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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do
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Anonymous
| No advice, but you are courageous and intelligent, and will make the choice that is right for you. Big hug. |
Anonymous
| Sorry but the boss will know she knew she was pregnant at the time she asked for the raise and could feel burned. (I would.) So I'm not sure that's sound advice. |
Anonymous
| OP, how are you doing? You sound like you'd be a really awesome Mom, with an absolutely amazing little baby. Hugs. All it takes is a family *and* a villiage. We are here for you and your precious little one. (I was a single Mother and then married.) Much love to you. |
Anonymous
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Having a child is more demanding that any full-time job. And although moving to the suburbs will save you $$$ in rent and daycare, you will need a car. Using public transportation to transport baby and yourself, run errands etc. will be a huge burden. If you can find a cheaper place with part of the savings going towards a cheap, used car, then you can make it work. Daycare options in the further suburbs (Gaithersburg, MD for example) will run you about $200 a week for in-home care. Your commute into the city would suck. I would also look into some of the programs offered for low income moms - you can go on welfare and get low income subsidized housing. You CAN make it work...but it won't be easy.
I would also consider adoption - there are so many parents out there that desperately want a baby, so finding a good home for yours should be very easy. I know, much easier said than done, but youare in a tough situation. I wish you the best. If you belong to a church, I highly recommend talking to your pastor. |
Anonymous
Why? Does having a child or being pregnant mean people should no longer get raises? If she's just asking for a rise, then plans to leave the company to stay home and take care of the baby full time or something, that'd be one thing, but she's not thinking along those lines. I know people (men) who have gone to their bosses and said basically, "We have a baby on the way, I need to earn a more competitive salary here or look elsewhere. What can you do for me?" |
Anonymous
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Hi, OP HERE.
First, I'd like to thank the vast majority of you who provided constructive and supportive comments, advice, and suggestions. Second, to answer some of your questions, I do not have reliable family members whatsoever. I don't associate with 99% of them and haven't since I was about 22 years old. The only person I remain in semi-regular contact with is my mom, who is emphatically anti-child. She actually sent me a book last year about the benefits of living a "child-free" life. I skimmed through the book again yesterday and it totally depressed me. It made me think about everything I'd have to give up and how banal and exhausting my life will become. I really shouldn't have done that. The only somewhat decent support system I have is two friends who live outside of Boston. They are married and have one son who is 10 months old. She is a SAHM and he works full-time. They make a great living and have a very sizeable home. They know about the pregnancy and offered me and the baby a place to stay if needed. The problem is, I don't think that offer was serious. They are known for making lofty suggestions or brainstorming on unrealistic ideas for things they'd like to do, but since I've know them, they haven't done any of them. There are at least a dozen things I can think of that they just never followed through with. I believe this is one of those situations where they offered just to be polite, then changed the subject entirely, and then never mentioned it ever again. So I don't think it was a serious offer at all. Even if they were serious, which I highly doubt, there is no guarantee that I'd find work in my field up there, and the COL is as high there as it is here. The only advantage is that it'd be free housing, but for how long? The disadvantages seem to outweigh that. I'd be living in their basement, there would be two screaming babies around all the time, I still wouldn't have a car, I wouldn't have any income, I'd have no fallback plan (since they *are* my fallback plan), and it could just not work out. I get along with them fine, don't get me wrong. I could foresee a clash over things like parenting styles, who pays for what, how long I'm allowed to stay, how much time we all spend together, if I ever find a job, what happens if I run out of money, etc. The more daunting aspect of moving back home is the timeline on which I'd have to do it. My current lease expires in August, and I am due August 29. I'd basically have to pack up my apartment in my third trimester, load up a moving truck, drive it to Boston, unload it, come back, deliver, and drive back to Boston with a newborn to live. Also, my landlord is NOT flexible about getting out of leases early. Case in point: a girl I know in the building had to move out two months before her lease expired to move back to Oregon and take care of her mother who was dying of leukemia. The landlord said, "Fine, but I am keeping your security deposit." He told her the only way she could get it back was by subletting, or if she was called to active duty (she wasn't even in the military). I thought that was an incredibly cold thing for him to say. So I'd be out $1200 if I left before August. To answer some questions about the father: it's an ugly situation filled with deception. I dated him for only about two months and everything was fine. Then I told him I was pregnant. His response was, "I'm married and have three young kids." Nice, huh? He told me I'd "blow his life apart" if I tried to come after him for child support. It's been extremely difficult even getting some basic family medical history from him. I've exchanged maybe three emails with him since I told him. His reaction, to say the least, was not enthusiastic. He told me, "This is going to cause me some sleepless nights." There's a nice selfless response for ya! Anyway, part of me thinks he has a point and part of me wants him to pay the consequences. I most certainly don't want to ruin his wife's life or his kids' lives. He's a lawyer too, so I can only imagine the kind of battle I'd face in the courtroom against him. So I'm still not entirely sure what to do. You've made some helpful suggestions and I do appreciate that. I have my first OB appointment on January 18, and it's a federal holiday so I have the whole day off. I guess they are going to do an ultrasound and a physical. I am actually kind of looking forward to seeing the picture. I have no idea what I'll be able to see at eight weeks but he told me they do it at 8, 12, and 20, but I have to go elsewhere for the 20-week. And to answer some of the questions posted about whether or not I genuinely want this baby -- yes, I do. But I am also a pragmatist, a realist. I don't like being broke and worrying about where my next meal is coming from; I don't like living paycheck to paycheck; I don't like that my child would have to make those kinds of sacrifices too. I know I could do it all frugally and responsibly, but I need some kind of reassurance that I could do it without destroying our lives. Thanks everyone. |
Anonymous
Having a Master's degree from a private university and needing welfare does not compute. the salary needs to go up. |
Anonymous
OP HERE. I am a contractor in a federal government office (a small line office in a huge agency). I don't know how promotions work exactly, especially when you're a contractor. I could always ask about becoming a fed. The position I'm in right now is actually a fed position but they needed to fill it quickly so they just hired me as a contractor even though they knew I was way overqualified. They also know that it's highly improbable that I would stay in this position after I am awarded my Master's (I'd seriously be double overqualified then). There are people with Master's and law degrees here who make $100,000 a year and just started. I don't know how I'd determine how much I'm worth here but there are people less qualified than me, in less important positions, making $65-75,000 a year. I think I got the shaft because I'm a contractor. |
Anonymous
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OP, even if he is a lawyer, if the DNA test shows he's the father, he is on the hook. With his income level he could probably help you substantially. Even if he only pays for daycare and a used car for you, that would be an enormous help.
I would tell him that if he can find a way (and I'm sure he can) to quietly agree to help you financially then it never needs to go further then that. If he refuses, you go the full court/attorney route and surely his wife will find out. There are online child support calculators that might be able to give you an idea of what his contribution could be. Don';t let him off the hook. He lied to you and now he's putting you in the position of having to give up your own child, have an unwanted abortion, or become an impoverished parent. He needs to step up. Also, please document all this and tell him you have documented all this so that if you mysteriously disappear, everyone will know what the situation was. I'm not joking. |
Anonymous
OP HERE. I don't know that I could even afford to go the legal route, though. I definitely don't have enough money to hire an attorney. Where do you even begin with seeking child support anyway? And would I still be able to move out of state? I know he wouldn't be able to give me money on the side. I mean, a wife has got to notice that amount of money just missing. I will absolutely consider it if all else fails. My two closest friends already know about all of this, and they know his name and where he works (which is all I know too). This information is in various emails that I've sent them, so most of it is documented. |
Anonymous
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You would be surprised. He is a sneak and a cheat; she didn't notice he was seeing you and having sex with you. How did he finance that? I am sure a sneaky lawyer like him could find a way to slip you $200 a week. He probably spends that much on lunches. Or escorts.
You may want to cross post this in the "off topic" forum. Other moms who are not single but have been there or who are attorneys may be able to help you. Google your state's online child support calculator, see if it has any info on how to file for support. Also, whether you move out of state depends on whether the non custodial parent agrees to let you go. That is part of the legal agreement you make, if you have to go so far as to formalize it.. I imagine he would be delighted! |
Anonymous
Also, re attorney - they could answer many of these questions in your first one-hour consultation. Usually $300. My attorney wanted a $10k retainer but when I asked if I could pay her by the hours she agreed. Also, the father doesn't know that you are not serious about getting a lawyer. Use that as a stick to prompt him to do the right thing by you. If he says "I know you don't have the money" tell him your mom is putting it up since she's so outraged about all this 
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Anonymous
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Are there any pro-life organizations that can help in this situation, without being, well, preachy or coneming the woman involved?
I used to be Catholic -- I'm not any more, and I am very pro-choice. However, I really want people to be able to continue their pregnancies if that's what they want to do. I had heard of the Gabriel Project -- I believe is an interfaith organization dedicated to helping women keep their babies if they want to -- helping then find emotional, financial, and logistical assistance. Maybe legal, too?. Here's an article about the project, OP: http://www.catholic.org/national/national_story.php?id=34368 “In this same statement the bishops said, ‘We renew our offer of assistance to anyone considering abortion: If you are overwhelmed by the decisions you face, if you cannot afford medical care, if you are homeless or feel helpless, whatever your needs, we will help you. The Church and her ministries, inspired by the word and example of Jesus Christ, will help you with compassion and without condemnation.’ More information here: http://www.projectgabriel.net |
Anonymous
11:44/11:49 here again, just can't stop posting  Keep in mind YOU are not ruining anyone's life. YOU thought you were dating a single guy. HE lied to you and them. HE took the risk of ruining his family. While you should proceed with compassion for them, you also need to look out for yourself and your child. Do not own the guilt of ruining his marriage when you were an innocent victim too.
What his wife notices or does not notice about the finances is not your problem either. It's his problem. It sounds like you are leaning towards keeping the child (yay!). The child has a father. Whether he likes it or not he is responsible for the consequences of his choice to have sex with a woman who was not his wife. His problems are not your problems; you are going to have enough problems ofyour own. He doesn't sound as if he is behaving with much concern for you... |
Anonymous
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OP -- I'm the PP (Gabriel project poster) and also the person who posted the SallieMae info.
I will tell you, I'm trying to buck you up and help you find ways to make this work. But if I had been in your position, at age 30, at 6 weeks pregnant, I probably would have ended the pregnancy. There are so many reasons why this isn't the right thing for you right now. Having a baby right now won't ruin your life, but it WILL change it forever -- your life will never be the same, and it will affect future possibilities of meeting someone and getting married, maybe having a few kids whn you are more settled, in even just a few years. I know two friends who ended a pregnancies in their late 20s/early 30s, who then went on to get married and had a family, and they don't seem devastated or distraught by their decision. I do know that they regret that it happened, but they look at their children now and think, if they hadn't made the choice they did then, they woulnd't have the kids that they have now. I know that this is a very tough decision. If I were your friend, I would be supportive of whatever you decided. Just wantedyou to know that. |