Terrified: First Baby, Single, Totally Confused and Upset, Have No Clue What To Do

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:P.S. I do not think it gets easier after age five unless your child does zero outside activities and gets no homework that requires adult involvement/supervision!

My child attends a school aged child care program in her school where she is able to do her homework and, if we wish, participate in after school extra curriculars (for a fee) like art, music, languages, etc. I check her homework when we get home.

It's not easy and there's never enough hours in the day; I often feel bad for not spending more time with my kids. But nonetheless they are turning out to be good kids, well adjusted, and seem very bonded to me. So far I feel like I am doing something right. Being a single mom is scary and intimidating but not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope you will let us know your thoughts/decision.

[Anonymous]

I was a single mother for the first several years of my child's life. I had no college degree, no outside financial support, but I was able to find a way to make things work, and was even able to live in a fairly nice area. Having my unplanned child was the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a single mother for the first several years of my child's life. I had no college degree, no outside financial support, but I was able to find a way to make things work, and was even able to live in a fairly nice area. Having my unplanned child was the best thing that ever happened to me.

What practical steps did you take, PP? How did you manage the first few years with no help?

[Anonymous]

It isn't rocket science. When you don't have any help, you do it all by yourself. I am a single mom and people ask me "How do you do it?" all the time. It's easy when you have no other choice. You just do it. It seems downright easy to me if there are 2 parents for one child. Luxurious actually. I wouldn't know what to do with all of my free time really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It isn't rocket science. When you don't have any help, you do it all by yourself. I am a single mom and people ask me "How do you do it?" all the time. It's easy when you have no other choice. You just do it. It seems downright easy to me if there are 2 parents for one child. Luxurious actually. I wouldn't know what to do with all of my free time really.

I meant more the money than the time factor. How did the poster afford to raise an infant working, with no degree, and no financial help or child support? Did she move in with someone? What type of daycare did she find that was affordable?

[Anonymous]

Forgive me for not reading through the whole chain, but here's my $0.02.

You're right to be thinking about all this stuff. Babies are expensive. And time-consuming. They do affect where you can work and where you live. But at the same time, you may be thinking too much "inside the box" and not taking risks you could be taking, or making accomodations you could be making, and you may be projecting thoughts onto your boss that she doesn't have.

First, let's face it, you have three options. Abortion, Adoption, Keeping the baby. Abortion is definitely the cheapest option, and you'll be able to move on with your life afterward more quickly than the other two options. (though yes, there will be an emotional impact and for that, you might want to seek out low-cost counseling.) Would you be ok with this option? Only you know that. I'm pro-choice but when it came down to my own (unplanned) pregnancy (at 35, with a guy who bailed on me) I couldn't go through with the abortion. If you've always wanted kids and the only thing stopping you was your singlehood, and if you know you'll be upset about an abortion forever, this may not be the right thing for you.

Adoption- it takes a lot of strength to carry a baby to term when you can't keep it, and it does make your life crazy for awhile. But you'd be giving an incredible gift to another family and you'd have your medical expenses paid and maybe some additional money for a vacation or a car or something. But again, if you are someone who has always wanted kids, this could seem like an unfair option for you because someone else will be happy and you'll have made them happy, but you'll still be unhappy because you don't have a kid.

Keeping the baby - seemed like a bizarre leap of faith for me when I chose to do it. I had no idea how I was going to manage it. Some days I still don't. Yes, I do make more money than you do, but less than the average person of my background (MBA, 15 years of experience) so it was scary to take on a huge expense by myself. Yes, my living situation was a bit more stable - I own a home and my car's paid off. And yes, as it turned out, the father came back into the picture and is now a good father, though the bulk of her care and more of the expenses are still on my shoulders. But still... I am not the kind of person who takes enormous risks. I doubted myself a lot.

Being a mom has been wonderful but yeah, there are days I wonder WTF I was thinking. It's scary that daycare costs more than my mortgage. I won't be able to buy another car till my daughter's in public school. (my car will be old-ish then.) I don't really have much disposable income anymore. I have no free time. My career path is pretty much halted in its tracks till she's older, and even then, I won't want to work long hours because I'll miss too much.

Really, really think about what would be the least-traumatic option for you. You are 30, so you do theoretically still have time to meet the right guy, get married and have babies the "usual" way. A factor for me was my age - 35 - when I got pregnant. I worried that I probably *wouldn't* have time to do it the "usual" way, so I had to jump in. You could in theory find a job that paid more. You could in theory find a place to live that is metro-accessible so you don't need a car, and you don't necessarily need more than a 1-bedroom place with a baby. Don't rule out coabode if you can. There are resources out there to help you. With a dependent, you'd be eligible for some lower-income apartments. There are tax benefits to having a dependent that would make up for some of the daycare costs. There are groups like "Gabriel's Project" that can help single mothers. (note: they're affiliated with the catholic church)

Also, try not to completely rule out the father - unless he is truly an awful person, you might want to give him a chance. Either he'll choose to be involved (and pay child support) or he'll choose not to be involved and you could sue him for child support. Unless he is permanently broke, in which case you might not want his involvement if there's no chance at getting any support.

Good luck. This decision sucks, but you'll figure out what works for you. (I have friends who've done each of the three options. We're all doing ok with our decisions.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Geez really?

At 30??? When exactly did you plan to grow and be an adult? You act like you can barely take care of yourself. Get it together for goodness sakes.

Its not that hard really. No, you can't keep living in your current location you are going to have to move to the less exciting and boring, family oriented burbs but $50K in the burbs and you will be fine. I did for a couple years. You don't need a high cost nanny or over priced private school. Poor credit score - find another way to finance a car.

I choose to become a single mother at 31 and I can't imainge freaking out over it.

I agree with this poster.
. z
Sorry, OP - you need a hefty dose of tough love. Get your act together and don't attend any pity party for yourself. Do live with in your means, are you financially stable, do you have support? If not, seek help - WIC, moms' groups, etc

You took the risk of having a baby when you had sex and now you are facing the consequence.

Get proactive now. You are your own advocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You took the risk of having a baby when you had sex and now you are facing the consequence.

Get proactive now. You are your own advocate.

On a complete tangent, this sentiment of "paying the consequences" for being sexual annoys me to no end, no matter who it's applied to. Sex is normal and healthy and good for you. Yes, it can also get you pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Exactly PP and the female is left holding the ball so to speak.

[Anonymous]

No one has brought up the moral question of having a baby against the father's wishes. Many women seem to think this is fine. But two people are taking the risk when they have sex. Should having the baby be unilateral? This is the oldest quandary in the book, especially since Roe v. Wade. Modern birth control is not 100% reliable, this is something millions of women deal with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one has brought up the moral question of having a baby against the father's wishes. Many women seem to think this is fine. But two people are taking the risk when they have sex. Should having the baby be unilateral? This is the oldest quandary in the book, especially since Roe v. Wade. Modern birth control is not 100% reliable, this is something millions of women deal with.

A male needs to realize that if he leaves any sperm behind, she can use it to make a baby. If he doesn't want babies, he should 1) not have sex 2) get fixed or 3) use birth control.

I have drilled this into my younger brother's head. If you don't want to be a Dad yet DON'T leave any DNA behind!

[Anonymous]

That's simplistic, 9:58. Birth control fails. Condoms are notoriously unreliable, so until a male pill comes along, the onus is on the woman, since the pill is the most reliable. Of course the pill doesn't work well when the woman is on some antibiotics.

[Anonymous]

OP, the infidelity is a fact. His wife may be ignorant of it at the moment, but his action has already harmed her. I don't even think your sparing her the pain of awareness of the affair is in her best interests. I think you'd be helping her more by letting her know what a prince she's got there. That way, she could make decisions for herself and her own children with her eyes open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's simplistic, 9:58. Birth control fails. Condoms are notoriously unreliable, so until a male pill comes along, the onus is on the woman, since the pill is the most reliable. Of course the pill doesn't work well when the woman is on some antibiotics.

Yes, it is simplistic, but it also is reality.

When the man has to participate in the abortion, that is, actually consent to and cause the death of their own unborn child, they an have a say as to whether it gets born. Until then they need to keep control of their DNA.