Will this wreck my relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.

No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.

No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.

OP: I fear if I do this, he'll just say "I want to be with you." And I'll have to prod.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was elxcited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.

No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.

OP: I fear if I do this, he'll just say "I want to be with you." And I'll have to prod.

That’s the point, OP, you should NOT have to prod.

[Anonymous]

When you see him in person, keep it SHORT. Please stop telling him how much you love him and want to be with him. He knows.

Now it's time to keep it short, and check in about whether you two are on the same page. Make a clear, short ask. Don't debate, don't discuss all night, don't go into your hopes and dreams again--just tell him, "I am looking to {whatever you want, move in, get married} in the next {your time frame}. Does that work for you?"

And that's a yes or no. And if no, he can tell you what does. And if it's not specific, that's your sign to MOVE ON and find someone who wants what you want.

There's nothing wrong with what either of you wants, necessarily. But honestly, it sounds like he's just not that into you. He gives you just what you need to keep you tied in but not what you actually need.

Read the book ATTACHED by Amir Levine about attachment styles.

[Anonymous]

Have this conversation in person not via text.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.

No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.

OP: I fear if I do this, he'll just say "I want to be with you." And I'll have to prod.

Then ask him the followup question.. "and what does that mean... does it mean move into together next week? Next month? Get married? Do you want kids some day? As a woman I have a shorter biological clock than you do, so I need to make some decisions pretty soon in terms where I want to be in a few years."

Get some specifics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.

No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.

OP: I fear if I do this, he'll just say "I want to be with you." And I'll have to prod.

Then ask him the followup question.. "and what does that mean... does it mean move into together next week? Next month? Get married? Do you want kids some day? As a woman I have a shorter biological clock than you do, so I need to make some decisions pretty soon in terms where I want to be in a few years."

Get some specifics.

Absolutely don't do this. When you push him he tells you what you want to hear and then does exactly nothing to move toward the life you want (and he says he wants when you make him say it). This is a script for staying stuck on the same merry-go-round for another 2 years.

Ask him what he wants and when. Then see if his actions line up. And (this is the important part) when they don't, you need to leave.

A guy who doesn't introduce you to anyone in his life for a year doesn't want to marry you. He's treating you like a side piece and you're settling for it, OP. Stop begging him to love you. Stop prodding him to say "me too" to your hopes and dreams. His actions tell you what you need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.

No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.

OP: I fear if I do this, he'll just say "I want to be with you." And I'll have to prod.

Then ask him the followup question.. "and what does that mean... does it mean move into together next week? Next month? Get married? Do you want kids some day? As a woman I have a shorter biological clock than you do, so I need to make some decisions pretty soon in terms where I want to be in a few years."

Get some specifics.

Absolutely don't do this. When you push him he tells you what you want to hear and then does exactly nothing to move toward the life you want (and he says he wants when you make him say it). This is a script for staying stuck on the same merry-go-round for another 2 years.

Ask him what he wants and when. Then see if his actions line up. And (this is the important part) when they don't, you need to leave.

A guy who doesn't introduce you to anyone in his life for a year doesn't want to marry you. He's treating you like a side piece and you're settling for it, OP. Stop begging him to love you. Stop prodding him to say "me too" to your hopes and dreams. His actions tell you what you need to know.

? that's essentially what I stated. Get specifics.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe he really does really want to marry you but his social skills and emotional maturity and executive functioning and really low. Do you want to compensate for those deficiencies for the rest of his life, like you are doing now? Knowing that it will likely hold him back professionally and limit his salary? Knowing that his relationship with his family may also be yours to deal with? Knowing that if you have children they may be similarly impaired, or worse?

[Anonymous]

Either he's just not that into you.

Or he's a low-functioning mess and you will be his social manager and life manager for life.

Go to therapy and try to understand why you would be with someone who has treated you like this. "Love" is a poor excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my god!! Do not move in with this guy without being engaged! That is NOT a good idea. You need to be able to break up with him easily if he doesn’t propose. How old are you both?

Early 30s

Nope. I wouldn’t waste much more time with this guy. I would start dating other people if he doesn’t propose soon. Do not move in without a ring.

What do I do though? Would you all sit him down and start a conversation about it or just wait?

Do not “just wait” That’s a recipe for you to grow bitter and resentful.

You tell him that you want to get married and have a family someday. It’s okay to ask bluntly if he sees that happening with you. Personally, I would have already broken up with him because 2 years is more time than I’d be willing to wait to get engaged.

You’re in your 30’s!!! You shouldn’t date anyone for more than a year without getting engaged. You’re not kids. You should know if you want to be together or not. Stop wasting each other’s time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe he really does really want to marry you but his social skills and emotional maturity and executive functioning and really low. Do you want to compensate for those deficiencies for the rest of his life, like you are doing now? Knowing that it will likely hold him back professionally and limit his salary? Knowing that his relationship with his family may also be yours to deal with? Knowing that if you have children they may be similarly impaired, or worse?

This. Marriage is in sickness and in health. What if you get sick, OP, and need a partner who can handle the pressure and support you and the kods through it? Is he that guy? Or does he mean well but lack the ability? Two years in, you know him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: We were having a conversation via text this afternoon, and I told him I loved him and was really excited about our future together while wrapping up the conversation. He immediately said he was excited too, and that I was his best life. I quickly followed up with, "Do you think we'll take serious steps this year to get that future?" He didn't respond for an hour. We were bantering back and forth, and then this message silenced him for a solid hour. Maybe he went to the store, maybe he needed to respond to an email. I don't know.

He finally said, "I think we will. We can talk about this more later tonight if you want."

Please report back OP.

Any advice for the chat tonight? I know he'll get flustered and annoyed, so I don't see it going well.

Maybe I should just say, "Do you want to actually marry me? If so, when are you planning to do that?"

Here's how I would do it:

You: Here's what I want (list things you want). What do you want? (wait for his response)

It's not something you're going to figure out via text. Sit down face-to-face and talk it all out.

Let us know how it goes.

No. OP, do not say what you want first. Have him share what *he* wants first. And LISTEN and maybe even write it down. If you tell him what you want first, he will just say that he wants the same things.

Then leave. No matter what he says, even if he melts your heart, leave his place. You need to have some time and space to think. Then think. Then decide whether you want to stay with him or leave. If you want to leave, do it then because as previous posters have said, it is harder to do it later.

Good luck and hugs.

OMG! This sounds exhausting!

I would end the relationship just to not have to deal with this level of emotional handholding.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP,

You sound like a loving and kind person so please listen to all the advice on this board. Your story is not special, your story is not unique, you do not love him more than any other sister, friend, colleague, I ever known who has been in your exact situation. You just think your story is different/ special because your man is so “ different” and you understand him so much and that he has all these quirks .....has a hard time with decisions, needs time...have heard them all.

You love HIM; he does not love you ( or at least as wife/ life commitment.) sounds like he cares for you. A story as old as time.

You ask “ how do I let go....I love him” - probably 90% of women/us have been in your shoes. Maybe not as long, maybe not the same age, maybe not the same personality but the one thing I would bet my fortune on is when a man wants you to be “ his” no career, distance, finances, timeframe, personality quirk stops him.

I’m older so I have experienced and seen this scenario way too many times.

You say you love him then own it tonight, tell him, give him YOUR timeline — like a week to decide if you are the one. He has had TWO years. What the hell could you still need to work on as he said.

You may lose him but you will gain your self- respect back. If he lets you walk, he would have let you walk eventually.

Please love yourself more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP,

You sound like a loving and kind person so please listen to all the advice on this board. Your story is not special, your story is not unique, you do not love him more than any other sister, friend, colleague, I ever known who has been in your exact situation. You just think your story is different/ special because your man is so “ different” and you understand him so much and that he has all these quirks .....has a hard time with decisions, needs time...have heard them all.

You love HIM; he does not love you ( or at least as wife/ life commitment.) sounds like he cares for you. A story as old as time.

You ask “ how do I let go....I love him” - probably 90% of women/us have been in your shoes. Maybe not as long, maybe not the same age, maybe not the same personality but the one thing I would bet my fortune on is when a man wants you to be “ his” no career, distance, finances, timeframe, personality quirk stops him.

I’m older so I have experienced and seen this scenario way too many times.

You say you love him then own it tonight, tell him, give him YOUR timeline — like a week to decide if you are the one. He has had TWO years. What the hell could you still need to work on as he said.

You may lose him but you will gain your self- respect back. If he lets you walk, he would have let you walk eventually.

Please love yourself more.

100% OP, you are not alone, as many of us have been there. You will be happier without him, I promise. You deserve that, as hard as that is to believe.