Reply to Disclosing abortion to past boyfriend

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

To clarify, I do not currently have a therapist that is recommending this course of action. These were the consistent recommendations of 6 or so different therapists (and a priest) over the course of, say, 3 years after the abortion. Since that time, I have married, had children and have a very demanding career, employees who rely on me for guidance (plus now homeschooling on top of that). There has been no time for my own therapy. I think the reason that the therapists were suggesting truth is to help me be "seen". I don't know what a therapist would say now if I brought it up.

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

Re: mental stability. I am aware that I suffer from severe depression and that is why I take medication, so that I can get up every day and go to work, take care of my children, be a productive member of society, etc. From the outside in, people I know would describe me as 100 pct together, someone who manages home and work successfully. I would never disclose to anyone but the anonymous internet how I feel inside, especially now that I have discovered that even the anonymous internet is fairly disgusted with me. I know that I had problems before I met him. I had a difficult childhood - emotionally absent and narcissistic parents (at least this is what the therapists that I worked with said based on reviewing my background).

Re: my expectations for his reaction. I wasn't expecting to get a reaction, nor was I expecting to to talk in person or on the phone. The most I was considering was sending an email so that I knew I had made an attempt to be truthful and confront my fear.

Re: the length of my post. Yeah, sorry. I have never written any of this down so haven't developed the Cliff's Notes version.  [/quote]

First, you need a good therapist because it sounds like your husband is not kind or understanding, and you need to talk to someone. Second, you are not a horrible person, far from it. You were young and inexperienced and deeply in love with someone who did not love you in the same way. You made what you thought was the best choice under the circumstances. Life is not black and white. Please forgive yourself, forgive and comfort the young woman inside of you who is still confused, hurt and guilty. God gave you another chance to be a mom, focus on being a stable and happy presence in their life rather than focusing on the past.

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