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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do
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Anonymous
| 10:09 If the wife doesn't know, she hasn't been harmed. If I were OP I'd try to get child support without the wife finding out. Not every betrayed woman wants to know the truth. I'd never presume to know one way or the other! |
Anonymous
|
Hello OP:
If I may I would like to offer my experience to encourage you or maybe simply cheer you up. This is not really advice one way or the other as I am sure you will figure things out. I am from Detroit. Inner city...grew up poor...no father and my mother had me at the age of 18 and so she told me everyday how she really never wanted me. Simply put I came from the bottom---nothing!!! Fast forward to high school and I was a very good student (geeky actually) had teachers taking an interest in me (finally someone cared) and they led me to the college prep classes. Life was on a good course then BAM! my indecretions came to light I was 16 and pregnant. No support system, no money, nothing. Many of my friends that found themselves in the same situation simply decided to have an abortion (no matter how they felt about it). It was no doubt I was keeping mine. by 18 my credit was screwed, and I was depressed...did i make the right decision? will she have a good life? will she hate me? I cannot get a car...shoot for that matter I couldnt even rent a car. 1 thing I did have was my drive to succeed. I said I can and so far I think I have. 1 year later I enter college move into campus family housing, put myself on the wait list for low-income housing, and persued other resources like foodstamps (yes welfare). I made it all work with no help from family, but you will be surprised at what you can accomplish simply by asking those in the community. Some looked down on me, but most were willing to help. I went over to the child studies department on campus and found a bunch of students to babysit for me (for free) because they needed to earn credit anyway...and all but 1 was wonderful to my daughter. Now 7 years later...I have earned my B.S. and just applied for May graduation to receive my master's degree. I was able to get a teaching job at the local community college where I earn 3,000 for a 4 month semester. Keep in mind I did this all with almost no money, no family support...My credit score went from 400 something to 722. I still cant do much yet, but I applied for a lucrative Fed position and have been told I was just found competitive for the 3rd stage of the process. YAY!! crossing my fingers that I get it. I am now 27 and hopefully on a good path. No I am not married, yes I am tired alot, yes I am broke...but honestly I look at it as the best thing that could have happened to me. Because of her I had to HAD TO learn to budget (not deprive myself, just live within my means and be smart about sales and stuff...but mom or no mom we all should learn this) I had to learn how to problem-solve quickly, I had to learn to make sacrifices that now to me arent a big deal, I had to learn to reach out while also being independent and strong, I had to get credit savvy, and resourceful...but guess what I LEARNED IT ALL AND ITS ALL BECAUSE OF MY DD THAT I AM WHERE I AM TODAY. Obviously I wish you luck in any decision you make. The only sentiments I want to make is: 1. if you want the child then stick with that decision (no second guessing and move on to the next issue: what to do next to make this happen as positively as possible. 2. that brings me to this: spin the situation into positive because negative thinking will hinder you. You may actually run into better opportunities because of the situation (yes it can happen) 3. If you keep the child being resourcesful will be your best skill and relieve a lot of the stress. 4. did i mention things could actually get better because of the situation? yes there will be issues but you will become a stronger person because of it. 5. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do not let the father get away without helping you. Most welfare agencies will ask you to cooperate anyway as its in the best interest of the child (and you, and him, and the relatives of the child on his side) 6.no matter what age you are, what marital status you are there will always be reason why this isnt the best time to have a child. things you have no control over can come into play (namely our current economic situation, a husband dieing, etc). Marriage and secure finances does not guarantee that everything will be so much better. 7. if I could do it at the ae of 16 through now I guarantee you can too! by the way I am currently trying to learn how to negotiate if offered my first big position, and I found your post because I am nervous about the COL, and many other issues I will face being a single mom in D.C. (my plan is to seek out help and remain intent to say "I CAN...!" Ok is that enough? hope I didnt over talk....OP I wish you the best and I am crossing my fingers for both of us. 
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Anonymous
| PP, NP here. You sound like a great mom and a really cool person. I hope the fed job works out for you. |
Anonymous
PP here: Thank you so much. You have no idea how much it would mean to me. waiting for them to schedule my appointment to actually come out to interview, and other things. Looking forward to having stability and be back close to a city where there is chances for even more support via friendships and community....and of course more opportunities to date and maybe someday not have to do this alone. OP: if you ever get a chance let us know how you are. |
Anonymous
| Is there any way the biological father would be an asshole just to be an asshole and argue for custody? I mean, if he's a heartless barstard and all... |
Anonymous
| You mean visitation? That's always a possibility, but this guy says he has a wife and three children. |
Anonymous
No, she means would he argue that HE should have the baby since he has a house, a wife, the resources to provide it with a good life. Only an attorney can advise the OP of the danger of losing her baby to the father if he tried that. Can't imagine the wife would be very cooperative. |
Anonymous
| Why in the world would the father (who doesn't even want the child) petition to be the child's custodial parent? I can't imagine his wife would go for that and if she filed for divorce, he would be SOL. I would love to be a fly on the wall for that discussion. "Honey, I had an affair and the woman is pregnant. She is having the baby so I want to be the custodial parent and have the baby live with us." |
Anonymous
So he doesn't have to pay child support. |
Anonymous
| 11:31 How do you know unless you are PP? Visitation would mean less child support, too! Of course if OP has the baby she should csondier consulting a lawyer but lawyers are for disputes. If the father steps to the plate and pays adequate child support and is reasonable who needs a lawyer? She can check the child support guidelines online. In an ideal world, the father would set up a trust for the child. |
Anonymous
Unlikely but possible. The babydaddy may threaten this to try to avoid paying money; also, the babydaddy's wife may be so angry at OP that she might be on board seeking custody. What better way to hurt the woman her husband cheated with than by threatening to take her child? I don't think this is a likely scenario, but I would not cavalierly rule it out. That's why I think OP is best off seeing a discreet financial arrangement with the babydaddy rather than getting into a full-blown child support proceeding. |
Anonymous
Baby daddy can have a say when he carries and gives birth to the baby. BD can have a vasectomy. |
Anonymous
| Don't have much to add to all of the great advice, but just wanted to err on the side of caution and put this out there-- be extra careful, OP. Your situation puts you at high risk for domestic violence (at the hands of the baby's father). Pregnant women are a high-risk group in general, but the circumstances of your pregnancy might increase the risk. Best of luck to you, whatever decision you make. |
Anonymous
| just a quick note. even if you have unpaid leave from work for maternity leave you should qualify for disability for six weeks (eight weeks if you have a c-section). this will not pay your full salary but about 2/3 of your salary. key for those rent/mortgage payments. |
Anonymous
I don't see that there is a moral question in having the baby against the father's wishes. It is unfortunate if there is ever a case where two biological parents differ on whether they want their child to be born, or not. But the reality is that ultimately, the decision to continue a pregnancy or terminate it is the woman's. I am pro choice. But for those who may feel this way: No one should be able to dictate whether a woman is forced to commit murder. As another poster said it's the flip side of Roe v. Wade. But in that case the court said the woman has a right to terminate a pregnancy despite the wishes of the father. The day may indeed be coming where children can be carried outside of a woman's womb. If and when that happens, then the law can address who has a say in the continuation of a fetus' existence. As long as the baby is on board only in females, males need to understand and accept this reality and take responsible steps to avoid impregnanting someone if they don't want to deal with even the possibility of a baby. It's just biology. |