Disclosing abortion to past boyfriend

[Anonymous]

OK, it’s still isn’t quite clear what you’re hoping to accomplish by reaching out to him and telling him. What are you hoping to accomplish by doing this?

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. One more thing. The year was 1998. Getting a morning after pill required a doctor's prescription at the time. I had to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood before I could get the pill. By the time I made the appointment, arranged transportation to get there, etc., it was about 24 hrs. later. I believe the morning after pill became more available after that time (I have never needed it since).

[Anonymous]

Another vehement NO for reaching out to the boyfriend. Please get help. You do not sound okay, and you need to move past this and get on with your life. I read your post several times because it sounded so much like someone I know - she has nurtured the trauma of an abortion/bad boyfriend for more than 20 years and let it consume her life until she is now a full-blown unemployed alcoholic in her late 40s. It is so sad that this has been allowed to fester until it has literally ruined her life and health.

As a wise person posted upthread- the boyfriend knew you were on the pill and also used condoms and obviously did not want a child at that stage in his life. As the woman, the decision was yours to make and there is no way to know how things might have turned out differently or better. Please get the help and tools you need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Get a new therapist. Do not contact this guy - you will not get the closure you are looking for. He got married and had kids on the timeline that he was upfront with you about, and that makes you unhappy. Also, you probably didn’t break up because of your behavior that he wasn’t paying attention to 100s or 1000s of miles away. You broke up because that’s generally what happens in LDRs. I think you are living in an alternate fantasy world where you think that somehow you guys would have ended up together “if only”. He just wasn’t that into you, and he was never going to marry you.

I think it’s really sad that a marriage and LIVE CHILDREN later, an abortion is THE defining event in your life.

Please, please get some help.

[Anonymous]

I mean this as delicately as possible, but when you say you've been in counseling, do you mean with a licensed counselor or with an actual MD or PhD?

If it's the first, please seek help from one of the latter two.

I'm a Psychiatrist and receive a lot of patients who have been receiving antidepressants from their primary care physicians and then seeing someone like a licensed counselor in order to go the cheaper route. I get that therapy is expensive, but having once doctor who can control your meds and check in with your mental health is very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. One more thing. The year was 1998. Getting a morning after pill required a doctor's prescription at the time. I had to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood before I could get the pill. By the time I made the appointment, arranged transportation to get there, etc., it was about 24 hrs. later. I believe the morning after pill became more available after that time (I have never needed it since).

It would have worked fine after 24 hours and your doctor would have told you this. The disorganization (forgot multiple pills, couldn't get organized to get plan B, lied to boyfriend) is a classic sign of mental illness that was going on before you ever got pregnant. It's definitely for the best that you did not become a mother at that time in your life. Please work with a good therapist to address your issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

To clarify, I do not currently have a therapist that is recommending this course of action. These were the consistent recommendations of 6 or so different therapists (and a priest) over the course of, say, 3 years after the abortion. Since that time, I have married, had children and have a very demanding career, employees who rely on me for guidance (plus now homeschooling on top of that). There has been no time for my own therapy. I think the reason that the therapists were suggesting truth is to help me be "seen". I don't know what a therapist would say now if I brought it up.

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

Re: mental stability. I am aware that I suffer from severe depression and that is why I take medication, so that I can get up every day and go to work, take care of my children, be a productive member of society, etc. From the outside in, people I know would describe me as 100 pct together, someone who manages home and work successfully. I would never disclose to anyone but the anonymous internet how I feel inside, especially now that I have discovered that even the anonymous internet is fairly disgusted with me. I know that I had problems before I met him. I had a difficult childhood - emotionally absent and narcissistic parents (at least this is what the therapists that I worked with said based on reviewing my background).

Re: my expectations for his reaction. I wasn't expecting to get a reaction, nor was I expecting to to talk in person or on the phone. The most I was considering was sending an email so that I knew I had made an attempt to be truthful and confront my fear.

Re: the length of my post. Yeah, sorry. I have never written any of this down so haven't developed the Cliff's Notes version.

OP...telling him 3 years later and 20+ years later are completely different things. You know that, right? And then you planned on dropping this bomb in an email? Find a therapist. You can carve out 30 minutes a week for a phone/video session.

[Anonymous]

Your clarification makes it clear that you are, or were, religious too. It seems like a lot of your guilt is rooted there. Maybe that is something that you could investigate with a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry your husband was such a schmuck when you told him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a new therapist. Do not contact this guy - you will not get the closure you are looking for. He got married and had kids on the timeline that he was upfront with you about, and that makes you unhappy. Also, you probably didn’t break up because of your behavior that he wasn’t paying attention to 100s or 1000s of miles away. You broke up because that’s generally what happens in LDRs. I think you are living in an alternate fantasy world where you think that somehow you guys would have ended up together “if only”. He just wasn’t that into you, and he was never going to marry you.

I think it’s really sad that a marriage and LIVE CHILDREN later, an abortion is THE defining event in your life.

Please, please get some help.

This is the OP. I meant defining as in permanently breaking me (or at least that is how I feel). Prior to that, I had challenges due to my early family life but I was overcoming them and attending an elite institution of higher learning, and looking forward to the future. I remember thinking that my life was over afterwards. I've built a lot back up and there is a lot to make me happy and proud both professionally and personally. But I do fantasize about the what ifs and often feel very removed, like an onlooker in my own life. I do realize that I need help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. One more thing. The year was 1998. Getting a morning after pill required a doctor's prescription at the time. I had to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood before I could get the pill. By the time I made the appointment, arranged transportation to get there, etc., it was about 24 hrs. later. I believe the morning after pill became more available after that time (I have never needed it since).

It would have worked fine after 24 hours and your doctor would have told you this. The disorganization (forgot multiple pills, couldn't get organized to get plan B, lied to boyfriend) is a classic sign of mental illness that was going on before you ever got pregnant. It's definitely for the best that you did not become a mother at that time in your life. Please work with a good therapist to address your issues.

Yes, I was very disorganized. I was diagnosed with adult ADHD later on and finally understood why, in so many situations in the past, I could't get it together for such a long time. It wasn't a thing when I was growing up and it usually missed anyways in girls, especially academically successful ones. I take ADHD meds now as well and it has made a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. One more thing. The year was 1998. Getting a morning after pill required a doctor's prescription at the time. I had to get an appointment at Planned Parenthood before I could get the pill. By the time I made the appointment, arranged transportation to get there, etc., it was about 24 hrs. later. I believe the morning after pill became more available after that time (I have never needed it since).

It would have worked fine after 24 hours and your doctor would have told you this. The disorganization (forgot multiple pills, couldn't get organized to get plan B, lied to boyfriend) is a classic sign of mental illness that was going on before you ever got pregnant. It's definitely for the best that you did not become a mother at that time in your life. Please work with a good therapist to address your issues.

I have to agree. OP I'm a recovered Catholic too so I understand the mindf*ck it can create but I don't think that your reaction to this abortion 20 years later is reasonable. If you had not had that abortion, your entire life would have changed. Your current children would not exist. Do you regret them? Then let go of the regret about the abortion. It happened, whether it was a mistake or not. The relationship was still in the head over heels phase - 3 months in is not a clear picture of what it would have been (or if it could have lasted) longer term. You are romanticizing it to the point of doing your current marriage a disservice. If you think your DH was upset when you told him about getting an abortion years before you met, I don't understand why you cannot understand how much worse it will be for this long-ago ex, who will be much more personally affected.

[Anonymous]

Op, there is a BIG difference between telling him in the first 3 years and telling him 20 years later. I've also had an abortion so I do get it.

But 20 years later, it should not be impacting you this much. You need to have your husband step up and take over some things so you can get therapy. No excuses. You need to do this for you. There is no reason you can't carve out 1 hr a week (I like online therapy) to help yourself

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your clarification makes it clear that you are, or were, religious too. It seems like a lot of your guilt is rooted there. Maybe that is something that you could investigate with a new therapist.

This is the OP. I am not religious and pro-choice. A friend that I had confided in didn't know how to help me and took me to see her priest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry your husband was such a schmuck when you told him.

Me, too. I had an abortion in college - which I do not regret, like 95% of women who have had abortions - and did tell my husband, while we were dating. He was awesome.