I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by taking her to an abortion clinic.

I didn't tell my mom because I didn't know/hadn't come to terms; my naivete. She took me to an abortion clinic. I was 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

I would think about how much you want to help raise the baby and see boundaries now, with lots of love. This will probably destroy her financial future unless you pay for childcare or do it yourself and she needs to know that. Good luck to you both.

This.

[Anonymous]

I'd ask about the "why". Did she want to get pregnant? If so why? Is she trying to hold on to the HS boyfriend? Is she looking for love?

Why does she want to keep the baby? If you are conservative/pro-life, that's one thing. But I'd want reasons, so you can ensure she isn't regretting things later.

How does she invision her future? "I don't know" doesn't cut it here. She will be a mother this year. It's time to figure shit out, then make the best plan for moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by taking her to an abortion clinic.

+1

It's the best decision for everyone.

It seems like it from afar but truthfully like adoption, the decision can have long term effects that can include getting pregnant again within a couple years.
The woman has to want the option of abortion or adoption earnestly otherwise the aftermath of both are serious and are a long path through depression that may not appear at first but is under the surface and eventually comes to the surface and details plans just as much as raising the child would have.

There really is just no good answer. The woman’s life is altered no matter which option she chooses. Life takes a new path and never goes back to before.

[Anonymous]

My good friend’s daughter got pregnant at 17. She had the baby two months after she graduated from high school. She graduated from college, is engaged (not to the baby’s father), and has a really good job. That baby is now seven.

Once the initial shock wore off, they made a solid plan. They insisted she work part time and go to school while they cared for the baby. She lived at home. It wasn’t easy. But with love and support, things turned out ok. I know it feels like the end of the world. It’s not. ((hugs))

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

Ugh...the height of irresponsibility. She's going to have a baby that she can't take care of, and is going to expect her parents to step in and save her-- give her a place to live, raise her child, financially support her and her baby, etc.

Do you save her often? This is why I didn't get pregnant in HS-- I knew I was on my own if that happened. My mom was a single mom and very clear-- "you get pregnant, you figure it out. I can't and won't help."

Suggest you give her a lot of kind words, emotional support, and explain that she's made an adult decision so will need to be an adult now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My good friend’s daughter got pregnant at 17. She had the baby two months after she graduated from high school. She graduated from college, is engaged (not to the baby’s father), and has a really good job. That baby is now seven.

Once the initial shock wore off, they made a solid plan. They insisted she work part time and go to school while they cared for the baby. She lived at home. It wasn’t easy. But with love and support, things turned out ok. I know it feels like the end of the world. It’s not. ((hugs))

Thank you for this advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

Ugh...the height of irresponsibility. She's going to have a baby that she can't take care of, and is going to expect her parents to step in and save her-- give her a place to live, raise her child, financially support her and her baby, etc.

Do you save her often? This is why I didn't get pregnant in HS-- I knew I was on my own if that happened. My mom was a single mom and very clear-- "you get pregnant, you figure it out. I can't and won't help."

Suggest you give her a lot of kind words, emotional support, and explain that she's made an adult decision so will need to be an adult now.

That's how you fail your child, PP, and theirs as well. It's stupid and based on completely twisted, short-sighted principles. If my child became pregnant, I would help her as much as possible. I did not have kids to abandon them in their time of need. I think in terms of family and generational success, so I am invested in my child's and any grandchildren's success. Your mother might not have had the financial and psychological bandwidth to help you, had you become pregnant as a teen, and that's perhaps not her fault, but it doesn't follow that this is a particularly praiseworthy moral position. Quite the opposite. Actually your mother may have tried to scare you straight, but she might very well have helped you to the best of her ability (sounds more likely).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My good friend’s daughter got pregnant at 17. She had the baby two months after she graduated from high school. She graduated from college, is engaged (not to the baby’s father), and has a really good job. That baby is now seven.

Once the initial shock wore off, they made a solid plan. They insisted she work part time and go to school while they cared for the baby. She lived at home. It wasn’t easy. But with love and support, things turned out ok. I know it feels like the end of the world. It’s not. ((hugs))

Thank you for this advice.

...or OP's DD could see that her parents are going to step in and save her (OP said she thinks her DD may have *wanted* to get pregnant if I read that right) and decide to have two or three more kids. OP, I'm not trying to be harsh (I sound like a b#tch), but you need to figure out what happened here...is this an accident from an otherwise responsible kid? Because if this is anything other than an accident, the pp's optimistic story may not apply here.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s really crappy for a teen to expect her mom to financially support her and a new baby. I would never have expected my parents to do that. She sounds like a terrible daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s really crappy for a teen to expect her mom to financially support her and a new baby. I would never have expected my parents to do that. She sounds like a terrible daughter.

Agree. It may be more doable with two parents at home, but OP is already a single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

Ugh...the height of irresponsibility. She's going to have a baby that she can't take care of, and is going to expect her parents to step in and save her-- give her a place to live, raise her child, financially support her and her baby, etc.

Do you save her often? This is why I didn't get pregnant in HS-- I knew I was on my own if that happened. My mom was a single mom and very clear-- "you get pregnant, you figure it out. I can't and won't help."

Suggest you give her a lot of kind words, emotional support, and explain that she's made an adult decision so will need to be an adult now.

That's how you fail your child, PP, and theirs as well. It's stupid and based on completely twisted, short-sighted principles. If my child became pregnant, I would help her as much as possible. I did not have kids to abandon them in their time of need. I think in terms of family and generational success, so I am invested in my child's and any grandchildren's success. Your mother might not have had the financial and psychological bandwidth to help you, had you become pregnant as a teen, and that's perhaps not her fault, but it doesn't follow that this is a particularly praiseworthy moral position. Quite the opposite. Actually your mother may have tried to scare you straight, but she might very well have helped you to the best of her ability (sounds more likely).

OP here - This is all well as said, except the fact that I asked her to be careful and not to get pregnant, drove her to get pills. This was no accident. That's what makes me sad. To me, she is ruining her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

Ugh...the height of irresponsibility. She's going to have a baby that she can't take care of, and is going to expect her parents to step in and save her-- give her a place to live, raise her child, financially support her and her baby, etc.

Do you save her often? This is why I didn't get pregnant in HS-- I knew I was on my own if that happened. My mom was a single mom and very clear-- "you get pregnant, you figure it out. I can't and won't help."

Suggest you give her a lot of kind words, emotional support, and explain that she's made an adult decision so will need to be an adult now.

That's how you fail your child, PP, and theirs as well. It's stupid and based on completely twisted, short-sighted principles. If my child became pregnant, I would help her as much as possible. I did not have kids to abandon them in their time of need. I think in terms of family and generational success, so I am invested in my child's and any grandchildren's success. Your mother might not have had the financial and psychological bandwidth to help you, had you become pregnant as a teen, and that's perhaps not her fault, but it doesn't follow that this is a particularly praiseworthy moral position. Quite the opposite. Actually your mother may have tried to scare you straight, but she might very well have helped you to the best of her ability (sounds more likely).

OP here - This is all well as said, except the fact that I asked her to be careful and not to get pregnant, drove her to get pills. This was no accident. That's what makes me sad. To me, she is ruining her life.

Yeah that would make me sad too. I don’t think she is ruining her life but she is making it a whole lot more difficult. And if she is expecting you to provide childcare, that’s completely unfair of her. Yes parents have to take care of their kids but she isn’t a child anymore and you shouldn’t be expected to sacrifice your life (figuratively speaking) because of her apparently thought-out decisions.

Being helpful = good. Letting your kid take you completely for granted and sacrificing yourself = bad.

So frustrating when you do your best to help kids and they blow it.

[Anonymous]

How does OP’s daughter view this all playing out? Her level of entitlement affects my opinion of her.