Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do

[Anonymous]

10:24 Yes it's biology. Yes the decision is the woman's. Taken together that doesn't mean it doesn't have moral implications for the father who does not want the unplanned child and for the child who comes into this world against the father's wishes.

[Anonymous]

So what would be the alternative you are suggesting PP? If one parent vetoes the existence of a child they can force the other to murder it? Why does his 50% vote for death outweigh my 50% vote for life?

[Anonymous]

Murder is illegal. Abortion is not. Please stop calling abortion murder.

I'm not suggesting an alternative. I don't have one. I merely registered surprise that there was no moral or ethical consideration of the father's wishes in the case of an unwanted pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Hi everyone. OP here.

This thread certainly went off in a whole new direction!

Anyway, I just wanted to update people. I haven't made a decision quite yet. My first OB appointment is next week. I asked the father to fill out a prenatal questionnaire and he was VERY "lawyerly" about it. He would NOT email it to me, so he filled it out by hand and mailed it to me, no return address, and he did not fill in his name or DOB. I think he's a little paranoid -- what do you think?! Sheesh.

He also refuses to discuss any of this in email. He keeps saying he wants to stop by and talk to me in person. I haven't responded to this request because now I AM scared. He doesn't come across as a violent or even aggressive person, but everyone has their limit. If he feels that his livelihood and family are being threatened, he might resort to anything. I know he's not saying anything in email because he doesn't want it traced back to him, which is so completely STUPID when you think about it. I mean, everything he's doing to "protect" himself is pointless. All it would take is some DNA matching. He's making all of these calculated efforts to conceal things in a way that could be traced back to him, when in reality there's only ONE certain way to officially relate the child to him, and it has NOTHING to do with his name on a questionnaire or an email.

What is he thinking? He's a smart guy, too. A lawyer! It's not like it'd be hard to find him. This is not to say I would try to "find him" for anything, though. I am just a little worried about him trying to interfere with my decisions. I think he's also worried that I'm like a ticking time-bomb. Every time he emails or texts me, he tells me how this is making him lose sleep, or how he's worried about how this will affect him. In a way, I kind of wish he would just drop off the face of the Earth at this point.

The way I see it, I don't really think we have much to talk about. If he's not willing to help, what's he trying to do? I think he's trying to monitor the situation to ensure his own protection, to make sure I'm not considering going after him. He's not keeping an eye on me for MY benefit or because he's somehow concerned about me. He's watching out for himself. He throws in the obligatory "how are you feeling" every time, but it never seems sincere. He just repeatedly tells me how HE'S feeling, and how this is affecting HIM, and how HE needs to speak with me, when I don't really want to.

Other than that, I haven't made any decisions. I realize time is of the essence, of course. I would really like to talk to my boss about securing a promotion or getting a sizable raise. I mean, people have these conversations all the time with their bosses, and at least mine LIKES me and doesn't want me to leave. But I cannot stay in this position after I am awarded my degree. She knows that. I know that. We just have to finally sit down and talk about the future. But when? That's the question. An extra $20K at this point would make a world of difference, and I could keep him out of my life entirely.

I don't think he'd ask for custody AT ALL. I get the impression that he and his wife don't have the best marriage, either (shocker). This might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, too. So maybe that's what he's worried about: having to support her, his FOUR children now, and be alone. That's what he's panicking about. I betcha!

So that's that for now. Please stop arguing about biological rights and abortion and all that crap. It's not helping at all and I don't care what people think about that stuff. I am more concerned with the practical aspects of how to do this.

Thanks... will update more later! I am looking forward to my first ultrasound next week! I hope everything is okay. My first 8 weeks have been a little rocky. I feel sick at night, and I am starting to get fatigued. Other than that, I feel okay. The nausea comes in waves, but the actual puking doesn't happen until after 7-8 PM or so. I feel like I'm just getting "thicker" too. My boobs, my waist. It's all changing.

[Anonymous]

NP here. You sound so thoughtful, OP, and you sound like you do really want this baby. It's none of my business and I am strongly pro-choice, but it sounds like you could make it work. I think your baby is lucky to have you already. Please keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP. I was thinking about how you were doing. I am one of the pp's who had a baby on my own. I don't like to admit this, but moving on from the bio-father was the right thing for me to do. Only my name on the birth certificate. Didn't want support. Just moved on. Giving birth to that baby was the smartest thing I ever did, in spite of some pressure to abort from well-meaning friends, and even my employer at the time. Who would have known what an amazing young woman that baby turned into. She's the joy of my life.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update OP. You sound so level headed in the midst of all of this. I wouldn't totally count bio dad out yet, at least he cooperated with getting you the info. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update OP.

My advice. I know it is hard dealing with this guy but it is essential that you figure out what type of relationship you want with him. Not for your sake but for your child. Your child will want (need) to know who his/her father is - this is something that you are not going to be able to ignore. So I think that this is the number one issue you should be discussing with him - what type of relationship he will have with the child. Optimally you can work out a civil working relationship with him.

And I do think you need to protect yourself legally. I know of two separate women who had kids with guys that said they didn't want anything to do with the child - only later to cause problems (one case taking the mother to court for joint custody). At least set up a consultation with a lawyer to discuss this. I think this guy would appreciate something clearly spelling out his obligations (or non-obligations in his case) based upon what you agree to above.

I think you should not meet him in private but a very public setting would be okay. Bring a friend. Or you may want to find a mediator to help you both work this out. I know he doesn't want others involved but the sooner it gets resolved, the better for him. Otherwise you both will continually be going back and forth working on every issue.

I do wish you all the best. You can do this, just take everything one step at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't responded to this request because now I AM scared. He doesn't come across as a violent or even aggressive person, but everyone has their limit. If he feels that his livelihood and family are being threatened, he might resort to anything.

What specifically are you afraid he might do?

[Anonymous]

OP,

What do you want from him? Child support? Or nothing?

I'd meet with him. His offer might stun you. I'd meet in a public place. I would not bring a friend along. Perhaps a friend could be there sitting at the bar or at another table? I doubt he's going to do anything. He's probably only terrified that you're going to blackmail him. Like you're afraid he might harm you.

[Anonymous]

I am just a little worried about him trying to interfere with my decisions.

Also, what do you mean by this? How could he interfere?

[Anonymous]

OP, agree to meet him in a public place where you can have a quiet chat. Tell him you don't have any wish to cause problems with his wife and family. Tell him you will need some quiet financial help though. Do a budget and figure out what that help needs to be. (Earlier I recommended daycare and a used car). When he says he can't do it tell him with a sincere smile you know he's a smart guy and he'll figure it out. Tell him as long as you are able to make ends meet he never has to see or hear from you again.

[Anonymous]

If you decide to become a mommy... congratulations. It will be very hard going it alone, and surrounding yourself with the best, sincerest, positive people you can will be your godsend! Of course, you wee little one will provide you with so much happiness and joy, too.

If you decide not to become a mommy, that is your business. I am a mother who is crazy about her daughter, yet I would not judge you harshly for determining that "now is not the time." Of course, the earlier you make this decision the better for you and the stuff that is slowly emerging into a little person.

It is not easy.

I wish we provided all the support and assistance that my single cousin in France gets. (Her BF died before they were married and baby was born).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I asked the father to fill out a prenatal questionnaire and he was VERY "lawyerly" about it. He would NOT email it to me, so he filled it out by hand and mailed it to me, no return address, and he did not fill in his name or DOB. I think he's a little paranoid -- what do you think?! Sheesh.

He also refuses to discuss any of this in email. He keeps saying he wants to stop by and talk to me in person.

I wouldn't necessarily be scared of him -- his insistence on seeing you in person is probably twofold -- 1) he doesn't want any paper trail that his wife can stumble upon accidentally (or on purpose that you send her w/ his handwriting on it) and 2) he probably judges that he will be more successful influencing you not to go thru w/ the baby or not to come to him publicly about it if he talks with you in person. Even if you already told him you're keeping it, he's probably hoping you will change your mind sometime soon.



What is he thinking? He's a smart guy, too. A lawyer!

He's a lawyer?! Well that means you need a lawyer, ASAP. Do pay for an hour or two consultation to find out what he would owe you in child support; it will probably be far less than you imagine. His being a lawyer puts you in a better position than many moms. Once the child support is determined by the court, he must pay or risk losing his bar license and livelihood. He also can't put himself in a position to lie about his dealings with you on the record, otherwise he is at risk of sanctions before the bar.

In a way, I kind of wish he would just drop off the face of the Earth at this point ....

An extra $20K at this point would make a world of difference, and I could keep him out of my life entirely.

I don't think he'd ask for custody AT ALL.

Get real about this when you think about keeping the baby. Do not base your decision to keep the baby on some naive wish that he will just disappear from your life if you don't wreck his existing family arrangements. For 18 years, this father is going to be a ticking time bomb in YOUR life. Any day he could step forward and ask for visitation and then custody, even if he hasn't seen the child for years. Any day your child could wake up and want to know her father or sue him for back child support. Any day his wife could find out and decide that it's better to have 50% custody of a child whom she can shape and influence rather than no relationship or knowledge about a child who is a loose cannon in her own children's lives. And that 50% custody occurs without any involvement or participation by YOU. And, if it's 50% custody, it occurs without any child support to you. As long as the father hasn't been abusive towards you or the child and doesn't have some demonstrable addiction, any court at any time would give him visitation, at a minimum, upon which he could build a claim for some custody whenever he chooses. When you decide to keep the baby, you should ask yourself if you can really live with a worst-case scenario that the baby is born and the father asks for 50% custody and you get no child support.


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