I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now that she wants to keep the baby, it's up to you to help her and for her to help herself and her baby. She probably has no clue how hard this may be, but for whatever reason she's decided this is her path.

Has she told the father? This will be the next hurdle, as many boys want to have sex but don't want to have any babies running around out there or pay child support.

On the positive side OP, a friend of mine in high school got pregnant at the end of senior year. Her parents supported her having the baby, even though the father wanted nothing to do with any of it. The paternal grandparents paid their son's part of child support, she graduated from a local college while living with her parents, and is now a happily married working professional with other kids. Her son is now a handsome young accomplished college graduate. The boys father was a spoiled rotten rich brat who is now in prison.

Uh, no.

OP's daughter is a legal adult. It's not "up to OP" to do ANYTHING. If OP wants to, that's a different story, but she is not obligated.

Right. So the alternative is to watch your teenager and newborn grandchild suffer and struggle. That's not really much of a plan is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

OP doesn't "have to" do anything. She can literally tell her DD she is not allowed to live there anymore (depending on exactly where they live, the eviction process might take a while if the daughter refuses to leave) and wipe her hands of the whole situation.

She can also be kind and allow the daughter to live there at a reduced rent rate, but still not provide any other assistance like paying for daycare or watching the baby herself.

She could also be a complete doormat and do everything for the daughter so the daughter isn't in anyway inconvenienced by having a child (like Janelle Evans from Teen Mom 2's mom Barb.) THAT always turns out great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now that she wants to keep the baby, it's up to you to help her and for her to help herself and her baby. She probably has no clue how hard this may be, but for whatever reason she's decided this is her path.

Has she told the father? This will be the next hurdle, as many boys want to have sex but don't want to have any babies running around out there or pay child support.

On the positive side OP, a friend of mine in high school got pregnant at the end of senior year. Her parents supported her having the baby, even though the father wanted nothing to do with any of it. The paternal grandparents paid their son's part of child support, she graduated from a local college while living with her parents, and is now a happily married working professional with other kids. Her son is now a handsome young accomplished college graduate. The boys father was a spoiled rotten rich brat who is now in prison.

Uh, no.

OP's daughter is a legal adult. It's not "up to OP" to do ANYTHING. If OP wants to, that's a different story, but she is not obligated.

Right. So the alternative is to watch your ADULT daughter take care of her responsibilities, That's not really much of a plan is it?

Fixed it for you.

[Anonymous]

Teen pregnancy is the quickest way to poverty for both mother and child. I do not understand the the logic that says that a teenager who was too irresponsible to use birth control effectively, and too irresponsible to limit sexual activity to a solid relationship with someone who would be an effective co-parent, is nonetheless responsible enough to parent another human being. In that situation it is the grandmother who is being asked to start the parenting journey completely over again.
I have a friend who became pregnant at 19. Delayed having an abortion until too late because she thought that boyfriend would step up. He did not. Her mother told her that she would not support her deciding to keep the child, since she believed that her daughter was too immature to care for a child---either emotionally or financially-- and the mother was not willing to become the de facto parent of another child. The mother urged her to consider adoption. The girl was livid that her mother would not financially and emotionally support her but---without financial support available-she chose adoptive parents and did a semi-closed adoption. She returned to school, got her degree, reconciled with her mother, and now is married with other children. You can read the above and think that the mother in that story was exceptionally heartless, or you can read it and think that the mother took the most pragmatic long range view of what would be the likely best future outcomes for both her daughter and her unborn grandchild in terms of ensuring that both would have stable middle class lives and was willing to be temporarily hated by her daughter in order in order to achieve that outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

I love this assumptions that parents of 18 year olds are retired or don't have to work and and can easily drop everything to help raise a baby. When my children are 18, we will still be at least a decade off retirement age, more if we want full retirement benefits. We do not have the financial luxury of taking an early retirement, including early withdrawal penalties on retirement accounts or reduced social security payments, to speed this up.

Also, I'm exhausted from raising my own kids. One of them has special needs and will require at least some support from us longer-term than a neurotypical kid would. And now I'm helping raise an infant on top of a full-time job and special needs care? Not if I value my mental and physical health. Not saying I wouldn't provide the assistance I could, but helping raise the baby is not in the cards.

They would either live with you are the other set of grandparents and you would have to either provide or pay for childcare for your grandchild while the teenagers finished school/got work experience.

OP doesn't "have to" do anything. She can literally tell her DD she is not allowed to live there anymore (depending on exactly where they live, the eviction process might take a while if the daughter refuses to leave) and wipe her hands of the whole situation.

She can also be kind and allow the daughter to live there at a reduced rent rate, but still not provide any other assistance like paying for daycare or watching the baby herself.

She could also be a complete doormat and do everything for the daughter so the daughter isn't in anyway inconvenienced by having a child (like Janelle Evans from Teen Mom 2's mom Barb.) THAT always turns out great.

Well hopefully OP’s daughter is not a violent sociopath attracted to other violent sociopaths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now that she wants to keep the baby, it's up to you to help her and for her to help herself and her baby. She probably has no clue how hard this may be, but for whatever reason she's decided this is her path.

Has she told the father? This will be the next hurdle, as many boys want to have sex but don't want to have any babies running around out there or pay child support.

On the positive side OP, a friend of mine in high school got pregnant at the end of senior year. Her parents supported her having the baby, even though the father wanted nothing to do with any of it. The paternal grandparents paid their son's part of child support, she graduated from a local college while living with her parents, and is now a happily married working professional with other kids. Her son is now a handsome young accomplished college graduate. The boys father was a spoiled rotten rich brat who is now in prison.

Uh, no.

OP's daughter is a legal adult. It's not "up to OP" to do ANYTHING. If OP wants to, that's a different story, but she is not obligated.

Right. So the alternative is to watch your ADULT daughter take care of her responsibilities, That's not really much of a plan is it?

Fixed it for you.

You fixed nothing. Kicking a pregnant teenager out onto the street is a massive parental fail. In Op's case, her daughter went to live with her father. That's fine. As long as the girl and the baby have a roof over their heads and someone to help guide them through this, they'll be as o.k. as they can be. Things have a way of working out even if they don't work out the way you would expect them to.

[Anonymous]

Funny how on this thread an 18 year old is an adult who should be 100% responsible for herself and everything related to her.

So many other threads where 18 year olds are still considered children who need to be guided, supported, and who are seen as financially dependent, emotionally immature etc. Look at all the college threads - parents still do a ton for their 18 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now that she wants to keep the baby, it's up to you to help her and for her to help herself and her baby. She probably has no clue how hard this may be, but for whatever reason she's decided this is her path.

Has she told the father? This will be the next hurdle, as many boys want to have sex but don't want to have any babies running around out there or pay child support.

On the positive side OP, a friend of mine in high school got pregnant at the end of senior year. Her parents supported her having the baby, even though the father wanted nothing to do with any of it. The paternal grandparents paid their son's part of child support, she graduated from a local college while living with her parents, and is now a happily married working professional with other kids. Her son is now a handsome young accomplished college graduate. The boys father was a spoiled rotten rich brat who is now in prison.

Uh, no.

OP's daughter is a legal adult. It's not "up to OP" to do ANYTHING. If OP wants to, that's a different story, but she is not obligated.

Right. So the alternative is to watch your ADULT daughter take care of her responsibilities, That's not really much of a plan is it?

Fixed it for you.

You fixed nothing. Telling an irresponsible adult you are not sacrifice your own life to continually bail her out of bad choices is within your rights. In Op's case, her daughter went to live with her father. That's fine. As long as the girl and the baby have a roof over their heads and someone to help guide them through this, they'll be as o.k. as they can be. Things have a way of working out even if they don't work out the way you would expect them to.

Fixed it again. You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teen pregnancy is the quickest way to poverty for both mother and child. I do not understand the the logic that says that a teenager who was too irresponsible to use birth control effectively, and too irresponsible to limit sexual activity to a solid relationship with someone who would be an effective co-parent, is nonetheless responsible enough to parent another human being. In that situation it is the grandmother who is being asked to start the parenting journey completely over again.
I have a friend who became pregnant at 19. Delayed having an abortion until too late because she thought that boyfriend would step up. He did not. Her mother told her that she would not support her deciding to keep the child, since she believed that her daughter was too immature to care for a child---either emotionally or financially-- and the mother was not willing to become the de facto parent of another child. The mother urged her to consider adoption. The girl was livid that her mother would not financially and emotionally support her but---without financial support available-she chose adoptive parents and did a semi-closed adoption. She returned to school, got her degree, reconciled with her mother, and now is married with other children. You can read the above and think that the mother in that story was exceptionally heartless, or you can read it and think that the mother took the most pragmatic long range view of what would be the likely best future outcomes for both her daughter and her unborn grandchild in terms of ensuring that both would have stable middle class lives and was willing to be temporarily hated by her daughter in order in order to achieve that outcome.

I think that the mother in that story knew her daughter well and knew her own limitations. Adoption was a good choice in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You handle it by taking her to an abortion clinic.

+1

It's the best decision for everyone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny how on this thread an 18 year old is an adult who should be 100% responsible for herself and everything related to her.

So many other threads where 18 year olds are still considered children who need to be guided, supported, and who are seen as financially dependent, emotionally immature etc. Look at all the college threads - parents still do a ton for their 18 year olds.

It's about the parent's CHOICE to help their adult child. No one said the OP can't/shouldn't CHOOSE to help her daughter. But some people are saying that the OP "has to" help her daughter by raising the grandchild or providing the financial means for someone else to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now that she wants to keep the baby, it's up to you to help her and for her to help herself and her baby. She probably has no clue how hard this may be, but for whatever reason she's decided this is her path.

Has she told the father? This will be the next hurdle, as many boys want to have sex but don't want to have any babies running around out there or pay child support.

On the positive side OP, a friend of mine in high school got pregnant at the end of senior year. Her parents supported her having the baby, even though the father wanted nothing to do with any of it. The paternal grandparents paid their son's part of child support, she graduated from a local college while living with her parents, and is now a happily married working professional with other kids. Her son is now a handsome young accomplished college graduate. The boys father was a spoiled rotten rich brat who is now in prison.

Uh, no.

OP's daughter is a legal adult. It's not "up to OP" to do ANYTHING. If OP wants to, that's a different story, but she is not obligated.

Right. So the alternative is to watch your ADULT daughter take care of her responsibilities, That's not really much of a plan is it?

Fixed it for you.

You fixed nothing. Telling an irresponsible adult you are not sacrifice your own life to continually bail her out of bad choices is within your rights. In Op's case, her daughter went to live with her father. That's fine. As long as the girl and the baby have a roof over their heads and someone to help guide them through this, they'll be as o.k. as they can be. Things have a way of working out even if they don't work out the way you would expect them to.

Fixed it again. You're welcome.

You should have kept a tighter leash on your irresponsible teenager if she was, in fact, that irresponsible. If you don't think that she is mature enough to raise a baby and you simply can not deal with raising a child try to talk to her about adoption. Kicking her azz out into the street is no way to handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. She does want the baby, so no abortion. She has been on the pill, the chip and was using condoms at various times. I think she wanted to get pregnant, just not sure why. This is not how she was raised, we are pretty open family.

OK. OP, it's not going to be the easiest path, but it is going to be OK. Have all the feelings. It's OK.

Some really amazing and successful adults I know in my life had babies at 15, 17. This isn't the end of her story by a long shot.

Ugh...the height of irresponsibility. She's going to have a baby that she can't take care of, and is going to expect her parents to step in and save her-- give her a place to live, raise her child, financially support her and her baby, etc.

Do you save her often? This is why I didn't get pregnant in HS-- I knew I was on my own if that happened. My mom was a single mom and very clear-- "you get pregnant, you figure it out. I can't and won't help."

Suggest you give her a lot of kind words, emotional support, and explain that she's made an adult decision so will need to be an adult now.

That's how you fail your child, PP, and theirs as well. It's stupid and based on completely twisted, short-sighted principles. If my child became pregnant, I would help her as much as possible. I did not have kids to abandon them in their time of need. I think in terms of family and generational success, so I am invested in my child's and any grandchildren's success. Your mother might not have had the financial and psychological bandwidth to help you, had you become pregnant as a teen, and that's perhaps not her fault, but it doesn't follow that this is a particularly praiseworthy moral position. Quite the opposite. Actually your mother may have tried to scare you straight, but she might very well have helped you to the best of her ability (sounds more likely).

She is 18 years old and an adult. She decided not to be careful with her Birth control. If she is keeping this baby, she needs a job now. She needs to be the one to figure out daycare, housing and finances. Otherwise this will happen again and OP will have more than one grandchild on her doorstep. It is not OP's absolute job to help her out.

While I understand this is hard and shocking, unless OP's daughter starts growing up now, OP is going to be the parent of her grandchild.

No it's not a moral issue, it's a responsibility issue. An adult issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Funny how on this thread an 18 year old is an adult who should be 100% responsible for herself and everything related to her.

So many other threads where 18 year olds are still considered children who need to be guided, supported, and who are seen as financially dependent, emotionally immature etc. Look at all the college threads - parents still do a ton for their 18 year olds.

It's about the parent's CHOICE to help their adult child. No one said the OP can't/shouldn't CHOOSE to help her daughter. But some people are saying that the OP "has to" help her daughter by raising the grandchild or providing the financial means for someone else to do it.

Yes, this.