please be optimistic and positive. It sounds like you have a great many excellent aspects to your life. Lean in to those.

[Anonymous]

OP, you could consider meeting other post-abortive women through Project Rachel. I am so sorry for your pain, OP. I wish you healing and peace.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP. For the record, I think what you did was brave and probably what I would have done in your shoes too. Early 20s is too early to have children, and marrying just because of a pregnancy is not ideal either. I am not sure how far along you were, but look at it that way: terminating at 5-6 weeks, which is really 3-4 weeks after conception, is not substantially different from preventing implantation with a copper IUD for example. In other words, you terminated a very early stage of life, just a few thousands cells more developed than an egg that remains unfertilized/un-implanted. There were no thoughts or feelings in that being; there was just potential, the same potential that goes down the toilet with your period every month. Sorry to be blunt about this, and I am sure the pro-lifers would hate me for using those terms, but scientifically this is the truth.

The world's population is pushing 8 billion. The last thing we need is more children born to parents who aren't ready for them.

I am sure you love your children, and if you hadn't had the abortion, you wouldn't have them now. Your life would be different. Who knows if you and that ex would have stayed together, given that you weren't ready for a commitment at the time. That child could have been special needs and put a strain on you both. That fetus could have miscarried. There are so many scenarios of what could have been. Why torture yourself with those? Focus on your current life and kids. We all make mistakes and have regrets, no one is immune. It sounds to me like you have a full life. Enjoy that, enjoy the present.

[Anonymous]

Did not read the full thread. I think is not the issue of abortion. The issue is that you felt rejected by the boyfriend. Not ok to share with him because there is nothing he can do about it and he let it you while you are still carrying a torch for the person he was when he rejected you. Let it go because you are sounding unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

To clarify, I do not currently have a therapist that is recommending this course of action. These were the consistent recommendations of 6 or so different therapists (and a priest) over the course of, say, 3 years after the abortion. Since that time, I have married, had children and have a very demanding career, employees who rely on me for guidance (plus now homeschooling on top of that). There has been no time for my own therapy. I think the reason that the therapists were suggesting truth is to help me be "seen". I don't know what a therapist would say now if I brought it up.

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

Re: mental stability. I am aware that I suffer from severe depression and that is why I take medication, so that I can get up every day and go to work, take care of my children, be a productive member of society, etc. From the outside in, people I know would describe me as 100 pct together, someone who manages home and work successfully. I would never disclose to anyone but the anonymous internet how I feel inside, especially now that I have discovered that even the anonymous internet is fairly disgusted with me. I know that I had problems before I met him. I had a difficult childhood - emotionally absent and narcissistic parents (at least this is what the therapists that I worked with said based on reviewing my background).

Re: my expectations for his reaction. I wasn't expecting to get a reaction, nor was I expecting to to talk in person or on the phone. The most I was considering was sending an email so that I knew I had made an attempt to be truthful and confront my fear.

Re: the length of my post. Yeah, sorry. I have never written any of this down so haven't developed the Cliff's Notes version.

First, you need a good therapist because it sounds like your husband is not kind or understanding, and you need to talk to someone. Second, you are not a horrible person, far from it. You were young and inexperienced and deeply in love with someone who did not love you in the same way. You made what you thought was the best choice under the circumstances. Life is not black and white. Please forgive yourself, forgive and comfort the young woman inside of you who is still confused, hurt and guilty. God gave you another chance to be a mom, focus on being a stable and happy presence in their life rather than focusing on the past.

[Anonymous]

OP you sound like you have way bigger emotional and mental health issues than an abortion and some guy you dated a few months in your twenties. No one suffers like that for 20 years. Please get more help:

[Anonymous]

You should also leave the Catholic Church. I mean that kindly but the guilt priests and your husband and the patriarchy of the Catholic Church is evil.

[Anonymous]

I read the first 6 lines and realized how long the post was with NO PARAGRAPH BREAKS. How did you graduate from high school English?

[Anonymous]

I have such compassion for you, OP. If I were you I would not share information that I knew could not be acted upon and would only bring sadness. I actually think your main task is to forgive yourself for the difficult decisions you made that were understandable but have made you a lonely prisoner of regret. I think it would be far more constructive to tell your DH that his reaction to your abortion deepened your emotional damage. Unlike your first boyfriend, your DH is in a position to do something about it, even if it is only apologizing. Please forgive yourself as well for not having demanded better treatment from your DH. The chains of guilt caused you to see his disappointment (including the lack of sympathy that led him to express it that way) as reasonable, even deserved.

You are strong, beautiful in spirit, and worthy not only of Christ's love but esteem and joy here on Earth.