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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do
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Anonymous
Uggh. I hate this argument -- "but I might not have another pregnancy." This is the 21st century. Women do not need to be married to have kids. There is adoption, donor sperm, gay friends, whatever. For most people between 30 and 40, getting pregnant is not that difficult. I wish I'd thought about it this way -- I am pregnant now, if I have this baby when I am unprepared financially and without the participation of the father and the family life I want, then I might never have a chance at creating that. If I terminate this pregnancy, then I have a better chance of getting out of my bad relationship, recovering and settling down in a healthier relationship and having a baby in the future in better circumstances. FWIW, I decided not to terminate a pregnancy. I love my child dearly. But, I do think about the life I might have had and the life my (or another) child might have had, had I had an abortion and worked to create better and healthier family structures in my life before trying to get pregnant again. |
Anonymous
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OP, a few thoughts:
1) The dad is legally obligated to pay child support. No ifs, ands or buts. Child support amounts are dependent on your income, his, who has custody, and also on other financial obligations for each person (e.g., the fact that he is already supporting three kids will affect the amount he must pay). To reiterate what others here have said, you did not ruin his life: he's an adult and he knows that when you have sex, pregnancy is a risk. You and your child (if you choose to have a child) should not bear the costs of his bad decisions. You can get probably free legal advice and representation from any of the major law schools' clinical programs-- look on their websites. You can also represent yourself. Whether he is a lawyer or not, you will easily win child support. The law is crystal clear on this. 2) Do consider co-living-- as others suggest, doesn't need to be permanent! And/or, depending on your hours, etc., consider seeking out a family where you can share the costs of daytime childcare, and/or provide some evening or weekend care for their kids in exchange for free housing. I'm no longer in this situation, but a few years ago I was a single mom with two young children-- and would gladly have offered a free room to another single mom willing to help with evening and weekend childcare. Post ads on this site. You may find plenty of interested people. Don't despair. It is hard, but you can do it if you want to! |
Anonymous
| Hey, I moved to an apartment in a "ghetto" neighborhood above a crack den, and the landlady was awesome, the rent was affordable, and I met other single moms who I'm still friends with. |
Anonymous
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to counter some of the arguements on here:
1) My sister had a termination a number of years ago, now as a result of recent surgery she can no longer have children (perhaps she regrets, I don't know) 2) I have 2 friends that were single moms when they had their first child. They are now both very happily married and their first children have siblings. |
Anonymous
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If you really want to keep it then do so, but given your lack of support you will clearly need to go after him for child support. As for him being a lawyer, lawyers are not immune from the law - quite the opposite. As for his wife and kids - well, he has already screwed that up himself, and will doubtless keep doing it.
But if I were in your position, I would abort. Now. 6 weeks is not a long time; in 2 or 3 years time you might be in a very much better position to have children. |
Anonymous
Did they have family support? Friends who helped them? People to share housing with? That is what would make the difference. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like near universal agreement to me OP. Whether you have the child or not is your call. If you have it you need to get child support. And don't feel bad about it. |
Anonymous
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One is a hairdresser, has her own small salon (not high earnings). Her son was the result of a brief affair, father has never been in the picture at all, she was single when she had her son. She had close girlfriends that helped re childcare in the evenings when he as a baby so that she could socialise. I think she lived in a small apartment. She dated one of her clients in the salon and ended up marrying him. Now has a daughter and twins. Son is in private school, live in a big house - not that that is important, but to illustrate that being a single mother doesnt shut the door on possibilities. She is very outgoing and has a positive/gregarious personality and I think that is what has got her where she is today.
The other friend is a lawyer, limited family help as her mother is not in the country, the father is in the picture to some extent but unsure whether this includes financial help. Not sure how she met her husband (work?). Now has a 2 year old duaghter as well as her son who is now about 8. They are a very happy family. |
Anonymous
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The thing about child support is what would happen if the man died? If the child is not named in the will, support ends. This happened to someone I know who had a child with a married man. The child was not named in the will. The mother lived with her parents for years.
Everyone keeps talking about money. Raising a child takes time. Dropoff, pickup, sick days, doctor's appointments and when they're older there are activities outside school. |
Anonymous
| I am a single mom, work FT and I make time without too much of an issue. I would say the area that suffers is my social life, but that is more a lack of effort than a lack of possibility. |
Anonymous
But did they bother to contest the will? The unacknowledged child would have to have a claim. And really she'll only desperately need help the first five years or so. Once they get in school it does get much easier, I think. Plus her income should go up. Yes of course we all know that dropoff, pickup, sick days etc. all make life a juggling act. Just getting out of the house on time in the morning is a challenge. But the basic needs of food, housing, clothing and health insurance are paramount to her decision right now. And money makes all those things possible. |
Anonymous
That about sums it up. I agree with this. |
Anonymous
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8:47 Oh were it that simple. Do you know what the legal fees would cost and how long challenging a will can take? YEARS.
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Anonymous
| P.S. I do not think it gets easier after age five unless your child does zero outside activities and gets no homework that requires adult involvement/supervision! |
Anonymous
I understand, depending on the strength of the claim and the size of the estate, that lawyers will do a contingency only fee (they only get paid if you win something) and also that the other heirs will often settle rather than go through a protracted court battle. This is all beside the point; but no one should discount what they can afford to do with a lawyer (whether child support or will related or divorce or whatever) until they actually have an initial consultation about it. |