Disclosing abortion to past boyfriend

[Anonymous]

OP. Write him a letter. Revise it. Perfect it. But you don't have to send it. But get all our feelings out. Write your baby a letter, too. Apologize to him/her. And it's OK. I know you are truamatized. But you are OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no way it will end well. Either he'll be kind to you and full of remorse about what could have been, and it will be painful for you. Or he will be happy and cavalier to have dodged that bullet, and it will be painful for you.

Regardless, the source of your contentment and happiness will not come from him. YOu need to focus on yourself, your husband, your children, and the other parts of your life that are REAL NOW, not made up of memories and fantasies.

Or he will be furious that you killed his child, violating his religious beliefs, without talking to him about it. Resenting the favor you felt you were doing him and blaming him for how your unilateral decision negatively affected your life will not elicit his sympathy.

This is not closure. This is seeking revenge against him for being happy while your unilateral actions have contributed to your misery.

I am truly sorry for the suffering you've experienced. However, I think it's important whenever possible to forgive those who have wronged us, for our own sake if not for theirs. He didn't wrong you. Please try and forgive him so that you can move on, for your sake.

I think you've had some good suggestions here about writing and burning /discarding a letter to him. That might be a path toward closure. I agree with others that if your counselor is recommending you intentionally hurt someone to feel better, you need to find a new counselor.

[Anonymous]

Sorry you've gone through this. I recommend NOT contact him, no good can come of it at this point. Please take care of yourself and connect with your therapist.

[Anonymous]

You are so mentally unstable. Please do not contact this guy. Does your husband know you have so many issues? More power to that man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way it will end well. Either he'll be kind to you and full of remorse about what could have been, and it will be painful for you. Or he will be happy and cavalier to have dodged that bullet, and it will be painful for you.

Regardless, the source of your contentment and happiness will not come from him. YOu need to focus on yourself, your husband, your children, and the other parts of your life that are REAL NOW, not made up of memories and fantasies.

Or he will be furious that you killed his child, violating his religious beliefs, without talking to him about it. Resenting the favor you felt you were doing him and blaming him for how your unilateral decision negatively affected your life will not elicit his sympathy.

This is not closure. This is seeking revenge against him for being happy while your unilateral actions have contributed to your misery.

I am truly sorry for the suffering you've experienced. However, I think it's important whenever possible to forgive those who have wronged us, for our own sake if not for theirs. He didn't wrong you. Please try and forgive him so that you can move on, for your sake.

I think you've had some good suggestions here about writing and burning /discarding a letter to him. That might be a path toward closure. I agree with others that if your counselor is recommending you intentionally hurt someone to feel better, you need to find a new counselor.

Nah. He prob won’t reply. He was having sex with her and never bothered to find out what was going on. The evidence suggests he really wasn’t invested the way she was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way it will end well. Either he'll be kind to you and full of remorse about what could have been, and it will be painful for you. Or he will be happy and cavalier to have dodged that bullet, and it will be painful for you.

Regardless, the source of your contentment and happiness will not come from him. YOu need to focus on yourself, your husband, your children, and the other parts of your life that are REAL NOW, not made up of memories and fantasies.

Or he will be furious that you killed his child, violating his religious beliefs, without talking to him about it. Resenting the favor you felt you were doing him and blaming him for how your unilateral decision negatively affected your life will not elicit his sympathy.

This is not closure. This is seeking revenge against him for being happy while your unilateral actions have contributed to your misery.

I am truly sorry for the suffering you've experienced. However, I think it's important whenever possible to forgive those who have wronged us, for our own sake if not for theirs. He didn't wrong you. Please try and forgive him so that you can move on, for your sake.

I think you've had some good suggestions here about writing and burning /discarding a letter to him. That might be a path toward closure. I agree with others that if your counselor is recommending you intentionally hurt someone to feel better, you need to find a new counselor.

Let's get this straight, Science says she did not "kill his child"

You are a complete moron. How dare you judge her??? Not your business Pro Choice is exactly what it says it is!!!! Stop being a horrible human being during the pandemic just for five minutes.

OP please call a therapist. Obviously you need to talk to someone right now. We all on this thread want you emotionally healthy and are thinking good thoughts for you.

Do not contact the man. This was a blip in your life, good bad or indifferent it is in your past and you need help with whatever is bothering you currently.

Please take other posters advice if you need to write a letter burn it. And again please get help. Nothing at all wrong with asking for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way it will end well. Either he'll be kind to you and full of remorse about what could have been, and it will be painful for you. Or he will be happy and cavalier to have dodged that bullet, and it will be painful for you.

Regardless, the source of your contentment and happiness will not come from him. YOu need to focus on yourself, your husband, your children, and the other parts of your life that are REAL NOW, not made up of memories and fantasies.

Or he will be furious that you killed his child, violating his religious beliefs, without talking to him about it. Resenting the favor you felt you were doing him and blaming him for how your unilateral decision negatively affected your life will not elicit his sympathy.

This is not closure. This is seeking revenge against him for being happy while your unilateral actions have contributed to your misery.

I am truly sorry for the suffering you've experienced. However, I think it's important whenever possible to forgive those who have wronged us, for our own sake if not for theirs. He didn't wrong you. Please try and forgive him so that you can move on, for your sake.

I think you've had some good suggestions here about writing and burning /discarding a letter to him. That might be a path toward closure. I agree with others that if your counselor is recommending you intentionally hurt someone to feel better, you need to find a new counselor.

Let's get this straight, Science says she did not "kill his child"

You are a complete moron. How dare you judge her??? Not your business Pro Choice is exactly what it says it is!!!! Stop being a horrible human being during the pandemic just for five minutes.

OP please call a therapist. Obviously you need to talk to someone right now. We all on this thread want you emotionally healthy and are thinking good thoughts for you.

Do not contact the man. This was a blip in your life, good bad or indifferent it is in your past and you need help with whatever is bothering you currently.

Please take other posters advice if you need to write a letter burn it. And again please get help. Nothing at all wrong with asking for help.

You realize that that pp was illustrating how some religious people would view the abortion, right? No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wasn't sure where to put this, but trying Relationship. When I was in my early twenties, right around college graduation, I got pregnant when I was dating someone for a very short time (less than 3 mos). I was head over heels for him and interested in pursuing a serious relationship (like planning jobs and post-graduate education around each other). He felt very strongly that we should pursue post-graduate education and other opportunities without being limited in any way. He said that if he made choices based on a relationship and later did not attain his professional goals, he would be resentful. I was frustrated but hoped that we would continue to date as we also went our separate ways with graduate school, etc. That is when I found out I was pregnant. I struggled immensely with the information and felt guilty (I had forgotten to take a few birth control pills and while we were also using condoms, one broke a few weeks after I had missed several days of pills. Afraid of admitting that I had missed a few pills, I lied and said that I had not missed any. I pursued getting a morning after pill the morning after the breakage, but clearly it did not work). I felt very confused, and like I would be ruining his life and trapping him in a life he didn't want at that time if I told him. I am fairly certain that he would have eventually come around to making a decision to keep the baby because of his religious beliefs. So, I enlisted a friend to take me and had the abortion. I immediately regretted it and pretty much fell apart, and have been in counseling and on anti-depressants for the 20+ years since, and diagnosed with PTSD. Probably partly because of my bizarre behavior after the abortion - I mean, I was naive to think that I could undergo a major life event and then carry on as if it didn't happen - - we ended up breaking up after about another year of dating long-distance. He still was not ready for such long term commitment. He wanted to keep in touch and be friends but it was too painful for me, so I cut all ties. I learned that he eventually married and they have children, and he did it all on the timeline that he specified he wanted (i.e. met career and education milestones before committing to marriage/kids). I married as well, and have children. Things are easier now, but the abortion and its aftermath was the defining event of my life. There is the before me and the after me. I suffered immensely and experienced much of that suffering alone as the few friends that I told were not sympathetic as they thought that I should have told him. In many years of therapy, various therapists suggested that I have problems with trust and intimacy and honesty based on childhood trauma, and that I have a pattern of cutting ties with people when things get tough. As part of processing the trauma of the abortion, therapists thought that I should contact him and tell him (and try to forgive myself). Now that I am in my mid-40s, I am really trying to make improvements with my ability to deal with intimacy and honesty. I don't know that I would even be able to get good contact info. but I have thought about trying to get in contact with him (unfortunately, the only thing I have is his address - oddly, we ended up in different suburbs of the same city - and I certainly don't want to negatively impact his wife or children- the only way I would contact him if if I could find an email address for him). But I am still feeling the same things I felt when I was pregnant. I would be sharing disturbing information with him, and while it may take weight off of my shoulders to finally have the courage to be 100 pct honest with someone regardless of their reaction, is it fair to put weight on his shoulders, especially so long after the fact? But then again, I have to admit that I am mad! He got to sail off and have a great few decades exactly as he had planned while I suffered debilitating depression and intrusive thoughts. On paper, I had had a lot of successes professionally and of course I love my kids, but my life has always been tinged with sadness. The thoughts have gotten less intrusive, but there is never a time when too much time passes and I don't think about how old the baby would be, what he/she would look like, what it would be like to have a child almost 20 years old at this point - an adult! And I wonder if we would have stayed together and be a happy family. I never found anyone that I felt as strongly about as I did him. I just can't let it go and can't stop beating myself up for making naive and poor decisions. But is it fair to make someone else hurt because I am hurting? Being in quarantine has given me much time to think and i really want to make improvements in my life and this is one that I promised therapists over the years that I would do - i.e. communicate the difficult truth - but now that so much time has passed, is it really an improvement vs. trying to apply intimacy and honesty in the future. Any thoughts that DCUM has on the topic? Please be kind. I have spent 20 years berating myself. I know it was wrong not to tell him. I am trying to figure out next steps.

do NOT contact your ex. He is not a part of your life anymore, and he nothing to do with your goal of "Communicating Difficult Truth." That is something you can work on with people who are actually in your life.

All you will do it hurt him, and possible devastate him. Why? To ease your own guilt? You took actions you were not proud of (skipping BC pills, having an abortion you regret). You need to deal with these decisions and your regret on your own. Please, leave this man alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way it will end well. Either he'll be kind to you and full of remorse about what could have been, and it will be painful for you. Or he will be happy and cavalier to have dodged that bullet, and it will be painful for you.

Regardless, the source of your contentment and happiness will not come from him. YOu need to focus on yourself, your husband, your children, and the other parts of your life that are REAL NOW, not made up of memories and fantasies.

Or he will be furious that you killed his child, violating his religious beliefs, without talking to him about it. Resenting the favor you felt you were doing him and blaming him for how your unilateral decision negatively affected your life will not elicit his sympathy.

This is not closure. This is seeking revenge against him for being happy while your unilateral actions have contributed to your misery.

I am truly sorry for the suffering you've experienced. However, I think it's important whenever possible to forgive those who have wronged us, for our own sake if not for theirs. He didn't wrong you. Please try and forgive him so that you can move on, for your sake.

I think you've had some good suggestions here about writing and burning /discarding a letter to him. That might be a path toward closure. I agree with others that if your counselor is recommending you intentionally hurt someone to feel better, you need to find a new counselor.

Let's get this straight, Science says she did not "kill his child"

You are a complete moron. How dare you judge her??? Not your business Pro Choice is exactly what it says it is!!!! Stop being a horrible human being during the pandemic just for five minutes.

OP please call a therapist. Obviously you need to talk to someone right now. We all on this thread want you emotionally healthy and are thinking good thoughts for you.

Do not contact the man. This was a blip in your life, good bad or indifferent it is in your past and you need help with whatever is bothering you currently.

Please take other posters advice if you need to write a letter burn it. And again please get help. Nothing at all wrong with asking for help.

You realize that that pp was illustrating how some religious people would view the abortion, right? No?

Yah, PP was responding to the fact that OP mentioned the guy was religious.

[Anonymous]

I'm also caught up in "pursusing Plan B." Did you are did you not actually take Plan B within the time period? It works.

There is a lot of confusing information surrounding that time period. IMO, you need to look at it straight on, be accountable for the decisions you made, and forgive your young self.

[Anonymous]

I’ve responded as if this post was made in good faith, but I am struggling with this part:

I had forgotten to take a few birth control pills and while we were also using condoms, one broke a few weeks after I had missed several days of pills. Afraid of admitting that I had missed a few pills, I lied and said that I had not missed any. I pursued getting a morning after pill the morning after the breakage, but clearly it did not work)

Missed pills, condom broke, “pursued morning after pill but clearly it did not work.”

What does that last part even mean? The wording sounds deliberately vague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way it will end well. Either he'll be kind to you and full of remorse about what could have been, and it will be painful for you. Or he will be happy and cavalier to have dodged that bullet, and it will be painful for you.

Regardless, the source of your contentment and happiness will not come from him. YOu need to focus on yourself, your husband, your children, and the other parts of your life that are REAL NOW, not made up of memories and fantasies.

Or he will be furious that you killed his child, violating his religious beliefs, without talking to him about it. Resenting the favor you felt you were doing him and blaming him for how your unilateral decision negatively affected your life will not elicit his sympathy.

This is not closure. This is seeking revenge against him for being happy while your unilateral actions have contributed to your misery.

I am truly sorry for the suffering you've experienced. However, I think it's important whenever possible to forgive those who have wronged us, for our own sake if not for theirs. He didn't wrong you. Please try and forgive him so that you can move on, for your sake.

I think you've had some good suggestions here about writing and burning /discarding a letter to him. That might be a path toward closure. I agree with others that if your counselor is recommending you intentionally hurt someone to feel better, you need to find a new counselor.

Let's get this straight, Science says she did not "kill his child"

You are a complete moron. How dare you judge her??? Not your business Pro Choice is exactly what it says it is!!!! Stop being a horrible human being during the pandemic just for five minutes.

OP please call a therapist. Obviously you need to talk to someone right now. We all on this thread want you emotionally healthy and are thinking good thoughts for you.

Do not contact the man. This was a blip in your life, good bad or indifferent it is in your past and you need help with whatever is bothering you currently.

Please take other posters advice if you need to write a letter burn it. And again please get help. Nothing at all wrong with asking for help.

OP said she didn't tell the ex because of HIS religious views. If those beliefs would have led him to want to keep the child at the time, it is not a huge leap to think that HE would feel she had killed his child and be upset about it. Based on the info provided by OP, this rection by HIM seems more likely than his kind remorse or a happy cavalier attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're still suffering all these years later. My answer is don't tell him. Just let it go. There's no point. You would track him down just to tell him that 20 years ago you aborted his child. And... that's it. He never had a chance to help decide what to do then and there's nothing he could possibly do now to make you feel better. You made a decision and you still regret it. Forgive yourself and move on.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thanks for those that have responded and been kind. For that that haven't been, I hope that you never experience something that haunts you like this has haunted me. It's not fun.

To clarify, I do not currently have a therapist that is recommending this course of action. These were the consistent recommendations of 6 or so different therapists (and a priest) over the course of, say, 3 years after the abortion. Since that time, I have married, had children and have a very demanding career, employees who rely on me for guidance (plus now homeschooling on top of that). There has been no time for my own therapy. I think the reason that the therapists were suggesting truth is to help me be "seen". I don't know what a therapist would say now if I brought it up.

Re: does my husband know. I disclosed that I had an abortion when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell him that I hadn't disclosed it to the boyfriend. He is aware that I have sought therapy in the past and that I went through difficult times related to that relationship. He made me feel like dirt for having an abortion and said that I should have told him before we got married.

Re: mental stability. I am aware that I suffer from severe depression and that is why I take medication, so that I can get up every day and go to work, take care of my children, be a productive member of society, etc. From the outside in, people I know would describe me as 100 pct together, someone who manages home and work successfully. I would never disclose to anyone but the anonymous internet how I feel inside, especially now that I have discovered that even the anonymous internet is fairly disgusted with me. I know that I had problems before I met him. I had a difficult childhood - emotionally absent and narcissistic parents (at least this is what the therapists that I worked with said based on reviewing my background).

Re: my expectations for his reaction. I wasn't expecting to get a reaction, nor was I expecting to to talk in person or on the phone. The most I was considering was sending an email so that I knew I had made an attempt to be truthful and confront my fear.

Re: the length of my post. Yeah, sorry. I have never written any of this down so haven't developed the Cliff's Notes version.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry your spouse was not more understanding.

I know that telling your old boyfriend will not help. It will simply cause more pain for you because no matter what he does, it will not be good, even in the best of circumstances.

I agree you need to be heard. Have you considered a support group? You're obviously still struggling with the decision to terminate but maybe also other decisions in your life. You don't seem empowered to make the choices you want, rather the choices you feel others want.