I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

And, now that she wants to keep the baby, it's up to you to help her and for her to help herself and her baby. She probably has no clue how hard this may be, but for whatever reason she's decided this is her path.

Has she told the father? This will be the next hurdle, as many boys want to have sex but don't want to have any babies running around out there or pay child support.

On the positive side OP, a friend of mine in high school got pregnant at the end of senior year. Her parents supported her having the baby, even though the father wanted nothing to do with any of it. The paternal grandparents paid their son's part of child support, she graduated from a local college while living with her parents, and is now a happily married working professional with other kids. Her son is now a handsome young accomplished college graduate. The boys father was a spoiled rotten rich brat who is now in prison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

This.

Keeping a baby without the means to raise it - and expecting that someone else will step in and pick up the slack, at their own expense - is the height of selfishness...

[Anonymous]

She’s 18. She’s an adult. Nobody can tell her to have an abortion. That’s ridiculous. OP simply has to decide how much she wants to help - or not. That’s it.

On the abortion issue, I always find it amazing that those who had one feel the need to cram the idea down somebody else’s throat. That’s great it worked out for you, but come on.

[Anonymous]

And, I am pro-choice. It's a good decision to keep the baby, but everyone (both sets of grandparents and the mom) will have to work super hard to make sure lives turn out well. Would work out better if the dad was involved as well, if he is interested.

[Anonymous]

Didn't realize you were still raising your own kids OP, including a a SN kid. Have you and your dh sat your daughter down to let her know what she and the child's father will be responsible for? Maybe a list with costs would help? Let her know what you are willing to do and what she is on her own to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend’s daughter got pregnant at 17. She had the baby two months after she graduated from high school. She graduated from college, is engaged (not to the baby’s father), and has a really good job. That baby is now seven.

Once the initial shock wore off, they made a solid plan. They insisted she work part time and go to school while they cared for the baby. She lived at home. It wasn’t easy. But with love and support, things turned out ok. I know it feels like the end of the world. It’s not. ((hugs))

Thank you for this advice.

I know at least 10 girls with the same story.

They don't become independent as quickly but eventually they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand the shock and frustration OP. I want to give another perspective based on a family member's experience. My cousin got pregnant at 18, like you, her parents were extremely frustrated and shocked. Both families( of BF and GF) together with my cousin and his BF sat together and had a proper scolding. At that time, both of them were also overwhelmed and thinking of dropping of school and find a job to support their family, since they chose to keep the baby and want to be married. Both set of parents are firm that they both need to finish college and that they will be supported financially. They were expected to do this while raising their child( with support from parents). They got married, and lived with my cousin's parents. After about a year she was pregnant again. Eventually, they ventured into business, my cousin finished college although it took a lot longer than usual, husband did not finish college but was helping with business, Fast forward 15 years later, they now have several businesses, they are still together, although the early years were extremely difficult. They now have a 3rd child and for the first time having the experience of raising the child on their own without either of their parents help. Bottom line is, I think they were very determined to make this work for them and both families helped them out to get there.

It is not a situation that I would chose for myself, but it is a realization that if this happens, it is not the end of the world.

Thank you - this is a different perspective.

I don't understand why they weren't on birth control for the 2nd child. If you are ultra religious, this marrying early and no birth control is explainable. Otherwise it is insane. You need to get to the root of the reason of why she got pregnant (I don't buy the oops the pill failed excuse). They should have been using condoms and birth control.

Moving forward I would insist on an IUD or depo shot before I was to financially support either teen with housing, childcare, tuition or even insurance.

This is great advice. The DD probably has not thought of any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't realize you were still raising your own kids OP, including a a SN kid. Have you and your dh sat your daughter down to let her know what she and the child's father will be responsible for? Maybe a list with costs would help? Let her know what you are willing to do and what she is on her own to do.

I don’t think the PP who said that was OP. Just a PP who was annoyed at everyone assuming that your life can just stop while you help your daughter with her baby in your 40s/50s. It’s also my scenario and I’m not OP either. We are late 40s with a 14-year-old daughter who will be fine, and a 9-year-old son who will never be able to support himself so we are working our asses off to deal with that. He’s the reason I didn’t have any more kids MYSELF. I wouldn’t be jumping up and down to help my daughter have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.

This. Be supportive of her decision. Let her explore all her options: abortion, keeping the baby, adoption. I had friends who terminated and seem to have no lingering regrets. But I also have a SIL and a few mom friends who had babies very young. My SIL didn’t go to college and struggled a lot. I think my MIL’s complete lack of support made it more difficult. The other moms I know all had supportive families and were still able to complete their college degrees. They’re now happily married with successful careers. Life was definitely more stressful in those early years but having supportive parents made it possible for them to stay on course.

Sounds like OP is a struggling single parent herself. So it seems like OP's daughter is destined to follow the path of your SIL rather than your other mom friends.

You sound really uneducated on the subject. There are many resources for her to go to college and be successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't realize you were still raising your own kids OP, including a a SN kid. Have you and your dh sat your daughter down to let her know what she and the child's father will be responsible for? Maybe a list with costs would help? Let her know what you are willing to do and what she is on her own to do.

I don’t think the PP who said that was OP. Just a PP who was annoyed at everyone assuming that your life can just stop while you help your daughter with her baby in your 40s/50s. It’s also my scenario and I’m not OP either. We are late 40s with a 14-year-old daughter who will be fine, and a 9-year-old son who will never be able to support himself so we are working our asses off to deal with that. He’s the reason I didn’t have any more kids MYSELF. I wouldn’t be jumping up and down to help my daughter have one.

But you could still feed her and give her a place to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My good friend’s daughter got pregnant at 17. She had the baby two months after she graduated from high school. She graduated from college, is engaged (not to the baby’s father), and has a really good job. That baby is now seven.

Once the initial shock wore off, they made a solid plan. They insisted she work part time and go to school while they cared for the baby. She lived at home. It wasn’t easy. But with love and support, things turned out ok. I know it feels like the end of the world. It’s not. ((hugs))

Basically, the parents step in and raise the baby while their daughter (or son) works, goes to school and gets launched in life. It's hard but with enough support they can do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't realize you were still raising your own kids OP, including a a SN kid. Have you and your dh sat your daughter down to let her know what she and the child's father will be responsible for? Maybe a list with costs would help? Let her know what you are willing to do and what she is on her own to do.

I don’t think the PP who said that was OP. Just a PP who was annoyed at everyone assuming that your life can just stop while you help your daughter with her baby in your 40s/50s. It’s also my scenario and I’m not OP either. We are late 40s with a 14-year-old daughter who will be fine, and a 9-year-old son who will never be able to support himself so we are working our asses off to deal with that. He’s the reason I didn’t have any more kids MYSELF. I wouldn’t be jumping up and down to help my daughter have one.

But you could still feed her and give her a place to live.

In our 3-bedroom, 1-bath house, that would actually be difficult. But yes.

[Anonymous]

I know FOUR different families who are raising their grandchildren because the “young adult” mom thought she’d rather go live her life without a kid to put a damper on the partying. Just sayin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't realize you were still raising your own kids OP, including a a SN kid. Have you and your dh sat your daughter down to let her know what she and the child's father will be responsible for? Maybe a list with costs would help? Let her know what you are willing to do and what she is on her own to do.

I don’t think the PP who said that was OP. Just a PP who was annoyed at everyone assuming that your life can just stop while you help your daughter with her baby in your 40s/50s. It’s also my scenario and I’m not OP either. We are late 40s with a 14-year-old daughter who will be fine, and a 9-year-old son who will never be able to support himself so we are working our asses off to deal with that. He’s the reason I didn’t have any more kids MYSELF. I wouldn’t be jumping up and down to help my daughter have one.

But you could still feed her and give her a place to live.

And, what? Ignore the newborn crying in the middle of the night or pretend the toddler running around your house ain't your problem?

Of course not. You give them a place to live while the young parents get established in life. It may not be how you envisioned your empty nest years, but life sometimes doesn't turn out the way you would expect.

On a bright note, little ones can be an awful lot of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, now that she wants to keep the baby, it's up to you to help her and for her to help herself and her baby. She probably has no clue how hard this may be, but for whatever reason she's decided this is her path.

Has she told the father? This will be the next hurdle, as many boys want to have sex but don't want to have any babies running around out there or pay child support.

On the positive side OP, a friend of mine in high school got pregnant at the end of senior year. Her parents supported her having the baby, even though the father wanted nothing to do with any of it. The paternal grandparents paid their son's part of child support, she graduated from a local college while living with her parents, and is now a happily married working professional with other kids. Her son is now a handsome young accomplished college graduate. The boys father was a spoiled rotten rich brat who is now in prison.

Uh, no.

OP's daughter is a legal adult. It's not "up to OP" to do ANYTHING. If OP wants to, that's a different story, but she is not obligated.