Disclosing abortion to past boyfriend

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06/12/2020 12:58

Subject: Disclosing abortion to past boyfriend

quote

Anonymous

I wasn't sure where to put this, but trying Relationship. When I was in my early twenties, right around college graduation, I got pregnant when I was dating someone for a very short time (less than 3 mos). I was head over heels for him and interested in pursuing a serious relationship (like planning jobs and post-graduate education around each other). He felt very strongly that we should pursue post-graduate education and other opportunities without being limited in any way. He said that if he made choices based on a relationship and later did not attain his professional goals, he would be resentful. I was frustrated but hoped that we would continue to date as we also went our separate ways with graduate school, etc. That is when I found out I was pregnant. I struggled immensely with the information and felt guilty (I had forgotten to take a few birth control pills and while we were also using condoms, one broke a few weeks after I had missed several days of pills. Afraid of admitting that I had missed a few pills, I lied and said that I had not missed any. I pursued getting a morning after pill the morning after the breakage, but clearly it did not work). I felt very confused, and like I would be ruining his life and trapping him in a life he didn't want at that time if I told him. I am fairly certain that he would have eventually come around to making a decision to keep the baby because of his religious beliefs. So, I enlisted a friend to take me and had the abortion. I immediately regretted it and pretty much fell apart, and have been in counseling and on anti-depressants for the 20+ years since, and diagnosed with PTSD. Probably partly because of my bizarre behavior after the abortion - I mean, I was naive to think that I could undergo a major life event and then carry on as if it didn't happen - - we ended up breaking up after about another year of dating long-distance. He still was not ready for such long term commitment. He wanted to keep in touch and be friends but it was too painful for me, so I cut all ties. I learned that he eventually married and they have children, and he did it all on the timeline that he specified he wanted (i.e. met career and education milestones before committing to marriage/kids). I married as well, and have children. Things are easier now, but the abortion and its aftermath was the defining event of my life. There is the before me and the after me. I suffered immensely and experienced much of that suffering alone as the few friends that I told were not sympathetic as they thought that I should have told him. In many years of therapy, various therapists suggested that I have problems with trust and intimacy and honesty based on childhood trauma, and that I have a pattern of cutting ties with people when things get tough. As part of processing the trauma of the abortion, therapists thought that I should contact him and tell him (and try to forgive myself). Now that I am in my mid-40s, I am really trying to make improvements with my ability to deal with intimacy and honesty. I don't know that I would even be able to get good contact info. but I have thought about trying to get in contact with him (unfortunately, the only thing I have is his address - oddly, we ended up in different suburbs of the same city - and I certainly don't want to negatively impact his wife or children- the only way I would contact him if if I could find an email address for him). But I am still feeling the same things I felt when I was pregnant. I would be sharing disturbing information with him, and while it may take weight off of my shoulders to finally have the courage to be 100 pct honest with someone regardless of their reaction, is it fair to put weight on his shoulders, especially so long after the fact? But then again, I have to admit that I am mad! He got to sail off and have a great few decades exactly as he had planned while I suffered debilitating depression and intrusive thoughts. On paper, I had had a lot of successes professionally and of course I love my kids, but my life has always been tinged with sadness. The thoughts have gotten less intrusive, but there is never a time when too much time passes and I don't think about how old the baby would be, what he/she would look like, what it would be like to have a child almost 20 years old at this point - an adult! And I wonder if we would have stayed together and be a happy family. I never found anyone that I felt as strongly about as I did him. I just can't let it go and can't stop beating myself up for making naive and poor decisions. But is it fair to make someone else hurt because I am hurting? Being in quarantine has given me much time to think and i really want to make improvements in my life and this is one that I promised therapists over the years that I would do - i.e. communicate the difficult truth - but now that so much time has passed, is it really an improvement vs. trying to apply intimacy and honesty in the future. Any thoughts that DCUM has on the topic? Please be kind. I have spent 20 years berating myself. I know it was wrong not to tell him. I am trying to figure out next steps.