I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope those of you so 'disgusted' with those of us suggesting, nay, imploring that the teenager have an abortion know that a large number of your female friends, coworkers and even family members have had abortions that you don't know about.

You're casting judgement and it's gross to a lot of people.

Maybe all those posts were deleted, because I haven't read them. The bottom line is that the mother wants to keep her baby, so abortion is not on the table in this particular case.

Most of us have nothing against abortion, PP.

[Anonymous]

You have to give yourself and her some time to process. While exciting, I have no doubt she is under estimating what the reality will be. It's great to hear some positive stories about teen pregnancy, but those are far from the norm.

What about the father who becomes jerk and cuts her off entirely or becomes physically/mentally abusive? Or great he stays involved but gets busy being a typical young adult and doesn't see the baby except for every few weeks. Is she expecting you to up end your life and start helping with childcare physically or financially? Good luck finding a good daycare on a minimum wage salary or a job that has reasonable hours and is flexible/family friendly. How is she paying for college if that's her path? What about the entire friend group who goes off to college, etc and has no time for her any more? How will she pay for healthcare for the baby, diapers, formula, clothes? She needs to get beyond the "cute" and have a real come to Jesus meeting about the reality of having a child without needing much input from her family and his, can she do it, does she want to do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.

This. Be supportive of her decision. Let her explore all her options: abortion, keeping the baby, adoption. I had friends who terminated and seem to have no lingering regrets. But I also have a SIL and a few mom friends who had babies very young. My SIL didn’t go to college and struggled a lot. I think my MIL’s complete lack of support made it more difficult. The other moms I know all had supportive families and were still able to complete their college degrees. They’re now happily married with successful careers. Life was definitely more stressful in those early years but having supportive parents made it possible for them to stay on course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.

This. Be supportive of her decision. Let her explore all her options: abortion, keeping the baby, adoption. I had friends who terminated and seem to have no lingering regrets. But I also have a SIL and a few mom friends who had babies very young. My SIL didn’t go to college and struggled a lot. I think my MIL’s complete lack of support made it more difficult. The other moms I know all had supportive families and were still able to complete their college degrees. They’re now happily married with successful careers. Life was definitely more stressful in those early years but having supportive parents made it possible for them to stay on course.

Sounds like OP is a struggling single parent herself. So it seems like OP's daughter is destined to follow the path of your SIL rather than your other mom friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

PP you replied to. And I don't understand you or others who say that helping raise the baby is not possible. One of my children has special needs. I've already sacrificed years of my life to my kids. I would gladly continue to work to ensure my child and my grandchild have a better chance at a stable future.
I know my parents would have done the same thing for me. I simply can't fathom another approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by taking her to an abortion clinic.

abortion as birth control nice... she is 18, nothing you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD who just turned 18 told me yesterday she is pregnant. I am so heartbroken with this child. I am not sure how to handle this. Anyone with same experience?

You say I love you and I am so excited to meet this new person and I have your back! I am not sure on why people are encouraging her to kill the baby.

because of the opinion their friends would have of their daughter. teen pregnancy only happens to -you know-those types, not us.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. I know that despite our best effort oof kids still make bad decisions. Please sit down with her and lay out the real expenses of the decision to have a child. Rent, childcare, food, Car payment, whatever, etc $$ budget on paper with a grand total of X amount per month she obviously can’t afford.
I can’t say what I would do if I were you but I would be thinking about counseling as well as strongly urging her to terminate the pregnancy.
Yikes. I know more than a few people from high school who had children around 16-18 years old and absolutely NONE of them are thriving or happy. That is a steep mountain to climb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.

This. My Mom has me at 19/20. She may want to keep baby. She may not. But you support her either way. And if she keeps baby you be positive or she will remember that you were not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend's mom once said 'If you ever come home pregnant, remember that I love you and ignore everything I say in the first few hours."


If your DD plans to keep the baby, make sure you set up expectations of what that means for her life (no college, need to get a job, you'll help but you will not be free childcare).

And make her informed of all the options that go exist with the pros and cons of them all. As an adoptee born to a 16 year old, I'm a big supporter of adoption in this case. I'd also try and make more sense of your idea that she wanted to get pregnant (is the father going to school and she was afraid of them breaking up?)

Best of luck

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

Ok you love her
You dote on baby
And you find a positive here. No child should feel unwanted by parent or grandparent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You ask her what she wants to do and you support her through that path. If she wants an abortion, drive her there. If she wants to keep the baby, help her while she gets a college degree.

This. My Mom has me at 19/20. She may want to keep baby. She may not. But you support her either way. And if she keeps baby you be positive or she will remember that you were not.

This. Your daughter just became a fully grown adult and needs to make a decision. You can support her, but she will need to ultimately find her own way. It's come sooner than either of you may want, but here it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by taking her to an abortion clinic.

+1

It's the best decision for everyone.

Agreed.

Except OPd grandchild, of course

OP is she in a relationship with the father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD who just turned 18 told me yesterday she is pregnant. I am so heartbroken with this child. I am not sure how to handle this. Anyone with same experience?

You say I love you and I am so excited to meet this new person and I have your back! I am not sure on why people are encouraging her to kill the baby.

because of the opinion their friends would have of their daughter. teen pregnancy only happens to -you know-those types, not us.

I don't think you get it. Many of us pro-choice folks see the pregnancy as something with the potential to eventually become a baby. It's not a baby as of right now and therefore the pregnant woman and her family take priority, not a tiny cluster of cells that may or may not form into a person some day. So why allow that to happen if it's not going to make the daughter's and the family's life better?

The daughter wants to keep the baby, so that's not an option. I think she's in for a harsh reality check.